11PM

Well its 11:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I hear Mark snoring and it is bugging. I am still a little sick and should try to go to sleep. Sleeping in the trailer isn’t the heaven one might think. Tonight it is the hell one might think it would be.
Well I did get to sleep and its Friday at 4:57. We went to the San Diego Zoo and saw the pandas. I am surprised they are really cute. Sitting out side and eating bamboo leaves they looked so sweet. I did take a picture of the pandas but I forgot the card reader to post the picture of the pandas, so no panda pictures on today’s blog. My sister and her 2 girls were there with us and it was an overall good time. I felt funny seeing the animals all caged up in the zoo.
We are at Campland on the Bay RV Park here in San Diego. We had the hot water in the Airstream fixed and we purchased a porta potty, so at 4AM I don’t have to go to the public restroom or use what I was calling the pee cup. There are heated pools here and the kids went swimming after the zoo. Morgan had her floaters on and was floating by the steps and was doing all right until she took them off. Then it was time to come back to the trailer, take her out of her wet swim suit, get her dressed, give her a warm sippy cup and put her in the electric blanket to take a nap. Mark is actually making dinner for us tonight. Claire requested mac and cheese and Mark and I are going to have Jaipur vegetables that you heat up in boiling water. It is time to stop writing and post this blog and eat some dinner.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

I do like to do this Blog every other Friday but wow have I been busy!!! I am starting to like winter here in Northern California. Yes its chilly, kind of rainey but it gets dark early and it feels nice to make a fire and just sit there. Yes just sit there with no TV on and maybe some holiday music playing.
Winter is actually a good time to rest. I think I needed some time to rest after this busy summer. My soul says rest, move slower. Actually it is all I have wanted to do, yet I feel guilty. I think I have lots of stuff to get done and I forget to renew, refresh and replenish.
This year I am not giving out wrapped presents. I am giving gift certificates. I am telling Morgan Santa brings unwrapped presents to our house. My friend Judy told me that her parents used to tell her that. It sounds great to me. Mark and I decided we would limit our gifts to each other to $100.00.
The above picture is of one of my favorite holiday lawn ornaments. Mark put the ornaments out this year and Morgan and I say good-bye to all of them as I drive her to Montessori in the morning. I remember buying the lawn ornaments in Orange County. It was at least 10 years ago. Although I had no idea who my future family would be, I was hoping who ever it was would love them too. Well Morgan does love them and I am not too sure about Mark. It was nice of him to put them up though. Well I do have a few minutes to sit and practice breathing. Breathing in and out saying “God is Peace and I am Peace”
December 5, 2006

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving went well for us this year. We had Claire and this makes Mark happy. At the dinner table Claire was the first to say, “Everyone say one thing you are grateful for.” I was pleasantly surprised because that’s what I was going to say. This year was the first time in 20 years that I did not have to work the day after Thanksgiving. What a relief. People ask me “What are you going to do when you go back to work?” I just say, “I don’t know.” What I really want to say is “I’m never going back to work.” Actually I am sure my heart and Soul will let me know what to do when I feel like doing something.
Anyway I was even thinking of setting up the Christmas tree this afternoon. After a busy day with the cousins I think we will do it tomorrow.
What am I grateful for this thanksgiving? Today the sun was out and the skies were filled with beautiful clouds. I mailed out our Christmas cards. There were lots of hugs and kisses. I am grateful for this year’s challenges and opportunities. I love the giving I have done and I am proud enough to remember to for-give myself.
The Soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals. (Kahlil Gibran) I think that’s what I am most grateful for this year. The times I feel my soul unfolding.
Oh there is one more thing. I lost all the pictures of my mom’s memorial. They were in my laptop. I cried about it, talked about it, felt sorry for myself. I checked into recovering them. My friend Rachel found this guy Aaron who had a recovery program. Out of thousands of jpegs they found the one of my mom’s urn. I am grateful to my mom’s Spirit for helping them find it. It is amazing how great the Universe works.
Friday November 24th

Malibu Beach RV Park

I am sitting here in Malibu at the Malibu Beach RV Park. I love being back in Southern California. It is warm, sunny and Mark is playing with Morgan and Claire as I do this blog. Now that’s what I call relaxing. Sitting in the shade drinking a spicy hot V8 juice and typing this WI-FI. Today’s line up for the Airstream group is the Getty Museum here in Malibu. I have been to the museum before and I remember it being nice. I hope the girls will like it.
In the bathroom this morning I was washing my face. The morning scrub I use you have to use it for 2 minutes. I was walking around. Just noticing stuff. I saw a wad of money on the floor. At first I thought maybe I should leave it there. Then I thought, “Don’t leave a gift from God on the floor.” Love yourself enough to treat yourself. I picked it up and counted the 7 dollars. Why was I still feeling guilty? Why do I cut myself short? Why do I have a hard time accepting Gods gifts? Why do I put everyone else first? Well not today. I will remember to take care of who is number one. Me. I will remember when Mom is happy everyone is happy. I will live in gratitude and enjoy being in Malibu. This is a place I loved in my childhood. Marvin Hamlisch had a home here on the beach. I used to come here with his nephew, David and just hang out. One of the first places I drove to once I got was my license was here. I loved driving along looking at the people on the beach. I think I will go down to the beach with Mark and the kids and build some sand castles. Sand castles are good for the soul.
November 10th

Pumpkin Patch

Yes today Morgan’s class went to the pumpkin patch. I drove Morgan and one of her classmates Richard. It was cute to see all the kids there. I loved the hayride. I didn’t really love the hay as I was kinda allergic to it but otherwise it was a sweet adventure. I don’t remember ever going to the pumpkin patch when I was little. I don’t think in Beverly Hills there was a pumpkin patch close by. Halloween wasn’t really a big holiday for our family. I can’t even remember wearing a costume as a child. I’m sure it was the kind my Mom bought at Thrifty.
Of course I bought Morgan the costume she wanted in the Lands End catalogue. Yes it is a princess costume. Morgan wants Mark to dress up as the king. Interesting. I don’t think its gonna happen but it would be sort of cute.
I am sick. Last week Mark went to Santa Barbara to spend the weekend with his daughter Claire. When he goes away for the weekend it’s just Morgan and I. I sleep less and worry more about nothing. So I am sick. Doing my blog when I’m sick is also sort of draining my energy. Actually sitting here and thinking about it I am tired. I think I need to go to blow my nose for the millionth time today and so to sleep.

Composting

Yes that is a picture of our new composter. Actually it is the ComposTumbler. The best thing about the composter is that all the vegetable waste you produce in your kitchen can be thrown into the composter. Not only kitchen waste but also eggshells, tea bags, wood ash (from your fireplace) and farm manure. Farm manure you ask? Well there is a place down the street that houses horses for the Mill Valley tenants. They put the manure in a bucket and you can go there and scoop some out, for free.
I was feeling wasteful when I would dump all of the peels of cut apples, or the pear peels or the banana skins into the trash. Now I just walk into the back yard and put it into the composter. Very cool. I am not so sure about the horse poop but since Mark does that I just need to know that the poop is bringing nitrogen to the party. My parting party gift is earthy yummy soil so that my next garden will grow great tomatoes, zucchini, lettuce, and basil. Just writing this I want a salad. You could even save your hair from the salon and put it in the composter for it to break down as nitrogen too. I don’t think I ever would do that but I could. It feels great saving the landfill from un-necessary trash.

Aloha Spirit

The above picture is of Morgan and Mauve at the Maui Ocean Center.

Wow I can’t believe we have been back a whole week from Maui and I am just getting around to doing my blog. Maui was really a great experience. Everyone is telling me I look so rested, 5 years younger, and relaxed. I do feel that way too.
Everyone in America should have a month’s vacation. My biggest daily decision was to have meat or fish for dinner and what restaurant should we go to.
I am still feeling the aloha spirit, though I was slightly worried about Morgan’s first day of school but I think that’s a mom thing. After thinking hard about my life I would say raising a happy, healthy child is my goal at the moment. We all loved the Maui Ocean Center. Morgan especially. Though seeing the halibut swimming around I felt funny about eating it. I like it a lot better than salmon. Maybe it’s a bottom dweller thing. Actually I didn’t know they were so flat. You see posters of bears catching salmon. I have never seen a poster of an animal catching a halibut. Well I guess other fish catch halibut but I don’t think I have seen a picture of it. Hum. Its now 6:30 on Friday and I want to get this posted. Blessings to everyone.

Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar

Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar

The above picture is Cyril Pahinui, a famous slack key guitarist, my friend Rachel and of course myself! We went to the concert series here in Maui. It was held at the Ritz-Carlton, Kapalua.
Slack key guitar is the greatest thing! The music or mele was fantastic. Cyril and the musical host, George Kahamoku Jr. were inviting and I learned more about Hawaiian slack key guitar than I have ever known. Actually I didn't know too much about slack key guitar. Rachel treated me to this event. As I type this blog I am listening to the 2006 grammy award winning, Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar album on my laptop. This mele is so relaxing. Yesterday Mark purchased a new mini ukulele. Inspiried by the slack key mele. Driving back to the condo Morgan fell asleeep in the car listening to it. It is a great feeling to have our family inspired by hawai'i mele. I am grateful to Spirit for all the musical variety in different cultures. This mele rocks!

No Drama in Maui

When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life. “Daily OM”

Maui for me is a no drama zone. Ok, when I found out that Mark accidentally erased all my photos out of my laptop I did chose to be a Drama Queen. I even went to the whaler mall and bought the Maui Jim sunglasses I wanted. After that, I choose to not take part in my dramatic situation and step out into a place where my inner being was calm. Feeling much better I headed back to our condo. When I saw Mark and Morgan driving into the garage, I felt like the universe brought us together at a time when I was calm and ready to start loving. I was mighty happy that I had taken the time to watch where my inner being was and to change it. I am also grateful for the Aloha feeling here in Maui. It made easy to start fresh with a smile on my face. Upon seeing Mark and Morgan they gave me a gift certificate and were carrying smiles of love on their faces. All is well in Maui.

September 8th 2006

Sand Storm

Right now I am sitting in the living room. The ocean looks beautiful and the palm trees are gracefully blowing in the wind. As the palm trees blow in the wind I am reminded of the trip to Napali Beach last week. A lovely place. Mark, Morgan and I got out of the car, took all our stuff down to the beach; climbed down to the sand and realized we were getting pelted by sand. The earth was stinging us. Mark set up our cabana and it blew away. Mark set up the cabana again and Morgan played in the new and improved sand filled cabana. Mark and I went down to the ocean; it was soothing to be away from the sand storm. We were the only people on the beach. After a few minutes a family arrived. They set up their towels, etc. Five minutes later they packed up and were gone. I looked at Mark and we both said, “We’re through.” I love the beach, but it was really getting un-comfortable. Morgan never complained though. I guess with the cabana over her and being in the sand hole she wasn’t really being pelted. As the earth wasn’t being our healer right then I think our best choice was to exit. Change roles. Become the chef and go back to the condo and make lunch.

Changing roles in life is sometimes easy and other times not so easy. I feel comfortable with my roles right now.
Right now, we have some friends visiting us in Maui. Katie a friend of 30 years; her husband Mike and their 3 kids. Maeve, Kevin and Mary Kate.
Last night Mark and Mike went out to a few of the bars. As they left the condo the rest of us went to bed. I awoke at 1 AM in the morning and looked to see if Mark was in the bed. Not seeing him I went into the living room. Mark was asleep on the couch. I said, “Time to get up and get in bed.” I suppose this role is, Loving Wife Role. The one who wants to see their beloved warm and cozy in the bed. Not cold on the couch. Of course, each day is filled with different roles. Caregiver, educator, housekeeper, philosopher. The list goes on. Is it that I am getting comfy as I am growing into being 40ish? Whatever it is I am happy being me, in the place I find the universe delivering me to.

September 3rd, 2006

Macadamia nuts

The flight to Maui went great. Morgan was super! When we woke her up at 5AM she was excited to be sitting in the limo and at the airport she wheeled her Tinkerbelle suitcase and walked beside Mark and I. Being 6AM the lines at the baggage check in and the security check in were short. No headache for me was a first. The first flight from SFO to LA Morgan was awake and had a great time. When we got to LA our flight for Maui left at 10AM. Morgan got on the plane and was asleep by 10:15AM and she slept 3 hours. The really exciting part was the, Half Way to Hawaii contest that was held on the flight. Since Morgan was asleep Mark and I had time do the contest. With Morgan sitting between us we worked on it separately. I saw Mark pulling out his palm phone and using the calculator. I sat quietly and thought, “The answer to all things is within me.” I did some very simple math in my head and told Mark to write down the ½ way time to Hawaii would be at 9:48 and 5 seconds. He said, "Your 8 minutes off from what I figured out." We passed the forms in. As the flight was getting ready to land the stewardess came to our seat and said to Mark you won! Mark said, "Which seat was it?" the stewardess said G. Cooper! The prize was Mauna Loa macadamia nuts and it wasn’t the nuts I was excited about. Here I was, all worried about the flight, the luggage, how long the lap top battery would last in the lap top, the worry list went on. I was so proud. I listened to my intuition and just wrote what I heard in my head. Thank you Spirit! Mark kept asking me. “How did you figure it out?” I kept saying, “Spirit did it through me.”

August 24, 2006

I am so lucky

As I sat down on my new “Balanceball” chair, which is a small bounce ball seated in a plastic chair. I had to look up life with gaelen to check on last week’s entry date. Weird. Anyway the balanceball chair helps relieve stress on the spine. Basically you sit upright with your spine straight. No slouching allowed. Of course Morgan hopped on it and wanted to play with it when we got it set up in the office. Luckily I have a big green bounce ball from when I was pregnant with Morgan. So although it is a little too big for Morgan, she set it up at her little desk in the office. She can’t get herself up on the top of it but it seems to make her happy to have a chair like mom. Earlier today Morgan came with me to CompUSA and she brought a small toy with her. As we left CompUSA both of us had forgotten about her pink hippo. An hour later I remembered about the hippo and decided not to say anything about it. I thought it was my fault it was gone because I didn’t remember to ask Morgan about pink hippo when we were leaving the store. As the Universe works the minute I thought about pink hippo, Morgan remembered that we left it at the store. So as we drove back to the store for pink hippo I began to sweat. I was repeating in my mind “pink hippo be there”… “pink hippo be there” and pink hippo was there. So I told Morgan how lucky we were that pink hippo was still there. As we drove away I started thinking about war in the Middle East. How I would feel if something that was dear to me was gone. I continue to pray, “Create a world of radiant life, overflowing abundance, and lasting peace.” and remember all things are possible. I am so lucky. Thank you God.

August 16, 2006

Been back a week...

I am sitting here not believing that we have been back almost a week from Oregon and I am now getting ready to do Life With Gaelen. Time moves so quickly and sometimes time moves so slowly. I guess when I feel I have a problem or a challenge I feel time moving slowly. It must be the mind that makes time move. How can you make your mind work the best for you? Taking care of you I guess is the first place to start. Stepping away form negative energy no matter how difficult that seems to be is also a good beginning. I find when declaring what is good for me is not always felt by others as a good thing. Take the time to be quiet, meditate, and listen to your heart. Feel good about speaking the truth of your soul and give up judging what others think of you. At least that is what I am working on. It is not always easy but learning to be patient with Spirit and waiting for great out comes is always worth the wait.
I am amazed that we leave for our month in Maui in just 14 days. Already I am thinking about what to pack. Mark likes to use a duffle bag, something I do not like to do. I like to neatly fold my clothes, and roll them up and remember where each thing is so I do not have to pull everything apart. I think I am a neat nick.
I hear the Wiggles DVD repeating itself and Morgan’s footsteps pitter padding down the hall to tell me all about the Wiggles. Mark is busy attaching the counter top to the new cabinet. Our new fridge is coming tomorrow and we want it to fit in the spot. It is time for me to go and hear about The Wiggles. The Wiggles being my least favorite, next to Barney that there is.

