You are not alone

Claire is in the living room waiting for Mark to play a game with her. Morgan is asleep. Mark is in the phone with our mobile phone company. Milo is barking because the post person truck just drove by.

I have opened up to releasing the need to control others. Why do I feel like I have to be in charge of everything all the time? Upbring? Why am I waiting for my higher good to arrive? There is actually no need to wait. It is here now. It has always been here waiting for me to see it.

Today I will let Mark dress the kids and not make a judgment about it. I will watch Mark let the kids blow bubbles outside and not feel that I have to say something about Morgan and Claire being barefoot.

I will allow myself to cry about the loss of my mom. I will enjoy all my feelings. Not just the good feelings but the scared feelings, the fearful feelings and the small feelings. Really take the time to feel what is coming up and not try to push any of it away. Just be with my feelings. Listen to Spirit saying, "You are not alone" and believe it.

March 20th

Me Me Me

I am staying in the NOW. Right now. I am not going to the future. I am not caring what is in the future. I am going to let tomorrow take care of itself. I am just going to take care of me. Me Me Me. Thats it. Me. I am going to go to gratefulness.org and light a candle for me and then go to bed.

March 23

Joyous Things

Spring is here. I heard our dog Milo barking and looked out the window to see 4 deer in the back yard eating some green grass. The deer do not seem to be frightened by Milo's barking. However Milo's constant barking at deer, the mail person driving by or the UPS truck is pretty annoying to me. Morgan loves to ring our door bell when we come home and listen to Milo barking. Morgan thinks its funny.

Mark had Milo as a pet before we got together. Milo is a wheaten terrier. Not my first choice in dogs. Greyhounds are my kind of dog. Well actually I am a cat lover, but Morgan seems to love dogs.

Well dogs and cats isn't what I wanted to talk about anyway. After reading the article about people who blog I thought, "Gee maybe I need a bigger intention." Well I could write a book. Call it "Don't wear mascara if you might cry today, because it stings your eyes." Crying is supposed to be healing but when I cry my eyes sting so badly from the mascara I don't really find it very healing. I also like to wear sun glasses when I am crying. In public that is. I also don't like to cry in public. Or in movie theaters. Any time some ones dad dies in a movie I cry. I wonder now that my mom has transitioned will I cry when someone's mom passes in a movie too?

I hope not. Why is death not always a joyous thing? Yea! That person just died and went on to a better living experience. I am trying to make my moms transition into a joyous thing for me. It is just adjusting to a new way of life for me. Although I can't call her on the phone like I used to, sit and talk with her in person like I used to or watch Morgan climbing on her exercise bike like I used to. Is that really such a terrible thing?

Change. Its all about the fear of change. Wanting something to stay the same way forever. The Law as it is written in Teachings Of The Buddha: All things are impermanent. What is the answer? Love is the answer. Keeping the love alive in my heart keeps my mom alive. Love. Love. Love.

March 21

Making Brownies

Is it possible? When I went to the place that hosts my site gaelencooper.com, I saw that 78 people visit each day? According to the Blogging Marin article there are at least 8 million Americans that have created a blog. Wow.

Morgan is watching Scooby Doo Where Are You? So I have a few minutes to write.
I keep hearing the song in the background and remember watching Scooby Doo as a kid. Some things never change.

There is pre-school story time today at the library. Currently I am doing the 3rd load of laundry while I write. Morgan can be a fuss getting into the car to go any where in the afternoon. She is sleepy and wont take a nap. She then becomes a fussy 3 year old. A fussy 3 tear old gives me a massive headache. We also need to stop at the market. I could tell her we will get her a muffin. Of course she will want a chocolate chip muffin.

I had a weird dream last night. All day I've been thinking about it. Should I e-mail the person who was in the dream with me?

Well after finishing that sentence Morgan called me to come and lay on the couch with her. Happy to agree to rest with her I laid down on the couch. We decided to make brownies which was fine with me, the sweet tooth I am. They are whole wheat which I feel is better than flour.

