Mark and Morgan are watching Monsters Inc. I snuck away as it is my 50th time watching Monsters Inc. and Morgan and I just watched it Wednesday night. It is nice for them to have father daughter time without me hanging out.
Fathers and daughters. My dad and I went to the movie 10 with BO Darek. It was a big movie in 1979. In the movie I remember thinking, "Why is her hair in braids?" and "Does my dad like her?" I remember being so embarrassed but now typing this I can't recall why.
My dad took me out to breakfast when I was dumped by my first boyfriend. I didn't really talk to my dad about boyfriends. The morning after I was dumped I remember feeling so sad. I wish I could remember what my dad said to me that morning.
I just remember being with him. For me it was so great being with my dad. Even if I don't remember what he said to me. He would call me kid-do and I would smile.
I love when Mark calls Morgan Kid-do. Mark is a great Dad. Its funny but Mark reminds me of my dad. I used to say, "I would never marry my dad" and I did of course.
Feb. 25
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Curious George
I just can't believe that Morgan is asleep at 8:00PM and I'm sitting here typing. I didn't really think about what I was going to write today. Not that I plan it out anyway. Well sometimes I do.
Curious George. Is it ok to cry in a children's movie?
I thought it was so great when they realized they were carrying the map around with them the whole time. They just needed to look at it in a different way.
Life sure is like that for me sometimes. The answer I need is right with me but I don't seem to see it. It happens to me with Morgan. This morning Morgan really wanted my attention. I was trying to talk with my own mom on the phone at the time. I hung up the phone. I just stood there and thought, "What is it that I am missing?" I saw these boxes in the kitchen that we had bought on Tuesday at IKEA. I asked Morgan to help me build them. I handed her the finished one and told her to put her smaller toys in it. This took Morgan about an 10 minutes to fill it up. She then took it around the house to try and hide it, go into our room and scare our cat Sara out of the there and put it under the pillows for Mark to find. That was an hour that all I had to do was watch her. Not entertain her. Just appreciate what she was doing. How creative. If I hadn't stopped long enough to look around me I would not have thought of even building one box. I built the other 3 boxes and we cleaned up the toys on the floor of her room. We found a good place to put the boxes and the room was clean all day. When we originally bought the boxes at IKEA that was not what I planned for them. Sometimes the universe has a better plan for you, when you take the time to listen.
Feb. 23
Curious George. Is it ok to cry in a children's movie?
I thought it was so great when they realized they were carrying the map around with them the whole time. They just needed to look at it in a different way.
Life sure is like that for me sometimes. The answer I need is right with me but I don't seem to see it. It happens to me with Morgan. This morning Morgan really wanted my attention. I was trying to talk with my own mom on the phone at the time. I hung up the phone. I just stood there and thought, "What is it that I am missing?" I saw these boxes in the kitchen that we had bought on Tuesday at IKEA. I asked Morgan to help me build them. I handed her the finished one and told her to put her smaller toys in it. This took Morgan about an 10 minutes to fill it up. She then took it around the house to try and hide it, go into our room and scare our cat Sara out of the there and put it under the pillows for Mark to find. That was an hour that all I had to do was watch her. Not entertain her. Just appreciate what she was doing. How creative. If I hadn't stopped long enough to look around me I would not have thought of even building one box. I built the other 3 boxes and we cleaned up the toys on the floor of her room. We found a good place to put the boxes and the room was clean all day. When we originally bought the boxes at IKEA that was not what I planned for them. Sometimes the universe has a better plan for you, when you take the time to listen.
Feb. 23
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
23 and in love
Its 5:50PM. I hear the Winnie The Pooh playing on video cassette.
I am thinking maybe I can whip out this blog in a few minutes. Mark told me, "Why don't you talk about how much you love your family." "Well, it's my blog and I will blog what I want to blog about." I said.
Winnie The Pooh plays on. The song is about what you covet. The Heffulumps and Woozles will love it. Sometimes life is like that. The more you want something the sooner you find it leaving. I'm sure there is something Science of Mind to say about it that. I can't remember it right now.