August 8, 2006

Oregon is pretty stunning

I am having a day off. What do I like to do?...my blog of course. I am sitting in our trailer in Oregon. We are at the East Lake Resort, which is a very beautiful place. I am wearing my new East Lake Resort pull over and it is my favorite blue color. The blue that matches my eyes. (Of course I can’t go on a trip and not purchase something)
Oregon is actually stunning. We are staying in the volcanic area, Newberry Caldera where you can see lava everywhere. We went to the Obsidian lava flow river, which is amazing. I am getting a good work out as everywhere we go it’s at least one mile of walking. Mark brought us to the Central Pumice cone which is an under groung cave. I lasted 5 minutes before I yelled out "Lets get out of here!" much too dark and creepy for me. So far my favorite place is the Crater Lake National Park. The Crater Lake has incredibly blue water and in fact it is the deepest blue lake in the United States. Crater Lake also has the best food we have eaten in Oregon, as everywhere we have stopped at has been sort of gross.
Mark has Claire and Morgan today, hence my day off. My friend Randy suggested I ask for a day off during this 10 day trailer event and that has turned out to be a very good thing. Yes, I love my family but being in a 22ft. trailer can be annoying. Actually the first 3 days I almost finished one of the small bottles of Tylenol. It took Claire 3 days just to mellow out and get used to being with Mark, Morgan and I. It took me 3 days to not make a comment about the negative things Claire was doing. We have had 2 days with no time outs for Claire, which is a great thing. We did separate the 2 car seats so that no one is poking any one else. Mark bought the 2-screen DVD player so the girls each have a screen to watch. This makes the 12-hour trip manageable. Well we do two days of driving 6 hours. I think the DVD players in the car make life driving so much easier. Maybe the reason I have no memories of being in the car with my mom and dad is because DVD car players weren’t invented. I think my only memory of going on a long car trip was to Disneyland or my grandmothers in Arcadia.
Well getting back to Oregon it started off warm, you know shorts and stuff but the last 2 days its been really chilly, which is sort of sad because I love rivers and it is just a little too cold to go swimming in the East Lake river. Tomorrow we are heading back home and our next stop is Shasta Lake. I hope I get some river swimming time when we get there. I think I will head off to the showers while Mark and the girls are gone.


August 1, 2006

95 Degrees

Well it is 95 degrees in the house at 6:31pm. Morgan is running around in the sprinklers and I don’t really feel like typing this blog. It is just to hot. We went to the beach today but the beach in San Francisco is different from the beach in Manhattan Beach. It is windy here at the beach. I guess I am the only one who cares about that. Mark fell asleep and Morgan was picking up driftwood sticks and calling them pickles. I ended up putting a hat on. The best thing about the beach was the 70 degree temp.
In trying to stay in gratitude, I remember just 5 miles to the north its 10 degrees hotter. I think for Morgan’s nighttime movie we will go down stairs and watch the video on this laptop. The heat makes me crabby. I have to think about what I am about to say so it doesn’t sound snappy or snippy. In remembering that there is an abundance of everything each of us needs health, wealth, love, creativity. I think I will use my creativity and join Morgan and run thru the sprinklers.

July 22nd

Life is Good

Life is good. Regardless of the actual situation going on "Life is good" is always true. Remembering it is key though.
Mark and I have been working on the family calendar and he put his in his palm pilot phone so he can look and see if we have plans on specific days. Hopefully this will help our communication. Communication is an essential part of being married. Well at least being happily married for me.
As Mark and I are working on our communication it helps us when we give Morgan directions. The idea of working as a team is what keeps popping up for me. Practicing team work helps to relieve my stress level. I don't feel like all the responsibility of the situation is mine alone.
Mark has been great about making breakfast in the morning when Morgan has her summer camp. I can then focus on getting her dressed and making her lunch. Morgan is one of those people who is slow to wake up in the morning. I start singing a song when I am waking her up. "Good morning toys, good morning toys good morning to you!" Then Morgan will call out a specific thing to say good morning to. Today she wanted me to say good morning to her butt. So of course I did sing good morning butt. Morgan was cracking up, when Morgan laughs I laugh. Laughing the first thing in the morning is wonderful.
When I was looking at the comedy selection on Netflix the other day I realized I had seen many of them. About 100 or so. Stripes with Bill Murray is still one of my favorites. Well on a very recent level I really liked 40 Year Old Virgin and laughed thru most of it.
The beautiful thing about my imagination is I think it is Spirit's job to laugh. Why else does my soul like to laugh so much?

July 14th 2006

Music

Well this morning I put the itunes on while typing on the computer. How delightful. I love this kind of music that doesn't have commercials.

I question myself. Will todays writing take me to endless possibilities? Even right now I am not sure of what I am going write. I guess the important thing is saying "yes" to the Spirit. Opening myself up to listening.

Today is a special day for me. Mark took Morgan to Angel Island. I have till 5:20pm to do anything I want. What is it that I want to do? Take a nap, shop, surf the web, do some laundry, talk with friends, do my blog, go to a movie, write, sit quietly and meditate, pray, go to the library, the list is endless. I decide to sit here and wait for an idea.

Live music gives me the feeling of community. Last night we went to down town Tiburon and on Friday nights they have food and live music in the streets. The beauty of watching people dance, especially children is heart warming. Morgan stood up to dance, or jump around. The music was drawing her. Pulling her. I think she was even in love with it. The real beauty of the experience for me was watching Mark dance with Morgan. The emotion of pure love. The joy in their faces. The light in their eyes. It gave me a profound feeling of gratefulness just to be alive. Standing there listening to the music, seeing all the people having fun, smiling.
The love of music comes from a deep part of my soul. Music makes me feel free. There was a time long ago that I did not have a stereo in my car. At that time it helped me to think in a quiet space. I still remember the day when I got the stereo installed in my car. The feeling of joy I felt when I turned the radio on. The feeling that I was close to God. I guess for me the feeling of being close to God is why my soul loves music.

July 8th 2006

Russian River

There is this thing I do. I start writing this blog and I get so into it that I forget to save it. I wrote a great one last week about how we were going to the Russian River and how excited I was. I was sitting on my bed and I just kept typing and the computer was getting hot and all of a sudden it stopped. It just would not register any sort of movement. I ended turning off the computer and starting it again. Having not saved anything my blog was gone. A very sorry me just went to bed.
The one good thing about that was Mark did come into the room and read the bolg before I shut the computer down. So at least it did have a reader before going away, into the place where lost computer stuff goes.

Well back from the Russian River I am rested. I was able to swim naked in the river (something I love to do) and come out feeling refreshed and healed. Remembering being 97% water, its important to swim in it, and feel it on your body.
Mark, Morgan and Claire were laughing at me since they had bathing suits with them and did not have to get naked. Getting naked a a good thing. A very good thing. There were no people around so the family did not feel weird or scared about my nakedness. Anyway the next day at the river there were lots of people around so I didn't take my swimsuit off until I was in the water and no one could see, thus not scaring the family.

I am worried about the computer, there was something in the manual about the new MacBpook getting too hot and that you should bring it back and get a new one.
I sure do hope everything can just be transfered out of this one and into a new one.I keep feeling the bottom and it is hot.
Wah-wah-wah. At least I remembered to press save 4 times while typing this blog.

July 1st

Corn on the cob

I am unsure why I find the time to do this blog while cooking dinner. I guess given a time to have this done and put dinner on the table before someone says I'm hungry speeds me up when typing and thinking. Maybe its the multi-tasking disease.

I did bring this new laptop to Palm Springs last week with Mark and Morgan but I did not type up my blog on it. I just didn't feel like it.
I hear Claire singing outside "Don't worry about a thing because everything little things gonna be all right." Or something like that. Though Claire does bug me sometimes, I sit here and think, "Yes thats so true."
I was the teacher in today youth church. The lesson was to build a paper airplane. Speak or write down your anger on it and let it float away. Good lesson. Sometimes I find that I am still holding on and haven't yet sent what ever anger I am holding on to away. Remembering to let go is a good thing. A very good thing.

Getting back to Palm Springs it was a great time. Really, really hot though. Morgan and I tried to stay in an air-conditioned place most of the day and we went out swimming later in the evening. Morgan is getting better at swimming and I am getting better at not looking so scared when I see her sort of drowning ish. Mark was a great swimming teacher to Morgan. The whole trip was very relaxing.
Unlike right now as I listen to Claire and Morgan fight about a hair brush that the other one wants. Drifting thru my mind I hear, "Don't worry." Remembering this I go and make some corn on the cob for tonight's dinner.