We never got to the library but we did get to the market. Morgan saw the cheetos by the milk and was shouting CHEETOS! So of course since I love to spoil her and feel bad about it later I got them for her.

Morgan is in her room painting which is so cute. I hope my mom is watching her. I thought I would be able to write today and not mention my mom. I continue thinking about my dream last night but I am also thinking about my mom all the time.

Well I "Gotta Blast" as Jimmy Neutron would say.

P.S. It feels good that it is the first day of Spring.

March 21

Lonely

Well our trip to Aunt Carrie's went well. Morgan and her cousin Tyler were talking about Nana being in Heaven. Morgan said, "Nana is picking berries" Children speak the truth, so I was happy to hear my mom was picking berries.

Of course it was weird not having to go in my mom's room to spend time with her. Not having the TV on all night. Not hearing the noise of the oxygen machine buzzing 24/7. It was lonely.

I read something in Teachings of the Buddha that today I am drawn to.
The Way is beyond language, for in it there is
no yesterday
no tomorrow
no today.

March 19

Play happily with my toys

Its been a weird couple of days. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I feel weepy.
Mark bought me a blue tooth phone that enables you to talk on the phone in the Lexus. Without holding your mobile phone if that makes any sense. Mark called on the phone in the car and Morgan and I were talking to him. We hung up and Morgan wanted to call someone else. She wanted to call Nana. I wasn't feeling like telling her that Nana was in heaven with Newton our old cat. I just said "Nana is having a busy day and can't talk on the phone."

Today I decided to say something to Morgan about Nana, since we are going there tomorrow. I said "Morgan, Nana will not be at Aunt Carrie's. Nana went to heaven with Newton. Do you understand what Mommy is saying?." Morgan answered "Yes" and she kept on playing with her toys.

Being 3 is great. Why can't I just accept that my mom is gone and play happily with my toys?

I am so surprised

I am in shock. My mom passed away this morning. Carrie called me at 7AM and I didn't get up to get the phone. Mark was gone at 5:30AM to work in Burlingame. After laying in the bed with Morgan who got up at 6:30 for her bottle. It occurred to me "Who would call at 7AM on a Saturday morning?" So I got up and listened to the messages. It was Carrie who left a message to say mom had passed.

I am so surprised. I just spoke to my mom yesterday and she sounded fine. Well she said, "The nurse is here to fix me up." She thought the hospice worker was a nurse. I do not quite remember what Carrie said about my mom passing this morning. I do remember crying.

I thought, "Who should I call?" I called my friend Katie who lives in the mid west and I knew she would be awake. I had just sent an e-mail to her to say my mom wasn't gone yet and I would be very surprised if she left this month. I am just very surprised she left this morning.

I have a headache. I called my sister Colleen and we laughed a little about my mom. She and I both felt better. Mark came home from work and he is sort of sleeping, holding Morgan on the couch while she watches a cartoon on the Disney channel.

Did I say I have a headache? I called Rev. Karyl for a prayer this morning. That helped.

Morgan could see I was upset so she got her ukulele out and sang me the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Her little 3 year old voice is so sweet.

I knew my mom's passing was coming. I have blogged about it but I am surprised.
Why? I don't know. I had warning. I am surprised that an entire life could leave this plane so fast. I am sad.

March 11th

Windy Day

Yes, I am sitting here when I should either take a nap or unload the dish washer and then load the dish washer back up.

Morgan has her gymnastics class today so I don't have to pick her up until 4:00PM. So I do have a little extra time.

The wind is blowing outside and it looks cold out there. Of course that is just my thought about wind blowing and it being cold outside if the wind is blowing. Well it does sound windy too. Which doesn't mean it is cold but...

Thinking does make it so to the mind.

I had to get my blood tested today. I don't really like having my blood tested. I don't like being poked with needles. The blood taker person constantly says, "Just breathe normally" which I think I am doing but I guess I'm not.

