I like the weekends when Mark spends time with Morgan and I. Yesterday we went to the Height and had lunch at Cha Cha Cha. Morgan was great and stayed at the table, instead of getting up and moving around. Today has started out calm and relaxing. Sundays are great. Semi-Spiritual. Well at least sort of Spiritual.
I hear Morgan laughing at Mark in our bedroom. I love the sound of her laughing. It is so sweet. It softens my heart and uplifts my energy. Laughing is definitely healing. When I am upset and cranky I would like to remember to think of something funny to laugh about. That is my intention today. To remember the funny things in life and let anything that comes up as annoying just float away.
Later today we are going to look for the tempur-pedic pillows. Pillows are funny. If I can't get my pillow comfortable, I have a night of uncomfortale sleeping. I have been thinking about sleeping a lot latley. There is a song that I like by the Googoo Dolls. "I want to wake up where you are." I think that is when I knew that I had to be with Mark. I couldn't bear to sleep away from him.
May 28th
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I can do that...
I sit here today and think what should I write? What is up for me? Well the phone just rang and I looked to see who was calling. A weird number came up and I thought I don't want to talk to some sales person or other odd caller. I just didn't answer it.
Sometimes I hear Spirit calling and I just don't want to answer it. I see myself as a creative person yet I don't feel up to taking the invitation from Spirit. Why?
Who knows. Sitting here I think Spirit is calling. Spirit is calling. Thinking about my mom I realize here on planet earth you are limited in the time you get. Has Spirit ever led me in the wrong direction? No. Has Spirit led me to a safe place? Yes.
Ok I will listen to the invitation. I will relax my mind. Stay away from being judgmental. Smile. Feel the warm sun. Listen to the birds singing. Take a deep breath and another deep breath. Believe that all is well, regardless of what stuff looks like. I think I can do that. I can do that. Thank you Spirit.
Sometimes I hear Spirit calling and I just don't want to answer it. I see myself as a creative person yet I don't feel up to taking the invitation from Spirit. Why?
Who knows. Sitting here I think Spirit is calling. Spirit is calling. Thinking about my mom I realize here on planet earth you are limited in the time you get. Has Spirit ever led me in the wrong direction? No. Has Spirit led me to a safe place? Yes.
Ok I will listen to the invitation. I will relax my mind. Stay away from being judgmental. Smile. Feel the warm sun. Listen to the birds singing. Take a deep breath and another deep breath. Believe that all is well, regardless of what stuff looks like. I think I can do that. I can do that. Thank you Spirit.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
BIG words
Today I showed Morgan's teacher, Laurin the year end family card that Mark was working on. She loved it. I kept thinking I would send it to my mom before I remembered she was dead. Some things are a bummer. This is definitely one of them.
Today I purchased a dictionary! A big random house webster's college dictionary. I sure was dumbstruck when I saw it was just 5.99. Oh big word. There are lots of words I have used that I see in here. Drunk'Tank' a large jail cell where persons arrested for alcoholic or drug related behavior are detained. Most of my sisters friends would sleep over in the hall way. We would call that place the drunk tank. Circa 1983.
I think I might have something to say about most of the words in the dictionary. I wonder if Mark would frown at me if I just sat here and read it. Wow there are bad words in this dictionary. I don't want to type any in here though.
I have dishes from dinner on the table and I hear Morgan screaming in the tub as Mark washes her hair. Time to go.
May 10th
Today I purchased a dictionary! A big random house webster's college dictionary. I sure was dumbstruck when I saw it was just 5.99. Oh big word. There are lots of words I have used that I see in here. Drunk'Tank' a large jail cell where persons arrested for alcoholic or drug related behavior are detained. Most of my sisters friends would sleep over in the hall way. We would call that place the drunk tank. Circa 1983.
I think I might have something to say about most of the words in the dictionary. I wonder if Mark would frown at me if I just sat here and read it. Wow there are bad words in this dictionary. I don't want to type any in here though.
I have dishes from dinner on the table and I hear Morgan screaming in the tub as Mark washes her hair. Time to go.
May 10th
Monday, May 08, 2006
Wild Parrots
I sit here watching Mark work on the card for Morgan's pre-primary teacher. She wants to send them to the parents at the end of the year. We need 10 more hours to fill our 25 volunteer hours. Mostly what I'm doing is saying, "Move that one closer" or "Make that one bigger." I don't think I am helping.
This weekend Mark took us to the city. His ploy was, "Lets go see the wild parrots." It sounded fun. What he didn't say was, "There is a flight of stairs to see the wild parrots. Ninety of them." The first ninety weren't so bad. It was the next 100 to go up to the Coit tower that was a stretch. Morgan got to ride piggy back on Marks shoulders. Where was my piggy back ride?