Its 7PM. I had to stop and make the pasta for dinner. Morgan loves it with just a small amount of olive oil and parmesan cheese. Mark and I had our pasta with red sauce. I really do love my family, although I told Mark "I would blog what I want to blog about." Morgan at 3 is so great. She is never ending. Talking about trees and mountains or tunnels and bridges. I was thinking about Mark when we were laying in bed this morning. I am amazed that this year it will be 18 years since we first met. There is something magical about that. I like to talk about our story. I like to remind myself of being 23 and in love. The kind of love that doesn't care about the laundry not being folded, or watching a movie till 3AM. No judgment. Vanilla. A beautiful smile.
I smile at Mark today. I rejoice in the now. I forgive myself for the things aren't like the vanilla of the past and I think of how lucky I am today.
Feb. 21
I am thinking maybe I can whip out this blog in a few minutes. Mark told me, "Why don't you talk about how much you love your family." "Well, it's my blog and I will blog what I want to blog about." I said.
Winnie The Pooh plays on. The song is about what you covet. The Heffulumps and Woozles will love it. Sometimes life is like that. The more you want something the sooner you find it leaving. I'm sure there is something Science of Mind to say about it that. I can't remember it right now.
Its 7PM. I had to stop and make the pasta for dinner. Morgan loves it with just a small amount of olive oil and parmesan cheese. Mark and I had our pasta with red sauce. I really do love my family, although I told Mark "I would blog what I want to blog about." Morgan at 3 is so great. She is never ending. Talking about trees and mountains or tunnels and bridges. I was thinking about Mark when we were laying in bed this morning. I am amazed that this year it will be 18 years since we first met. There is something magical about that. I like to talk about our story. I like to remind myself of being 23 and in love. The kind of love that doesn't care about the laundry not being folded, or watching a movie till 3AM. No judgment. Vanilla. A beautiful smile.
I smile at Mark today. I rejoice in the now. I forgive myself for the things aren't like the vanilla of the past and I think of how lucky I am today.
Feb. 21
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Remembering to Slow Down
What did I do for myself today?
Well at 6:50AM I heard Morgan and got up to get her the bottle. I then went back to bed. I stayed in bed until noon. I could hear Morgan and Claire fighting and Mark asking them if they wanted pancakes. My mind wandered into thinking mode and I thought "I should get up and make the kids some breakfast." I remembered I didn't have to fix what was going on. Mark could handle his daughters. I didn't need to go into the living room and say, "Claire hold your own jacket and stop trying to get 3 year old Morgan to hold it for you."
I have to say I am proud of myself. Remembering I don't need to say anything is powerful. Some weekends with my step daughter is draining. She is a good kid mostly but hearing, "Why did Morgan get .... first?." Gets on my last nerve. Is it possible to have a last nerve? Anyway, I went to Whole Foods and purchased the Rejuvenating Mask by Dr. Hauschka. I really like the Dr. Hauschka products. They use a holistic approach that encourages and supports the health of the skin. When I was at Whole Foods I did buy a chicken to make for dinner tonight. Well it was great having a holiday today. Mark and the kids didn't come home until 3:00PM. No one wanted the sweet potato fries that I had made. Well, Claire did have one. I ate the rest, offered Mark three fries and was happy.
Sometimes remembering to slow down for yourself is a good thing.
Feb 19th
Well at 6:50AM I heard Morgan and got up to get her the bottle. I then went back to bed. I stayed in bed until noon. I could hear Morgan and Claire fighting and Mark asking them if they wanted pancakes. My mind wandered into thinking mode and I thought "I should get up and make the kids some breakfast." I remembered I didn't have to fix what was going on. Mark could handle his daughters. I didn't need to go into the living room and say, "Claire hold your own jacket and stop trying to get 3 year old Morgan to hold it for you."
I have to say I am proud of myself. Remembering I don't need to say anything is powerful. Some weekends with my step daughter is draining. She is a good kid mostly but hearing, "Why did Morgan get .... first?." Gets on my last nerve. Is it possible to have a last nerve? Anyway, I went to Whole Foods and purchased the Rejuvenating Mask by Dr. Hauschka. I really like the Dr. Hauschka products. They use a holistic approach that encourages and supports the health of the skin. When I was at Whole Foods I did buy a chicken to make for dinner tonight. Well it was great having a holiday today. Mark and the kids didn't come home until 3:00PM. No one wanted the sweet potato fries that I had made. Well, Claire did have one. I ate the rest, offered Mark three fries and was happy.