It looks like I should bring a scarf and some gloves today. I am so glad I don't live in a place that snows. I just do not like being cold. I will say a thank you to Mark for buying me my car. The seats warm up so I feel warm when driving. It is cozy. I wish there was a way to warm up Morgan's car seat, other than turning on the heater. I ask her, "Do you feel the heater?" She says, "Yes I do" but then I am hot from my seat heater. Is there no medium? I guess like life there is no middle ground sometimes.

March 9th

Its all true

I'm sitting here in the office typing in the pouring rain. Pouring rain isn't a good sleeping buddy for me. The tap, tap, tap on the roof doesn't lull me to sleep. Sara our cat coming in from the rain crying to be dried off doesn't help either.

So, I will write. About what I don't know yet. The story about how gaelen.com sold for $10,000.00 is always a good story to tell. I spoke about that story at the center today. A few people came up to me after the service to say "Wow! What a great story." The good thing about that story is it's all true. The other good thing about that story is it's an example how Spirit is always working for you. Spirit/God/Mother/Father always provides.

In this case the way Spirit provided for me was to my liking. In truth the way Spirit provides isn't always, at first to my liking. I guess there has to be some space to step back and see the bigger picture. Making the time for solitude.

Life is good for me right now. I love doing my blog. Morgan at 3 years old gets in her car seat without a tantrum. I have a small amount of time to call my mom to check in with her. I love my friends. I am looking forward to the new pictures of Morgan on the site. I love my man and I am looking forward to seeing him come home from Santa Barbara tonight. I am grateful. Thats it I am grateful. If you have time click on gratefulness.org on bottom of the contact us page. Read, light a candle, or go to features where I am going right now.

March 5th

Rain?

On Feb. 11th I wrote under the transition blog that I was called for jury duty.
Morgan and I showed up for jury duty yesterday, Feb. 28th. The woman working at the desk said "If you are a full-time parent just sign where it says "other" on the form. Write that you are a full-time parent, your child's date of birth and you can leave." Yea!! Morgan and I then went to the cafeteria across the way from the jury duty room and ate breakfast. It sure does feel good when what I want to happen, is the thing the thing that is happening.

As Morgan and I were leaving the civic center Morgan wanted to go to the zoo. I was not up for going to the zoo. I thought it might rain. I didn't want to go to the park either. I thought all the park things would be wet. I wanted to go to the market. We needed eggs. Just earlier at the cafeteria Morgan ate my egg whites and I knew we didn't have any eggs at home to make for her. I wanted to go to the market! We arrived at the market and Morgan really did not want to be there. Morgan said "Go back to your seat. Lets go to the zoo." No amount to pleading was changing her mind. I really don't like it when she cries, the noise just bugs. The feeling of not being able to fix it bugs.

Well "What is the crime of going to the park?" Just because I was worried about the rain from the other day on the swings, slides, etc. Does that make it something we shouldn't do? The sun was out. I didn't have to listen to the gloom and doom of the news anyway. So we went to the park. Morgan walked up the slide and I looked down and there was water pooled up at the bottom of it. I said, "Morgan, lets not go down. I don't want your bottom getting wet." Just then another mom at the park said "I have a towel." So, I wiped up the bottom of the slide. Was that all I was worrying about? Some water on Morgan's butt? I put a towel in the trunk of the car when Morgan and I got home. I was grateful to that mom who had a towel, now I will have a towel to clean the water from the slide and swings too.

It sure is funny what I worry about. I had been distracted by fear. Fear is a limiting factor. I release fear from my thoughts. Now free, I am able to see more clearly and accept all the good that the universe offers."

March 1st

Dads

Mark and Morgan are watching Monsters Inc. I snuck away as it is my 50th time watching Monsters Inc. and Morgan and I just watched it Wednesday night. It is nice for them to have father daughter time without me hanging out.

Fathers and daughters. My dad and I went to the movie 10 with BO Darek. It was a big movie in 1979. In the movie I remember thinking, "Why is her hair in braids?" and "Does my dad like her?" I remember being so embarrassed but now typing this I can't recall why.

My dad took me out to breakfast when I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I didn't really talk to my dad about boyfriends. The morning after I was dumped I remember feeling so sad. I wish I could remember what my dad said to me that morning.
I just remember being with him. For me it was so great being with my dad. Even if I don't remember what he said to me. He would call me kid-do and I would smile.

