Monday, March 27, 2006

You are not alone

Claire is in the living room waiting for Mark to play a game with her. Morgan is asleep. Mark is in the phone with our mobile phone company. Milo is barking because the post person truck just drove by.

I have opened up to releasing the need to control others. Why do I feel like I have to be in charge of everything all the time? Upbring? Why am I waiting for my higher good to arrive? There is actually no need to wait. It is here now. It has always been here waiting for me to see it.

Today I will let Mark dress the kids and not make a judgment about it. I will watch Mark let the kids blow bubbles outside and not feel that I have to say something about Morgan and Claire being barefoot.

I will allow myself to cry about the loss of my mom. I will enjoy all my feelings. Not just the good feelings but the scared feelings, the fearful feelings and the small feelings. Really take the time to feel what is coming up and not try to push any of it away. Just be with my feelings. Listen to Spirit saying, "You are not alone" and believe it.

March 20th

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Me Me Me

I am staying in the NOW. Right now. I am not going to the future. I am not caring what is in the future. I am going to let tomorrow take care of itself. I am just going to take care of me. Me Me Me. Thats it. Me. I am going to go to gratefulness.org and light a candle for me and then go to bed.

March 23

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Joyous Things

Spring is here. I heard our dog Milo barking and looked out the window to see 4 deer in the back yard eating some green grass. The deer do not seem to be frightened by Milo's barking. However Milo's constant barking at deer, the mail person driving by or the UPS truck is pretty annoying to me. Morgan loves to ring our door bell when we come home and listen to Milo barking. Morgan thinks its funny.

Mark had Milo as a pet before we got together. Milo is a wheaten terrier. Not my first choice in dogs. Greyhounds are my kind of dog. Well actually I am a cat lover, but Morgan seems to love dogs.

Well dogs and cats isn't what I wanted to talk about anyway. After reading the article about people who blog I thought, "Gee maybe I need a bigger intention." Well I could write a book. Call it "Don't wear mascara if you might cry today, because it stings your eyes." Crying is supposed to be healing but when I cry my eyes sting so badly from the mascara I don't really find it very healing. I also like to wear sun glasses when I am crying. In public that is. I also don't like to cry in public. Or in movie theaters. Any time some ones dad dies in a movie I cry. I wonder now that my mom has transitioned will I cry when someone's mom passes in a movie too?

I hope not. Why is death not always a joyous thing? Yea! That person just died and went on to a better living experience. I am trying to make my moms transition into a joyous thing for me. It is just adjusting to a new way of life for me. Although I can't call her on the phone like I used to, sit and talk with her in person like I used to or watch Morgan climbing on her exercise bike like I used to. Is that really such a terrible thing?

Change. Its all about the fear of change. Wanting something to stay the same way forever. The Law as it is written in Teachings Of The Buddha: All things are impermanent. What is the answer? Love is the answer. Keeping the love alive in my heart keeps my mom alive. Love. Love. Love.

March 21

Making Brownies

Is it possible? When I went to the place that hosts my site gaelencooper.com, I saw that 78 people visit each day? According to the Blogging Marin article there are at least 8 million Americans that have created a blog. Wow.

Morgan is watching Scooby Doo Where Are You? So I have a few minutes to write.
I keep hearing the song in the background and remember watching Scooby Doo as a kid. Some things never change.

There is pre-school story time today at the library. Currently I am doing the 3rd load of laundry while I write. Morgan can be a fuss getting into the car to go any where in the afternoon. She is sleepy and wont take a nap. She then becomes a fussy 3 year old. A fussy 3 tear old gives me a massive headache. We also need to stop at the market. I could tell her we will get her a muffin. Of course she will want a chocolate chip muffin.

I had a weird dream last night. All day I've been thinking about it. Should I e-mail the person who was in the dream with me?

Well after finishing that sentence Morgan called me to come and lay on the couch with her. Happy to agree to rest with her I laid down on the couch. We decided to make brownies which was fine with me, the sweet tooth I am. They are whole wheat which I feel is better than flour.

We never got to the library but we did get to the market. Morgan saw the cheetos by the milk and was shouting CHEETOS! So of course since I love to spoil her and feel bad about it later I got them for her.

Morgan is in her room painting which is so cute. I hope my mom is watching her. I thought I would be able to write today and not mention my mom. I continue thinking about my dream last night but I am also thinking about my mom all the time.

Well I "Gotta Blast" as Jimmy Neutron would say.

P.S. It feels good that it is the first day of Spring.

March 21

Monday, March 20, 2006

Lonely

Well our trip to Aunt Carrie's went well. Morgan and her cousin Tyler were talking about Nana being in Heaven. Morgan said, "Nana is picking berries" Children speak the truth, so I was happy to hear my mom was picking berries.

Of course it was weird not having to go in my mom's room to spend time with her. Not having the TV on all night. Not hearing the noise of the oxygen machine buzzing 24/7. It was lonely.

I read something in Teachings of the Buddha that today I am drawn to.
The Way is beyond language, for in it there is
no yesterday
no tomorrow
no today.

March 19

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Play happily with my toys

Its been a weird couple of days. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I feel weepy.
Mark bought me a blue tooth phone that enables you to talk on the phone in the Lexus. Without holding your mobile phone if that makes any sense. Mark called on the phone in the car and Morgan and I were talking to him. We hung up and Morgan wanted to call someone else. She wanted to call Nana. I wasn't feeling like telling her that Nana was in heaven with Newton our old cat. I just said "Nana is having a busy day and can't talk on the phone."

Today I decided to say something to Morgan about Nana, since we are going there tomorrow. I said "Morgan, Nana will not be at Aunt Carrie's. Nana went to heaven with Newton. Do you understand what Mommy is saying?." Morgan answered "Yes" and she kept on playing with her toys.