June 25th

Stepping Up

This morning I went to the gratefulness.org website and read about angles. What a beautiful way to begin a day. Morgan is still asleep and the house is quiet. Mark bought me a new MacBook laptop and now I am able to do this blog anywhere. I am so grateful to him as he is very supportive of me and this blog. There are many reasons why I love this laptop but this morning my reason is, unlike my old computer or "puter" as Morgan likes to say, is when typing on the keypad it is so quiet!

Last Wednesday was Morgans schools graduation. A sort up stepping up to the next level graduation. What it brought up for me was an immense feeling of joy and sadness all at the same time. Just watching 16 three year olds walking along down the grass path with the mortar hats on was heart breaking. The joy in their faces and their little smiles was precious! I had tears streaming down my face. I thought of their lives beginning and the awareness of lives ending. I am reminded of life ending specifically my mom's, it is good to remember we are spiritual beings, and our lives are eternal!

Anyway the community sang a song that I heard long ago at a retreat I attended at Agape in culver city.
"I love myself so much, that I can love you so much, that you can love you so much, that you can start loving me."
What I strong feeling of connectedness! I cry even now just thinking about it.
After Morgans graduation we all went to CompUsa and thats when Mark bought me this computer.

Today when I think "What story am I living?" I can say to myself a loving,happy, contented one.

June 17th 2006

Summer Fun

Mark had Claire in Santa Barbara this weekend so Morgan and I went to visit my sister Carrie. It was the first time I let Morgan and her cousin play with each other without me being in the room. Morgan is semi predicable. Anywhere there are paints she finds them. Carrie has a thing about getting paint on the floor, furniture, stuffed animals. I guess I do too. If Morgan is using paints in our house I put an apron on her and watch very closley. So I was happy to see that Morgan and Tyler came downstairs with out opening any paint. Oh I should mention Morgan did open up all the markers and put the ink allover her hands. Carrie was complaining that the markers were all dried out the next day. Well, I did offer to buy them more markers.
Now that summer is approaching I will be away from the computer and blogging less and enjoyig the summer fun as opposed to computer fun.

Sundays are great!

I like the weekends when Mark spends time with Morgan and I. Yesterday we went to the Height and had lunch at Cha Cha Cha. Morgan was great and stayed at the table, instead of getting up and moving around. Today has started out calm and relaxing. Sundays are great. Semi-Spiritual. Well at least sort of Spiritual.
I hear Morgan laughing at Mark in our bedroom. I love the sound of her laughing. It is so sweet. It softens my heart and uplifts my energy. Laughing is definitely healing. When I am upset and cranky I would like to remember to think of something funny to laugh about. That is my intention today. To remember the funny things in life and let anything that comes up as annoying just float away.
Later today we are going to look for the tempur-pedic pillows. Pillows are funny. If I can't get my pillow comfortable, I have a night of uncomfortale sleeping. I have been thinking about sleeping a lot latley. There is a song that I like by the Googoo Dolls. "I want to wake up where you are." I think that is when I knew that I had to be with Mark. I couldn't bear to sleep away from him.

May 28th

I can do that...

I sit here today and think what should I write? What is up for me? Well the phone just rang and I looked to see who was calling. A weird number came up and I thought I don't want to talk to some sales person or other odd caller. I just didn't answer it.

Sometimes I hear Spirit calling and I just don't want to answer it. I see myself as a creative person yet I don't feel up to taking the invitation from Spirit. Why?

Who knows. Sitting here I think Spirit is calling. Spirit is calling. Thinking about my mom I realize here on planet earth you are limited in the time you get. Has Spirit ever led me in the wrong direction? No. Has Spirit led me to a safe place? Yes.
Ok I will listen to the invitation. I will relax my mind. Stay away from being judgmental. Smile. Feel the warm sun. Listen to the birds singing. Take a deep breath and another deep breath. Believe that all is well, regardless of what stuff looks like. I think I can do that. I can do that. Thank you Spirit.

BIG words

Today I showed Morgan's teacher, Laurin the year end family card that Mark was working on. She loved it. I kept thinking I would send it to my mom before I remembered she was dead. Some things are a bummer. This is definitely one of them.

Today I purchased a dictionary! A big random house webster's college dictionary. I sure was dumbstruck when I saw it was just 5.99. Oh big word. There are lots of words I have used that I see in here. Drunk'Tank' a large jail cell where persons arrested for alcoholic or drug related behavior are detained. Most of my sisters friends would sleep over in the hall way. We would call that place the drunk tank. Circa 1983.

I think I might have something to say about most of the words in the dictionary. I wonder if Mark would frown at me if I just sat here and read it. Wow there are bad words in this dictionary. I don't want to type any in here though.

I have dishes from dinner on the table and I hear Morgan screaming in the tub as Mark washes her hair. Time to go.

May 10th

Wild Parrots

I sit here watching Mark work on the card for Morgan's pre-primary teacher. She wants to send them to the parents at the end of the year. We need 10 more hours to fill our 25 volunteer hours. Mostly what I'm doing is saying, "Move that one closer" or "Make that one bigger." I don't think I am helping.

This weekend Mark took us to the city. His ploy was, "Lets go see the wild parrots." It sounded fun. What he didn't say was, "There is a flight of stairs to see the wild parrots. Ninety of them." The first ninety weren't so bad. It was the next 100 to go up to the Coit tower that was a stretch. Morgan got to ride piggy back on Marks shoulders. Where was my piggy back ride?
I don't remember ever getting a piggy back ride from anyone. This makes me sad. I must have had a piggy back ride. Didn't I? Anyway, I saw one wild parrot. Green with a red head. Morgan and Mark being ahead of me might have seen 2 or 3. Morgan was calling back to me, "You can make it mom." What so bad about being 25 feet behind them? Ok, maybe just 15 feet behind them. Overall it was an exciting adventure. At least coming down the stairs it was just 10 minutes.

May 7th

20+ years

Well I'm back from the burial and memorial. The east coast was great. I feel so alive. To see people you love and haven't seen in 20+ years feels great. To have left Morgan with Mark for 5 days feels almost better than great. What a big relief.

At the cemetery my grandmothers Donahue family plot was just a few hundred feet from my moms Ford family plot. We buried my grandmother first and then went to my moms. It was weird being at the cemetery, I haven't been there since I was 5.

I read from the book The Prophet by Khalif Gibran at my grandmothers grave site. Then everyone got in their cars and drove to my moms site. It was creepy seeing my mom's urn sitting on a table set on astro turf. This time I read Psalm 39 from the bible. I was doing fine until I looked at Colleen and Carrie. I just started to weep. Well not really weep but cry. A man stepped forward to hug me, then I sobbed. I kept thinking my mom's childhood friend is hugging me. I am weeping even now.
I wanted to back to my mom's grave the next day to see if they put the urn in the ground and covered her up. That was Thursday.

Saturday came quick enough. I slept 2 hours the night before thinking about the reading I was doing in the church. I just wasn't sure I could do it after sobbing in the cemetery. My cousin Kevin was doing the first reading and he promised me he would sit where the alter boys sit incase I was crying. Being in the church was nothing like being at the cemetery. The feeling was up lifting and it was great to see all the smiling faces. The reading went super. When I got back to the pew I heard my step brother say, "Group Hug" and just couldn't stop laughing.

After the service there were 65 people at the reception. I am surprised. I thought maybe 25 at the most. I was exhausted after 2 hours and went to sleep in the rental car for half an hour. That was a good power nap. I said good bye to everyone with a rested smile on my face.

Now at home I miss my Aunt Rosemary, Colleen, Carrie, Mary Pat and Marie. The luncheon, dinner, shopping and good times crew. I have a greater awareness of dying and thankfulness for the grace in my life.

April 2nd

Meltdown

Mark, Morgan and I are finished eating dinner. I hear them playing with the legos while I am typing.
Morgan is doing this new thing. Something like a melt down. This morning she did not want her eggs and she was throwing a fit about wanting to have pancakes. Not just a little fit but a major big time fit. The fits that make me want to cry too.
I didn't want to make her pancakes. I did have one that I had frozen last week that I gave to her. A frozen home made pancake made my day.
I thank God for the times when life is simple.

Time and time again I want to spend as much time with God as I do with Morgan.

April 23

Were trained!

I really can't say enough good things about a potty trained little girl. Life sure is a lot easier. I must say Morgan mostly trained herself. Sometimes she does ask for a treat but I guess thats ok.