I love when Mark calls Morgan Kid-do. Mark is a great Dad. Its funny but Mark reminds me of my dad. I used to say, "I would never marry my dad" and I did of course.
Feb. 25

Curious George

I just can't believe that Morgan is asleep at 8:00PM and I'm sitting here typing. I didn't really think about what I was going to write today. Not that I plan it out anyway. Well sometimes I do.

Curious George. Is it ok to cry in a children's movie?
I thought it was so great when they realized they were carrying the map around with them the whole time. They just needed to look at it in a different way.

Life sure is like that for me sometimes. The answer I need is right with me but I don't seem to see it. It happens to me with Morgan. This morning Morgan really wanted my attention. I was trying to talk with my own mom on the phone at the time. I hung up the phone. I just stood there and thought, "What is it that I am missing?" I saw these boxes in the kitchen that we had bought on Tuesday at IKEA. I asked Morgan to help me build them. I handed her the finished one and told her to put her smaller toys in it. This took Morgan about an 10 minutes to fill it up. She then took it around the house to try and hide it, go into our room and scare our cat Sara out of the there and put it under the pillows for Mark to find. That was an hour that all I had to do was watch her. Not entertain her. Just appreciate what she was doing. How creative. If I hadn't stopped long enough to look around me I would not have thought of even building one box. I built the other 3 boxes and we cleaned up the toys on the floor of her room. We found a good place to put the boxes and the room was clean all day. When we originally bought the boxes at IKEA that was not what I planned for them. Sometimes the universe has a better plan for you, when you take the time to listen.
Feb. 23

23 and in love

Its 5:50PM. I hear the Winnie The Pooh playing on video cassette.

I am thinking maybe I can whip out this blog in a few minutes. Mark told me, "Why don't you talk about how much you love your family." "Well, it's my blog and I will blog what I want to blog about." I said.
Winnie The Pooh plays on. The song is about what you covet. The Heffulumps and Woozles will love it. Sometimes life is like that. The more you want something the sooner you find it leaving. I'm sure there is something Science of Mind to say about it that. I can't remember it right now.

Its 7PM. I had to stop and make the pasta for dinner. Morgan loves it with just a small amount of olive oil and parmesan cheese. Mark and I had our pasta with red sauce. I really do love my family, although I told Mark "I would blog what I want to blog about." Morgan at 3 is so great. She is never ending. Talking about trees and mountains or tunnels and bridges. I was thinking about Mark when we were laying in bed this morning. I am amazed that this year it will be 18 years since we first met. There is something magical about that. I like to talk about our story. I like to remind myself of being 23 and in love. The kind of love that doesn't care about the laundry not being folded, or watching a movie till 3AM. No judgment. Vanilla. A beautiful smile.

I smile at Mark today. I rejoice in the now. I forgive myself for the things aren't like the vanilla of the past and I think of how lucky I am today.
Feb. 21

Remembering to Slow Down

What did I do for myself today?

Well at 6:50AM I heard Morgan and got up to get her the bottle. I then went back to bed. I stayed in bed until noon. I could hear Morgan and Claire fighting and Mark asking them if they wanted pancakes. My mind wandered into thinking mode and I thought "I should get up and make the kids some breakfast." I remembered I didn't have to fix what was going on. Mark could handle his daughters. I didn't need to go into the living room and say, "Claire hold your own jacket and stop trying to get 3 year old Morgan to hold it for you."

I have to say I am proud of myself. Remembering I don't need to say anything is powerful. Some weekends with my step daughter is draining. She is a good kid mostly but hearing, "Why did Morgan get .... first?." Gets on my last nerve. Is it possible to have a last nerve? Anyway, I went to Whole Foods and purchased the Rejuvenating Mask by Dr. Hauschka. I really like the Dr. Hauschka products. They use a holistic approach that encourages and supports the health of the skin. When I was at Whole Foods I did buy a chicken to make for dinner tonight. Well it was great having a holiday today. Mark and the kids didn't come home until 3:00PM. No one wanted the sweet potato fries that I had made. Well, Claire did have one. I ate the rest, offered Mark three fries and was happy.