Being 3 is great. Why can't I just accept that my mom is gone and play happily with my toys?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

I am so surprised

I am in shock. My mom passed away this morning. Carrie called me at 7AM and I didn't get up to get the phone. Mark was gone at 5:30AM to work in Burlingame. After laying in the bed with Morgan who got up at 6:30 for her bottle. It occurred to me "Who would call at 7AM on a Saturday morning?" So I got up and listened to the messages. It was Carrie who left a message to say mom had passed.

I am so surprised. I just spoke to my mom yesterday and she sounded fine. Well she said, "The nurse is here to fix me up." She thought the hospice worker was a nurse. I do not quite remember what Carrie said about my mom passing this morning. I do remember crying.

I thought, "Who should I call?" I called my friend Katie who lives in the mid west and I knew she would be awake. I had just sent an e-mail to her to say my mom wasn't gone yet and I would be very surprised if she left this month. I am just very surprised she left this morning.

I have a headache. I called my sister Colleen and we laughed a little about my mom. She and I both felt better. Mark came home from work and he is sort of sleeping, holding Morgan on the couch while she watches a cartoon on the Disney channel.

Did I say I have a headache? I called Rev. Karyl for a prayer this morning. That helped.

Morgan could see I was upset so she got her ukulele out and sang me the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Her little 3 year old voice is so sweet.

I knew my mom's passing was coming. I have blogged about it but I am surprised.
Why? I don't know. I had warning. I am surprised that an entire life could leave this plane so fast. I am sad.

March 11th

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Windy Day

Yes, I am sitting here when I should either take a nap or unload the dish washer and then load the dish washer back up.

Morgan has her gymnastics class today so I don't have to pick her up until 4:00PM. So I do have a little extra time.

The wind is blowing outside and it looks cold out there. Of course that is just my thought about wind blowing and it being cold outside if the wind is blowing. Well it does sound windy too. Which doesn't mean it is cold but...

Thinking does make it so to the mind.

I had to get my blood tested today. I don't really like having my blood tested. I don't like being poked with needles. The blood taker person constantly says, "Just breathe normally" which I think I am doing but I guess I'm not.

It looks like I should bring a scarf and some gloves today. I am so glad I don't live in a place that snows. I just do not like being cold. I will say a thank you to Mark for buying me my car. The seats warm up so I feel warm when driving. It is cozy. I wish there was a way to warm up Morgan's car seat, other than turning on the heater. I ask her, "Do you feel the heater?" She says, "Yes I do" but then I am hot from my seat heater. Is there no medium? I guess like life there is no middle ground sometimes.

March 9th

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Its all true

I'm sitting here in the office typing in the pouring rain. Pouring rain isn't a good sleeping buddy for me. The tap, tap, tap on the roof doesn't lull me to sleep. Sara our cat coming in from the rain crying to be dried off doesn't help either.

So, I will write. About what I don't know yet. The story about how gaelen.com sold for $10,000.00 is always a good story to tell. I spoke about that story at the center today. A few people came up to me after the service to say "Wow! What a great story." The good thing about that story is it's all true. The other good thing about that story is it's an example how Spirit is always working for you. Spirit/God/Mother/Father always provides.

In this case the way Spirit provided for me was to my liking. In truth the way Spirit provides isn't always, at first to my liking. I guess there has to be some space to step back and see the bigger picture. Making the time for solitude.

Life is good for me right now. I love doing my blog. Morgan at 3 years old gets in her car seat without a tantrum. I have a small amount of time to call my mom to check in with her. I love my friends. I am looking forward to the new pictures of Morgan on the site. I love my man and I am looking forward to seeing him come home from Santa Barbara tonight. I am grateful. Thats it I am grateful. If you have time click on gratefulness.org on bottom of the contact us page. Read, light a candle, or go to features where I am going right now.

March 5th

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Rain?

On Feb. 11th I wrote under the transition blog that I was called for jury duty.
Morgan and I showed up for jury duty yesterday, Feb. 28th. The woman working at the desk said "If you are a full-time parent just sign where it says "other" on the form. Write that you are a full-time parent, your child's date of birth and you can leave." Yea!! Morgan and I then went to the cafeteria across the way from the jury duty room and ate breakfast. It sure does feel good when what I want to happen, is the thing the thing that is happening.

As Morgan and I were leaving the civic center Morgan wanted to go to the zoo. I was not up for going to the zoo. I thought it might rain. I didn't want to go to the park either. I thought all the park things would be wet. I wanted to go to the market. We needed eggs. Just earlier at the cafeteria Morgan ate my egg whites and I knew we didn't have any eggs at home to make for her. I wanted to go to the market! We arrived at the market and Morgan really did not want to be there. Morgan said "Go back to your seat. Lets go to the zoo." No amount to pleading was changing her mind. I really don't like it when she cries, the noise just bugs. The feeling of not being able to fix it bugs.

Well "What is the crime of going to the park?" Just because I was worried about the rain from the other day on the swings, slides, etc. Does that make it something we shouldn't do? The sun was out. I didn't have to listen to the gloom and doom of the news anyway. So we went to the park. Morgan walked up the slide and I looked down and there was water pooled up at the bottom of it. I said, "Morgan, lets not go down. I don't want your bottom getting wet." Just then another mom at the park said "I have a towel." So, I wiped up the bottom of the slide. Was that all I was worrying about? Some water on Morgan's butt? I put a towel in the trunk of the car when Morgan and I got home. I was grateful to that mom who had a towel, now I will have a towel to clean the water from the slide and swings too.

It sure is funny what I worry about. I had been distracted by fear. Fear is a limiting factor. I release fear from my thoughts. Now free, I am able to see more clearly and accept all the good that the universe offers."

March 1st