April 20th

Keep open the door of my heart

Parenting has been harder than I thought it would be. Adding just one person to the household has been more work. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. When I was a girl, my grandma would make dinner for my sisters and I. If my sister Colleen wanted something different for dinner she would make her what she wanted. I find myself thinking about doing that for Morgan. Then I remember than it is Morgan's job to eat what food is on the table and it's my job not to worry about it.

Potty training has been a big deal. I thought it was a quick and easy thing to do. Wrong. When Morgan forgets to use her special training potty and pees on the floor the best thing for the parent to do is to not make a big deal about it. Meanwhile I clean it up mumbling in my head about how I hope this doesn't ruin the wood floors.

Turning 3 has changed some things. Morgan is now sleeping thru the night. Most nights at least. You have to give her a piece of cheese right before she goes to sleep though. After Mark reads her the 3 books, I don't have to lay down next to her until she falls asleep. I now just sit next to her. I cross my legs next to her and try to meditate for a few minutes. It is actually pretty convenient. As long as you can meditate while someone is softly snoring. I tell her I will come and check on her and she stays in the bed and falls asleep. She is wearing big girl underpants. Morgan wears pull up diapers at night for accidents. She gets a star on a chart when she makes a pee-pee in her potty. Things are really quite good. Really.

Morgan and Mark were playing a game where Morgan gave Mark some stuffed animals. There names were: Pee-Pee, Pooh and Pinky Pie. I smile just remembering it.

Keep open the door of my heart.

April 14th

Low

Morgan is mostly sleeping thru the night and is almost potty trained. I think she and I will have the potty training done by Tuesday. I will then be able to send her to the spring camp at her school next week.

I need some time to be alone. I leave at the end of the month to go bury my mom in Boston. Since its me and my two sisters we thought we would also mail my grandmother's ashes and bury her next to my grandfather. I am feeling sad about this. I am also a little worried about leaving Morgan with Mark. We have never been apart. They have planned to go get the trailer.

This is the next day. I did not finish this last night.

I am to depressed to finish this now.

April 8th

Scurvy Pirate

I put Morgan to bed at 8:00PM. I read her the 3 books and said, "Everyone sleeps in their own bed." I handed her the bottle and walked out of the room. She did not cry and ask me to come back. She went to sleep. I am so happy.

It just breaks my heart when I hear her crying for me. I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong by saying, "Go to sleep it is bedtime." I feel like I am losing my baby girl. As I sit here I remember hearing her singing this morning, "What should we do with the scurvy pirate" I smile and wonder if she even knows what a scurvy pirate is. Then I think wait, I don't even know what a scurvy pirate is either.

April 4

Morgan woke up at 8:30

Its now 9:30 and Morgan did wake up at 8:30. I consider myself lucky that Mark is with Morgan on the couch watching the care bear movie. I can't watch twinkers and wish bear another night. Really.

April 2

Scary Things

I feel like it has been a long time since I have sat down to write my blog. Explanation. Claire was here last week.
Morgan is asleep and it is just 6:53PM. She fell asleep in the car at 6:00PM coming home from the Ice Age 2 movie. I really do not like it when she falls asleep this early because she might wake up at 8:00 and not be tired till 10:00PM. I also really really don't like the time change. I don't like putting the clock ahead. I like it to be sunny in the morning. Since I am talking about things I don't like... that grass in the Easter baskets and play dough. Both items are all over our house due to early easter gifts for Claire and Morgan.

Morgan, Claire and I went out on Wednesday night for burritos. Morgan and Claire were sitting on bar stools while I was placing the order. The next thing I heard was a big boom and Morgan crying. My heart was beating so fast. I picked her up from the floor and just held her. Morgan was crying pretty hard. I finished paying for the burritos and we went home. When we got home Morgan was still pretty upset. I took out the Your Baby and Child book to read about concussions. Soon after that Morgan did throw up, which I had just read was something to be watching for. The book said to call an ambulance. Morgan, Claire and I got in the car and set off for the hospital. I called Mark and he said he would meet there. After spending about an hour at the hospital with the doctor we were released with the head injury paperwork. Slight concussion. That was Scary. I didn't cry because I didn't want to scare Morgan but I felt like crying. I also didn't want to cry in front of the doctor when I was telling him about Morgan's symptoms. I wanted to call my mom but couldn't. I just prayed she would watch over Morgan being an official Angel now.

As we were leaving the hospital Morgan wanted a purple popsicle. At home Morgan was having her purple popsicle, smiling and drinking some translucent fluid. The doctor and the directions they handed us as we were leaving said to wake her every 2 hours. Needless to say there was no sleep for me that night.

I am so appreciative of how quick little children heal themselves. If I fell off a bar stool the next day I would be saying, "My shoulder hurts, my arm hurts, my head hurts". Morgan was slightly cranky the next day and nothing a 2 hour nap couldn't fix. I too was happy to have a nap. Sometimes a nap can fix just about anything.

April 1

You are not alone

Claire is in the living room waiting for Mark to play a game with her. Morgan is asleep. Mark is in the phone with our mobile phone company. Milo is barking because the post person truck just drove by.

I have opened up to releasing the need to control others. Why do I feel like I have to be in charge of everything all the time? Upbring? Why am I waiting for my higher good to arrive? There is actually no need to wait. It is here now. It has always been here waiting for me to see it.

Today I will let Mark dress the kids and not make a judgment about it. I will watch Mark let the kids blow bubbles outside and not feel that I have to say something about Morgan and Claire being barefoot.

I will allow myself to cry about the loss of my mom. I will enjoy all my feelings. Not just the good feelings but the scared feelings, the fearful feelings and the small feelings. Really take the time to feel what is coming up and not try to push any of it away. Just be with my feelings. Listen to Spirit saying, "You are not alone" and believe it.

March 20th

Me Me Me

I am staying in the NOW. Right now. I am not going to the future. I am not caring what is in the future. I am going to let tomorrow take care of itself. I am just going to take care of me. Me Me Me. Thats it. Me. I am going to go to gratefulness.org and light a candle for me and then go to bed.

March 23

Joyous Things

Spring is here. I heard our dog Milo barking and looked out the window to see 4 deer in the back yard eating some green grass. The deer do not seem to be frightened by Milo's barking. However Milo's constant barking at deer, the mail person driving by or the UPS truck is pretty annoying to me. Morgan loves to ring our door bell when we come home and listen to Milo barking. Morgan thinks its funny.

Mark had Milo as a pet before we got together. Milo is a wheaten terrier. Not my first choice in dogs. Greyhounds are my kind of dog. Well actually I am a cat lover, but Morgan seems to love dogs.

Well dogs and cats isn't what I wanted to talk about anyway. After reading the article about people who blog I thought, "Gee maybe I need a bigger intention." Well I could write a book. Call it "Don't wear mascara if you might cry today, because it stings your eyes." Crying is supposed to be healing but when I cry my eyes sting so badly from the mascara I don't really find it very healing. I also like to wear sun glasses when I am crying. In public that is. I also don't like to cry in public. Or in movie theaters. Any time some ones dad dies in a movie I cry. I wonder now that my mom has transitioned will I cry when someone's mom passes in a movie too?

I hope not. Why is death not always a joyous thing? Yea! That person just died and went on to a better living experience. I am trying to make my moms transition into a joyous thing for me. It is just adjusting to a new way of life for me. Although I can't call her on the phone like I used to, sit and talk with her in person like I used to or watch Morgan climbing on her exercise bike like I used to. Is that really such a terrible thing?

Change. Its all about the fear of change. Wanting something to stay the same way forever. The Law as it is written in Teachings Of The Buddha: All things are impermanent. What is the answer? Love is the answer. Keeping the love alive in my heart keeps my mom alive. Love. Love. Love.

March 21

Making Brownies

Is it possible? When I went to the place that hosts my site gaelencooper.com, I saw that 78 people visit each day? According to the Blogging Marin article there are at least 8 million Americans that have created a blog. Wow.

Morgan is watching Scooby Doo Where Are You? So I have a few minutes to write.
I keep hearing the song in the background and remember watching Scooby Doo as a kid. Some things never change.

There is pre-school story time today at the library. Currently I am doing the 3rd load of laundry while I write. Morgan can be a fuss getting into the car to go any where in the afternoon. She is sleepy and wont take a nap. She then becomes a fussy 3 year old. A fussy 3 tear old gives me a massive headache. We also need to stop at the market. I could tell her we will get her a muffin. Of course she will want a chocolate chip muffin.