Sometimes remembering to slow down for yourself is a good thing.
Feb 19th

I can be what I will to be

I have been watching the olympics. Sometimes. The other night the short track skater Apollo Ohno was talking about how he fell on Sunday. The commentator asked him how he was feeling on the ice. He answered the question by saying "You have to rid your mind of the demons".

Funny he should say that, as I have been doing the exact same thing the last couple of days.

Ridding the mind of sorrow, unhappiness, dis-ease, negativity. These things are not necessities and need to go. A little mental house cleaning. In the book The Master Key System the affirmation is "I can be what I will to be."

Knowing, I can be what I will to be puts a smile on my face. It raises me up to my intention. I just sincerely repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.
I can be what I will to be.

Feb. 17th

Thinking of...

Today is Valentines Day. I am unsure if today is a good day or not. I'm not sure if I should even think about it in forms of good or not. I suppose it is, what it is.

Thoughts.
Running thru my mind today I have had many thoughts. Many of these thoughts made me feel: angry, sad, happy, filled with love, filled with.........(fill in the blank on your own.) For me it is stopping these thoughts running thru my mind before I find that I am mad, upset, happy thats bothering me.
On the back of my business card I have the Shakespeare quote, "Thinking makes it so." Yes, I believe thinking does make it so. Its all in the thinking.
Its where are your thoughts taking you? That is the question.
So when I find myself angry, sad, unhappy, etc. What am I to do? Meditate? Sometimes but not always. I find with Morgan jumping up and down meditation is not always that easy.
I remember a long time ago in the 80's. It was in the summer, when I would watch my sister Carrie.
We would have quiet time. Just sit on the living room floor and be quiet. Not a race of who was the quietest. It was just sitting or laying on the carpet and not saying anything.
There was never "Ok lets be quiet for 10 minutes" at least I don't remember it being that way.
I guess I would have to ask Carrie. But since this blog is all about me, I don't remember it being that way.
It was a time of relaxation. Thinking about it, maybe it was just a time to love yourself.
I hear the wind howling outside my window. I think, yes thats it. A time to love yourself. A time to say, "I don't do everything perfectly, on time or to the best of my ability thats ok, I love myself anyway."

So on Valentines Day I end this blog thinking the most important person to love is not Mark, Morgan or my Mom. Its Me.
Feb. 14th

Faith

Today is lets pay our bills day. I sit here while Mark prints out the checks. I fold them up and put them into the various envelopes. Ugh.

Morgan had a cold today and I worry about going to see my mom yesterday. Don't want to have the feeling that we gave her the cold that killed her.

Its now 8:00PM and Morgan fell asleep at 6:00PM watching a Wiggles dvd. The Wiggles are a weird crowd. Claire said, "Why are they holding instruments and not playing them?" Well Claire lots of time in the world people are holding onto things they don't need but they can't let them go either.

A good reminder to me to look at what am I holding onto that I can't let go of? Stress, guilt, worry, feeling the need to constantly do something. Read, blog, dust, wash the dishes, do the laundry...

Faith is what I need today. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Charles Haanel.

Feb. 12th

Porcupine

Morgan and I made it to my sisters, Carrie's to see my mom.

I brought my mom a silhouette of Morgan I had made at Disneyland. You know that place on Main Street that has this woman who has been there 40 years and cuts the black paper? She did a great job on Morgan who sat in my lap and held really still. My mom really liked it. She told me to make copies of it to mail to all my friends. I told her it was our special thing and only she and I would have one.

After this is when she said to me "When I croak what do you want besides the light?" she didn't mean THE LIGHT she meant a lamp that was her mom's. I really didn't know what to say as I have never really thought about it. I told her I wanted the Swarovski crystal porcupine that was my Dad's second wife's. How my mom even ended up with it is a mystery to me. I remember Gloria bringing it home from a cruise she went on after my dad made his transition. Morgan likes the porcupine though. As prickly and dangerous as it looks. I then told her the bracelet I bought her in Ireland and the chinese man I bought her at cost plus. She said fine.
What do you say to something like "What do you want when I croak? I guess what I wanted to say is "Can you use a better word other than croak?"