I don't remember ever getting a piggy back ride from anyone. This makes me sad. I must have had a piggy back ride. Didn't I? Anyway, I saw one wild parrot. Green with a red head. Morgan and Mark being ahead of me might have seen 2 or 3. Morgan was calling back to me, "You can make it mom." What so bad about being 25 feet behind them? Ok, maybe just 15 feet behind them. Overall it was an exciting adventure. At least coming down the stairs it was just 10 minutes.
May 7th
This weekend Mark took us to the city. His ploy was, "Lets go see the wild parrots." It sounded fun. What he didn't say was, "There is a flight of stairs to see the wild parrots. Ninety of them." The first ninety weren't so bad. It was the next 100 to go up to the Coit tower that was a stretch. Morgan got to ride piggy back on Marks shoulders. Where was my piggy back ride?
I don't remember ever getting a piggy back ride from anyone. This makes me sad. I must have had a piggy back ride. Didn't I? Anyway, I saw one wild parrot. Green with a red head. Morgan and Mark being ahead of me might have seen 2 or 3. Morgan was calling back to me, "You can make it mom." What so bad about being 25 feet behind them? Ok, maybe just 15 feet behind them. Overall it was an exciting adventure. At least coming down the stairs it was just 10 minutes.
May 7th
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
20+ years
Well I'm back from the burial and memorial. The east coast was great. I feel so alive. To see people you love and haven't seen in 20+ years feels great. To have left Morgan with Mark for 5 days feels almost better than great. What a big relief.
At the cemetery my grandmothers Donahue family plot was just a few hundred feet from my moms Ford family plot. We buried my grandmother first and then went to my moms. It was weird being at the cemetery, I haven't been there since I was 5.
I read from the book The Prophet by Khalif Gibran at my grandmothers grave site. Then everyone got in their cars and drove to my moms site. It was creepy seeing my mom's urn sitting on a table set on astro turf. This time I read Psalm 39 from the bible. I was doing fine until I looked at Colleen and Carrie. I just started to weep. Well not really weep but cry. A man stepped forward to hug me, then I sobbed. I kept thinking my mom's childhood friend is hugging me. I am weeping even now.
I wanted to back to my mom's grave the next day to see if they put the urn in the ground and covered her up. That was Thursday.
Saturday came quick enough. I slept 2 hours the night before thinking about the reading I was doing in the church. I just wasn't sure I could do it after sobbing in the cemetery. My cousin Kevin was doing the first reading and he promised me he would sit where the alter boys sit incase I was crying. Being in the church was nothing like being at the cemetery. The feeling was up lifting and it was great to see all the smiling faces. The reading went super. When I got back to the pew I heard my step brother say, "Group Hug" and just couldn't stop laughing.
After the service there were 65 people at the reception. I am surprised. I thought maybe 25 at the most. I was exhausted after 2 hours and went to sleep in the rental car for half an hour. That was a good power nap. I said good bye to everyone with a rested smile on my face.
Now at home I miss my Aunt Rosemary, Colleen, Carrie, Mary Pat and Marie. The luncheon, dinner, shopping and good times crew. I have a greater awareness of dying and thankfulness for the grace in my life.
April 2nd
At the cemetery my grandmothers Donahue family plot was just a few hundred feet from my moms Ford family plot. We buried my grandmother first and then went to my moms. It was weird being at the cemetery, I haven't been there since I was 5.
I read from the book The Prophet by Khalif Gibran at my grandmothers grave site. Then everyone got in their cars and drove to my moms site. It was creepy seeing my mom's urn sitting on a table set on astro turf. This time I read Psalm 39 from the bible. I was doing fine until I looked at Colleen and Carrie. I just started to weep. Well not really weep but cry. A man stepped forward to hug me, then I sobbed. I kept thinking my mom's childhood friend is hugging me. I am weeping even now.
I wanted to back to my mom's grave the next day to see if they put the urn in the ground and covered her up. That was Thursday.
Saturday came quick enough. I slept 2 hours the night before thinking about the reading I was doing in the church. I just wasn't sure I could do it after sobbing in the cemetery. My cousin Kevin was doing the first reading and he promised me he would sit where the alter boys sit incase I was crying. Being in the church was nothing like being at the cemetery. The feeling was up lifting and it was great to see all the smiling faces. The reading went super. When I got back to the pew I heard my step brother say, "Group Hug" and just couldn't stop laughing.
After the service there were 65 people at the reception. I am surprised. I thought maybe 25 at the most. I was exhausted after 2 hours and went to sleep in the rental car for half an hour. That was a good power nap. I said good bye to everyone with a rested smile on my face.
Now at home I miss my Aunt Rosemary, Colleen, Carrie, Mary Pat and Marie. The luncheon, dinner, shopping and good times crew. I have a greater awareness of dying and thankfulness for the grace in my life.
April 2nd
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