I had a weird dream last night. All day I've been thinking about it. Should I e-mail the person who was in the dream with me?

Well after finishing that sentence Morgan called me to come and lay on the couch with her. Happy to agree to rest with her I laid down on the couch. We decided to make brownies which was fine with me, the sweet tooth I am. They are whole wheat which I feel is better than flour.

We never got to the library but we did get to the market. Morgan saw the cheetos by the milk and was shouting CHEETOS! So of course since I love to spoil her and feel bad about it later I got them for her.

Morgan is in her room painting which is so cute. I hope my mom is watching her. I thought I would be able to write today and not mention my mom. I continue thinking about my dream last night but I am also thinking about my mom all the time.

Well I "Gotta Blast" as Jimmy Neutron would say.

P.S. It feels good that it is the first day of Spring.

March 21

Lonely

Well our trip to Aunt Carrie's went well. Morgan and her cousin Tyler were talking about Nana being in Heaven. Morgan said, "Nana is picking berries" Children speak the truth, so I was happy to hear my mom was picking berries.

Of course it was weird not having to go in my mom's room to spend time with her. Not having the TV on all night. Not hearing the noise of the oxygen machine buzzing 24/7. It was lonely.

I read something in Teachings of the Buddha that today I am drawn to.
The Way is beyond language, for in it there is
no yesterday
no tomorrow
no today.

March 19

Play happily with my toys

Its been a weird couple of days. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I feel weepy.
Mark bought me a blue tooth phone that enables you to talk on the phone in the Lexus. Without holding your mobile phone if that makes any sense. Mark called on the phone in the car and Morgan and I were talking to him. We hung up and Morgan wanted to call someone else. She wanted to call Nana. I wasn't feeling like telling her that Nana was in heaven with Newton our old cat. I just said "Nana is having a busy day and can't talk on the phone."

Today I decided to say something to Morgan about Nana, since we are going there tomorrow. I said "Morgan, Nana will not be at Aunt Carrie's. Nana went to heaven with Newton. Do you understand what Mommy is saying?." Morgan answered "Yes" and she kept on playing with her toys.

Being 3 is great. Why can't I just accept that my mom is gone and play happily with my toys?

I am so surprised

I am in shock. My mom passed away this morning. Carrie called me at 7AM and I didn't get up to get the phone. Mark was gone at 5:30AM to work in Burlingame. After laying in the bed with Morgan who got up at 6:30 for her bottle. It occurred to me "Who would call at 7AM on a Saturday morning?" So I got up and listened to the messages. It was Carrie who left a message to say mom had passed.

I am so surprised. I just spoke to my mom yesterday and she sounded fine. Well she said, "The nurse is here to fix me up." She thought the hospice worker was a nurse. I do not quite remember what Carrie said about my mom passing this morning. I do remember crying.

I thought, "Who should I call?" I called my friend Katie who lives in the mid west and I knew she would be awake. I had just sent an e-mail to her to say my mom wasn't gone yet and I would be very surprised if she left this month. I am just very surprised she left this morning.

I have a headache. I called my sister Colleen and we laughed a little about my mom. She and I both felt better. Mark came home from work and he is sort of sleeping, holding Morgan on the couch while she watches a cartoon on the Disney channel.

Did I say I have a headache? I called Rev. Karyl for a prayer this morning. That helped.

Morgan could see I was upset so she got her ukulele out and sang me the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Her little 3 year old voice is so sweet.

I knew my mom's passing was coming. I have blogged about it but I am surprised.
Why? I don't know. I had warning. I am surprised that an entire life could leave this plane so fast. I am sad.

March 11th

Windy Day

Yes, I am sitting here when I should either take a nap or unload the dish washer and then load the dish washer back up.

Morgan has her gymnastics class today so I don't have to pick her up until 4:00PM. So I do have a little extra time.

The wind is blowing outside and it looks cold out there. Of course that is just my thought about wind blowing and it being cold outside if the wind is blowing. Well it does sound windy too. Which doesn't mean it is cold but...

Thinking does make it so to the mind.

I had to get my blood tested today. I don't really like having my blood tested. I don't like being poked with needles. The blood taker person constantly says, "Just breathe normally" which I think I am doing but I guess I'm not.

It looks like I should bring a scarf and some gloves today. I am so glad I don't live in a place that snows. I just do not like being cold. I will say a thank you to Mark for buying me my car. The seats warm up so I feel warm when driving. It is cozy. I wish there was a way to warm up Morgan's car seat, other than turning on the heater. I ask her, "Do you feel the heater?" She says, "Yes I do" but then I am hot from my seat heater. Is there no medium? I guess like life there is no middle ground sometimes.

March 9th

Its all true

I'm sitting here in the office typing in the pouring rain. Pouring rain isn't a good sleeping buddy for me. The tap, tap, tap on the roof doesn't lull me to sleep. Sara our cat coming in from the rain crying to be dried off doesn't help either.

So, I will write. About what I don't know yet. The story about how gaelen.com sold for $10,000.00 is always a good story to tell. I spoke about that story at the center today. A few people came up to me after the service to say "Wow! What a great story." The good thing about that story is it's all true. The other good thing about that story is it's an example how Spirit is always working for you. Spirit/God/Mother/Father always provides.

In this case the way Spirit provided for me was to my liking. In truth the way Spirit provides isn't always, at first to my liking. I guess there has to be some space to step back and see the bigger picture. Making the time for solitude.

Life is good for me right now. I love doing my blog. Morgan at 3 years old gets in her car seat without a tantrum. I have a small amount of time to call my mom to check in with her. I love my friends. I am looking forward to the new pictures of Morgan on the site. I love my man and I am looking forward to seeing him come home from Santa Barbara tonight. I am grateful. Thats it I am grateful. If you have time click on gratefulness.org on bottom of the contact us page. Read, light a candle, or go to features where I am going right now.

March 5th

Rain?

On Feb. 11th I wrote under the transition blog that I was called for jury duty.
Morgan and I showed up for jury duty yesterday, Feb. 28th. The woman working at the desk said "If you are a full-time parent just sign where it says "other" on the form. Write that you are a full-time parent, your child's date of birth and you can leave." Yea!! Morgan and I then went to the cafeteria across the way from the jury duty room and ate breakfast. It sure does feel good when what I want to happen, is the thing the thing that is happening.

As Morgan and I were leaving the civic center Morgan wanted to go to the zoo. I was not up for going to the zoo. I thought it might rain. I didn't want to go to the park either. I thought all the park things would be wet. I wanted to go to the market. We needed eggs. Just earlier at the cafeteria Morgan ate my egg whites and I knew we didn't have any eggs at home to make for her. I wanted to go to the market! We arrived at the market and Morgan really did not want to be there. Morgan said "Go back to your seat. Lets go to the zoo." No amount to pleading was changing her mind. I really don't like it when she cries, the noise just bugs. The feeling of not being able to fix it bugs.

Well "What is the crime of going to the park?" Just because I was worried about the rain from the other day on the swings, slides, etc. Does that make it something we shouldn't do? The sun was out. I didn't have to listen to the gloom and doom of the news anyway. So we went to the park. Morgan walked up the slide and I looked down and there was water pooled up at the bottom of it. I said, "Morgan, lets not go down. I don't want your bottom getting wet." Just then another mom at the park said "I have a towel." So, I wiped up the bottom of the slide. Was that all I was worrying about? Some water on Morgan's butt? I put a towel in the trunk of the car when Morgan and I got home. I was grateful to that mom who had a towel, now I will have a towel to clean the water from the slide and swings too.

It sure is funny what I worry about. I had been distracted by fear. Fear is a limiting factor. I release fear from my thoughts. Now free, I am able to see more clearly and accept all the good that the universe offers."

March 1st

Dads

Mark and Morgan are watching Monsters Inc. I snuck away as it is my 50th time watching Monsters Inc. and Morgan and I just watched it Wednesday night. It is nice for them to have father daughter time without me hanging out.

Fathers and daughters. My dad and I went to the movie 10 with BO Darek. It was a big movie in 1979. In the movie I remember thinking, "Why is her hair in braids?" and "Does my dad like her?" I remember being so embarrassed but now typing this I can't recall why.