Carrie later made fun of me about wanting the porcupine. Sisters.

It really wasn't hard leaving my mom. I thought it would be, you know tears and everything. It wasn't like that thought. I feel like crying now.

We made it home in 2 hours and I was even able to re-start Emperors New Groove in the car using the remote, which was good because I didn't want to get off the fwy. Morgan didn't mind re-watching it so the two of us were happy.

Mark is telling me the Olympics are on and I told him I watched it at Carrie's.

My hands still smell like the soap I used at Carrie's which smells really bad so I am going to wash my hands and go to sleep.

Feb.11th

Transition

I have a few minutes to type this as Mark reads Morgan her bed time books. He speeds through them which is something I don't really like. Tomorrow Mark is working so Morgan and I will drive 2 hours to see my Mom. She sounded better when I spoke with her today, she ate 1 piece of toast which is the most she has eaten all week.
Ugh. I was called for jury duty today. I will tell them I refuse to pass judgment on another person. I think that will get me out of being selected as a juror. At least that's what my friend Joyce says that she did. Its true anyway I don't want to pass judgment on any one else anyway.
Morgan slept thru the night last night so I am feeling well rested. Sometimes the 2 hour drive wears me out. I am glad we have the DVD player in the car so she can watch a movie. I get so sad around my Mom and find myself emotionally worn out too. Transition shouldn't be a scary thing, but to me it is. I am glad I know I am an eternal being. I don't like change sometimes.
I received the Cobra information in the mail along with the jury duty thing. The insurance will cost 885.00 a month for Morgan and I. I can't stand how in America we treat our people so horribly health wise. Where are our free doctors? Thats 10,620.00 a year. I don't even want to write about it anymore. I think that is how much Morgan's Montessori school costs.
I feel this is a strange, strange world. Time for me to cut up a pear for Morgan.
Feb 11

Disneyland

Just now as I left Morgan's room I heard her snoring, I thought of something. I think its Mark's snoring that is waking me up in the middle of the night to hear the Universal Energy. I remember telling him last night, "Nonie No! Turn over on your side"
I say Nonie No to Morgan when I want her to stop climbing on the couch, kicking the back of my car seat, anything else I have voted as something giving me a head ache.
Yesterday I had a dream of mine come true as Mark, Morgan and I went to Disneyland! Morgan is just the perfect age as she loved anything we went on.
After taking her to Fantasy Land for the proper trip around the Carousel, the Peter Pan ride and Dumbo (which I couldn't take her on for fear of throwing up.) We went to the Jungle Boat Cruise which she loved, the Pirates of the Caribbean and the Tarzan Tree-house. This was called the Swiss Family Robinson Tree-house when I was a kid.
I was reminded that It's A Small World boat ride is good for getting out of the sun but the music hasn't changed so its sort of a headache maker. Luckily I already had a headache so it really didn't matter and it was nothing that 4 extra strength Tylenol couldn't fix.
Not feeling like walking over to Toon Town to find Mini and Mickey we went down to where Pooh lives and saw Pooh, Eyeore and Tigger which was just fine by Morgan.
Sort of disgusted to see the stand that sells Mc Donald french fries I ate up my sugar laden churro and let it drift out of my mind.
Overall a great day.
Upon leaving we bought Morgan this Buzz Light-year gun-ish kind of toy that was really loud which of course she loved and shot at all the teens sitting next to us on the tram on the way to the parking lot. This went on for 10 minutes before I told her "That's enough or the battery comes out" Smart enough to know it wouldn't work if the battery was gone she stopped for another 10 minutes.
The picture on the front page of this Blog is Morgan as I received an e-mail today from a friend who said, "I thought the picture of you was Morgan with long hair!  It is crazy how much she looks like you!" It is crazy because that is Morgan and she does look like me. Well sort of.