My dad took me out to breakfast when I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I didn't really talk to my dad about boyfriends. The morning after I was dumped I remember feeling so sad. I wish I could remember what my dad said to me that morning.
I just remember being with him. For me it was so great being with my dad. Even if I don't remember what he said to me. He would call me kid-do and I would smile.

I love when Mark calls Morgan Kid-do. Mark is a great Dad. Its funny but Mark reminds me of my dad. I used to say, "I would never marry my dad" and I did of course.
Feb. 25

Curious George

I just can't believe that Morgan is asleep at 8:00PM and I'm sitting here typing. I didn't really think about what I was going to write today. Not that I plan it out anyway. Well sometimes I do.

Curious George. Is it ok to cry in a children's movie?
I thought it was so great when they realized they were carrying the map around with them the whole time. They just needed to look at it in a different way.

Life sure is like that for me sometimes. The answer I need is right with me but I don't seem to see it. It happens to me with Morgan. This morning Morgan really wanted my attention. I was trying to talk with my own mom on the phone at the time. I hung up the phone. I just stood there and thought, "What is it that I am missing?" I saw these boxes in the kitchen that we had bought on Tuesday at IKEA. I asked Morgan to help me build them. I handed her the finished one and told her to put her smaller toys in it. This took Morgan about an 10 minutes to fill it up. She then took it around the house to try and hide it, go into our room and scare our cat Sara out of the there and put it under the pillows for Mark to find. That was an hour that all I had to do was watch her. Not entertain her. Just appreciate what she was doing. How creative. If I hadn't stopped long enough to look around me I would not have thought of even building one box. I built the other 3 boxes and we cleaned up the toys on the floor of her room. We found a good place to put the boxes and the room was clean all day. When we originally bought the boxes at IKEA that was not what I planned for them. Sometimes the universe has a better plan for you, when you take the time to listen.
Feb. 23

23 and in love

Its 5:50PM. I hear the Winnie The Pooh playing on video cassette.

I am thinking maybe I can whip out this blog in a few minutes. Mark told me, "Why don't you talk about how much you love your family." "Well, it's my blog and I will blog what I want to blog about." I said.
Winnie The Pooh plays on. The song is about what you covet. The Heffulumps and Woozles will love it. Sometimes life is like that. The more you want something the sooner you find it leaving. I'm sure there is something Science of Mind to say about it that. I can't remember it right now.

Its 7PM. I had to stop and make the pasta for dinner. Morgan loves it with just a small amount of olive oil and parmesan cheese. Mark and I had our pasta with red sauce. I really do love my family, although I told Mark "I would blog what I want to blog about." Morgan at 3 is so great. She is never ending. Talking about trees and mountains or tunnels and bridges. I was thinking about Mark when we were laying in bed this morning. I am amazed that this year it will be 18 years since we first met. There is something magical about that. I like to talk about our story. I like to remind myself of being 23 and in love. The kind of love that doesn't care about the laundry not being folded, or watching a movie till 3AM. No judgment. Vanilla. A beautiful smile.

I smile at Mark today. I rejoice in the now. I forgive myself for the things aren't like the vanilla of the past and I think of how lucky I am today.
Feb. 21

Remembering to Slow Down

What did I do for myself today?

Well at 6:50AM I heard Morgan and got up to get her the bottle. I then went back to bed. I stayed in bed until noon. I could hear Morgan and Claire fighting and Mark asking them if they wanted pancakes. My mind wandered into thinking mode and I thought "I should get up and make the kids some breakfast." I remembered I didn't have to fix what was going on. Mark could handle his daughters. I didn't need to go into the living room and say, "Claire hold your own jacket and stop trying to get 3 year old Morgan to hold it for you."

I have to say I am proud of myself. Remembering I don't need to say anything is powerful. Some weekends with my step daughter is draining. She is a good kid mostly but hearing, "Why did Morgan get .... first?." Gets on my last nerve. Is it possible to have a last nerve? Anyway, I went to Whole Foods and purchased the Rejuvenating Mask by Dr. Hauschka. I really like the Dr. Hauschka products. They use a holistic approach that encourages and supports the health of the skin. When I was at Whole Foods I did buy a chicken to make for dinner tonight. Well it was great having a holiday today. Mark and the kids didn't come home until 3:00PM. No one wanted the sweet potato fries that I had made. Well, Claire did have one. I ate the rest, offered Mark three fries and was happy.

Sometimes remembering to slow down for yourself is a good thing.
Feb 19th

I can be what I will to be

I have been watching the olympics. Sometimes. The other night the short track skater Apollo Ohno was talking about how he fell on Sunday. The commentator asked him how he was feeling on the ice. He answered the question by saying "You have to rid your mind of the demons".

Funny he should say that, as I have been doing the exact same thing the last couple of days.

Ridding the mind of sorrow, unhappiness, dis-ease, negativity. These things are not necessities and need to go. A little mental house cleaning. In the book The Master Key System the affirmation is "I can be what I will to be."

Knowing, I can be what I will to be puts a smile on my face. It raises me up to my intention. I just sincerely repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.
I can be what I will to be.

Feb. 17th

Thinking of...

Today is Valentines Day. I am unsure if today is a good day or not. I'm not sure if I should even think about it in forms of good or not. I suppose it is, what it is.

Thoughts.
Running thru my mind today I have had many thoughts. Many of these thoughts made me feel: angry, sad, happy, filled with love, filled with.........(fill in the blank on your own.) For me it is stopping these thoughts running thru my mind before I find that I am mad, upset, happy thats bothering me.
On the back of my business card I have the Shakespeare quote, "Thinking makes it so." Yes, I believe thinking does make it so. Its all in the thinking.
Its where are your thoughts taking you? That is the question.
So when I find myself angry, sad, unhappy, etc. What am I to do? Meditate? Sometimes but not always. I find with Morgan jumping up and down meditation is not always that easy.
I remember a long time ago in the 80's. It was in the summer, when I would watch my sister Carrie.
We would have quiet time. Just sit on the living room floor and be quiet. Not a race of who was the quietest. It was just sitting or laying on the carpet and not saying anything.
There was never "Ok lets be quiet for 10 minutes" at least I don't remember it being that way.
I guess I would have to ask Carrie. But since this blog is all about me, I don't remember it being that way.
It was a time of relaxation. Thinking about it, maybe it was just a time to love yourself.
I hear the wind howling outside my window. I think, yes thats it. A time to love yourself. A time to say, "I don't do everything perfectly, on time or to the best of my ability thats ok, I love myself anyway."

So on Valentines Day I end this blog thinking the most important person to love is not Mark, Morgan or my Mom. Its Me.
Feb. 14th

Faith

Today is lets pay our bills day. I sit here while Mark prints out the checks. I fold them up and put them into the various envelopes. Ugh.

Morgan had a cold today and I worry about going to see my mom yesterday. Don't want to have the feeling that we gave her the cold that killed her.

Its now 8:00PM and Morgan fell asleep at 6:00PM watching a Wiggles dvd. The Wiggles are a weird crowd. Claire said, "Why are they holding instruments and not playing them?" Well Claire lots of time in the world people are holding onto things they don't need but they can't let them go either.

A good reminder to me to look at what am I holding onto that I can't let go of? Stress, guilt, worry, feeling the need to constantly do something. Read, blog, dust, wash the dishes, do the laundry...

Faith is what I need today. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Charles Haanel.

Feb. 12th

Porcupine

Morgan and I made it to my sisters, Carrie's to see my mom.

I brought my mom a silhouette of Morgan I had made at Disneyland. You know that place on Main Street that has this woman who has been there 40 years and cuts the black paper? She did a great job on Morgan who sat in my lap and held really still. My mom really liked it. She told me to make copies of it to mail to all my friends. I told her it was our special thing and only she and I would have one.

After this is when she said to me "When I croak what do you want besides the light?" she didn't mean THE LIGHT she meant a lamp that was her mom's. I really didn't know what to say as I have never really thought about it. I told her I wanted the Swarovski crystal porcupine that was my Dad's second wife's. How my mom even ended up with it is a mystery to me. I remember Gloria bringing it home from a cruise she went on after my dad made his transition. Morgan likes the porcupine though. As prickly and dangerous as it looks. I then told her the bracelet I bought her in Ireland and the chinese man I bought her at cost plus. She said fine.
What do you say to something like "What do you want when I croak? I guess what I wanted to say is "Can you use a better word other than croak?"

Carrie later made fun of me about wanting the porcupine. Sisters.

It really wasn't hard leaving my mom. I thought it would be, you know tears and everything. It wasn't like that thought. I feel like crying now.

We made it home in 2 hours and I was even able to re-start Emperors New Groove in the car using the remote, which was good because I didn't want to get off the fwy. Morgan didn't mind re-watching it so the two of us were happy.

Mark is telling me the Olympics are on and I told him I watched it at Carrie's.

My hands still smell like the soap I used at Carrie's which smells really bad so I am going to wash my hands and go to sleep.

Feb.11th

Transition

I have a few minutes to type this as Mark reads Morgan her bed time books. He speeds through them which is something I don't really like. Tomorrow Mark is working so Morgan and I will drive 2 hours to see my Mom. She sounded better when I spoke with her today, she ate 1 piece of toast which is the most she has eaten all week.
Ugh. I was called for jury duty today. I will tell them I refuse to pass judgment on another person. I think that will get me out of being selected as a juror. At least that's what my friend Joyce says that she did. Its true anyway I don't want to pass judgment on any one else anyway.
Morgan slept thru the night last night so I am feeling well rested. Sometimes the 2 hour drive wears me out. I am glad we have the DVD player in the car so she can watch a movie. I get so sad around my Mom and find myself emotionally worn out too. Transition shouldn't be a scary thing, but to me it is. I am glad I know I am an eternal being. I don't like change sometimes.
I received the Cobra information in the mail along with the jury duty thing. The insurance will cost 885.00 a month for Morgan and I. I can't stand how in America we treat our people so horribly health wise. Where are our free doctors? Thats 10,620.00 a year. I don't even want to write about it anymore. I think that is how much Morgan's Montessori school costs.
I feel this is a strange, strange world. Time for me to cut up a pear for Morgan.
Feb 11

Disneyland

Just now as I left Morgan's room I heard her snoring, I thought of something. I think its Mark's snoring that is waking me up in the middle of the night to hear the Universal Energy. I remember telling him last night, "Nonie No! Turn over on your side"
I say Nonie No to Morgan when I want her to stop climbing on the couch, kicking the back of my car seat, anything else I have voted as something giving me a head ache.
Yesterday I had a dream of mine come true as Mark, Morgan and I went to Disneyland! Morgan is just the perfect age as she loved anything we went on.
After taking her to Fantasy Land for the proper trip around the Carousel, the Peter Pan ride and Dumbo (which I couldn't take her on for fear of throwing up.) We went to the Jungle Boat Cruise which she loved, the Pirates of the Caribbean and the Tarzan Tree-house. This was called the Swiss Family Robinson Tree-house when I was a kid.
I was reminded that It's A Small World boat ride is good for getting out of the sun but the music hasn't changed so its sort of a headache maker. Luckily I already had a headache so it really didn't matter and it was nothing that 4 extra strength Tylenol couldn't fix.
Not feeling like walking over to Toon Town to find Mini and Mickey we went down to where Pooh lives and saw Pooh, Eyeore and Tigger which was just fine by Morgan.
Sort of disgusted to see the stand that sells Mc Donald french fries I ate up my sugar laden churro and let it drift out of my mind.
Overall a great day.
Upon leaving we bought Morgan this Buzz Light-year gun-ish kind of toy that was really loud which of course she loved and shot at all the teens sitting next to us on the tram on the way to the parking lot. This went on for 10 minutes before I told her "That's enough or the battery comes out" Smart enough to know it wouldn't work if the battery was gone she stopped for another 10 minutes.
The picture on the front page of this Blog is Morgan as I received an e-mail today from a friend who said, "I thought the picture of you was Morgan with long hair!  It is crazy how much she looks like you!" It is crazy because that is Morgan and she does look like me. Well sort of.

Well now that my blog is up and running I sit here with nothing to say, write, think.
I am really tired. Morgan wakes up every night around two, three or four in the morning for a bottle. Lately Mark has been getting up to get her the bottle. I lay awake sometimes until she wakes up and I say to Mark, "She's up" at which point Mark says, " I didn't hear her? Are you sure?"
Mark and Morgan have just burst out of her room. They are done reading the bedtime book. Morgan says, " Sing me a lullaby." I usually make up a song and tell her, "Oh you loved this song when you were a baby."
2-1-06

The Navajo does not look for beauty; he generates it within himself and
projects it onto the universe.

This moment in time Morgan is asleep and the universal energy speaks to me. I am sharing this with you.
I think what is being a mother? Is it something I should do with utter perfection?
I find I don't know what perfection is in raising Morgan.
I find I know heat up a towel in the dryer when I am changing her. I tell her I have her cozy ready and she should hurry up so she doesn't miss its warmth.
I remember her birthday party yesterday. I could see her beauty really, just natural beauty. I knew it was something she was emitting, projecting into the party crowd. I thought what happened to me? Where is my ability to generate beauty? Then today some one said to me, "I can see your happiness in your face, you look so pretty." So I find I did not have to do anything... just be. Now I realize they did not say beauty but for me today pretty is ok.
jan 29 06

Right now I am trying to make dinner, while Morgan sits on the floor watching babe 2 which I don't really like. Morgan on the other hand does.
I am typing in this blog, which I feel guilty about thinking there must be something I could do besides typing. But because I love my journal I will continue to type.
We are waiting for mark to come home from geo-cashing.
He was making fun of me yesterday calling me a blogger. Which is ok, I suppose.
I guess having an open journal on a web site, is what people in 2006 call blogging.
Morgan's birthday is on Thursday and she will be 3. When I had her in 2003 it was the Super Bowl Day.
I am worried about the birthday on Saturday and should be cleaning. I think.
As Morgan is now in the office and climbing on the newly cleared off dining room table, she tells me the computer doesn't have a mouth.
Could this be true?
As she just farted I will leave the computer with she and I laughing about it.
1-26-06

I find I cannot sleep as the universal energy keeps talking to me.
I am glad you found this page as I have much to say and I am even amazed that I have a reader to read these mispelled and un puncuated words.
Where should I start?
Who am I?
I think should people know I have a family? A husband ,a daughter, sisters with children of their own
a mom who is dying
Well I do have a husband and his name is mark, I have a daughter,sisters and a mom who is dying.
Mark and I met in college at the Art Center of design in the 80's.
I loved him from the first minute I saw him in the black and white lab to be exact. He looked like paul revere.
This is a long story so I will try to edit it down.
so as life progressed mark and I were soon living together. when winter came his heart told him to leave me and go skiing.
He went away skiing and I never really saw him again.
Well, I saw him once when I first bought my house in long beach. I found him to not really be interested in me romantically so it was as you say unrequited?
Any way life went by like it usually does.
And about 5 years later I was thinking of mark. I was actually in a wedding in Ireland, thinking about mark.
I thought... Mark was the best guy I have ever been with. Too bad that never worked out.
Well when I got home I found an email from him. I was not really surprised. Things work like that for me, as i am sure you have found that out to. What you think about shows up. So anyway I called him and flew up to san fran. to see him. I saw him standing at the airport with roses. Fell in love all over again. Sold my house in long beach moved here got married and had morgan.
Hence I am sitting here at 6am writing this down for someone like you to read.
How did this site even make its way to the internet?
Funny you ask.
Well way back when (which would be 20 years ago in life time) I didn't really know what the web and web sites were really. All I knew was my friend nathan had one.
So I begged my mom for the 100.00 is cost me to get one.
I told her one day someone will want to buy the name gaelen.com from me. No one believed me . I kept saying that someone will want to buy gaelen,com though.
Well one day someone did want to buy gaelen .com from me. They even wanted to pay me 10,000.00 dollars. knowing that all things are impermanent I sold this man gaelen.com for 10,000.00 dollars.

Hanse though a long journey, this is a place you can read about me. Its all about me of course.
Anyway here is a place to see pictures off morgan,me and mark and the people we know. its amazing to think all you need is: a person who knows how to put together a web site, some money to pay that person who in this case is mark Armer, a digital camera and time your for your self to look at.Of course, listen to what your mind is hearing in this vast energy field and write it down.
Now feeling like I want one more hour of sleep, I will go to bed.
jan 23 2006