Sometimes remembering to slow down for yourself is a good thing.
Feb 19th
Friday, February 17, 2006
I can be what I will to be
I have been watching the olympics. Sometimes. The other night the short track skater Apollo Ohno was talking about how he fell on Sunday. The commentator asked him how he was feeling on the ice. He answered the question by saying "You have to rid your mind of the demons".
Funny he should say that, as I have been doing the exact same thing the last couple of days.
Ridding the mind of sorrow, unhappiness, dis-ease, negativity. These things are not necessities and need to go. A little mental house cleaning. In the book The Master Key System the affirmation is "I can be what I will to be."
Knowing, I can be what I will to be puts a smile on my face. It raises me up to my intention. I just sincerely repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.
I can be what I will to be.
Feb. 17th
Funny he should say that, as I have been doing the exact same thing the last couple of days.
Ridding the mind of sorrow, unhappiness, dis-ease, negativity. These things are not necessities and need to go. A little mental house cleaning. In the book The Master Key System the affirmation is "I can be what I will to be."
Knowing, I can be what I will to be puts a smile on my face. It raises me up to my intention. I just sincerely repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.
I can be what I will to be.
Feb. 17th
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Thinking of...
Today is Valentines Day. I am unsure if today is a good day or not. I'm not sure if I should even think about it in forms of good or not. I suppose it is, what it is.
Thoughts.
Running thru my mind today I have had many thoughts. Many of these thoughts made me feel: angry, sad, happy, filled with love, filled with.........(fill in the blank on your own.) For me it is stopping these thoughts running thru my mind before I find that I am mad, upset, happy thats bothering me.
On the back of my business card I have the Shakespeare quote, "Thinking makes it so." Yes, I believe thinking does make it so. Its all in the thinking.
Its where are your thoughts taking you? That is the question.
So when I find myself angry, sad, unhappy, etc. What am I to do? Meditate? Sometimes but not always. I find with Morgan jumping up and down meditation is not always that easy.
I remember a long time ago in the 80's. It was in the summer, when I would watch my sister Carrie.
We would have quiet time. Just sit on the living room floor and be quiet. Not a race of who was the quietest. It was just sitting or laying on the carpet and not saying anything.
There was never "Ok lets be quiet for 10 minutes" at least I don't remember it being that way.
I guess I would have to ask Carrie. But since this blog is all about me, I don't remember it being that way.
It was a time of relaxation. Thinking about it, maybe it was just a time to love yourself.
I hear the wind howling outside my window. I think, yes thats it. A time to love yourself. A time to say, "I don't do everything perfectly, on time or to the best of my ability thats ok, I love myself anyway."
So on Valentines Day I end this blog thinking the most important person to love is not Mark, Morgan or my Mom. Its Me.
Feb. 14th
Thoughts.
Running thru my mind today I have had many thoughts. Many of these thoughts made me feel: angry, sad, happy, filled with love, filled with.........(fill in the blank on your own.) For me it is stopping these thoughts running thru my mind before I find that I am mad, upset, happy thats bothering me.
On the back of my business card I have the Shakespeare quote, "Thinking makes it so." Yes, I believe thinking does make it so. Its all in the thinking.
Its where are your thoughts taking you? That is the question.
So when I find myself angry, sad, unhappy, etc. What am I to do? Meditate? Sometimes but not always. I find with Morgan jumping up and down meditation is not always that easy.
I remember a long time ago in the 80's. It was in the summer, when I would watch my sister Carrie.
We would have quiet time. Just sit on the living room floor and be quiet. Not a race of who was the quietest. It was just sitting or laying on the carpet and not saying anything.
There was never "Ok lets be quiet for 10 minutes" at least I don't remember it being that way.
I guess I would have to ask Carrie. But since this blog is all about me, I don't remember it being that way.
It was a time of relaxation. Thinking about it, maybe it was just a time to love yourself.
I hear the wind howling outside my window. I think, yes thats it. A time to love yourself. A time to say, "I don't do everything perfectly, on time or to the best of my ability thats ok, I love myself anyway."
So on Valentines Day I end this blog thinking the most important person to love is not Mark, Morgan or my Mom. Its Me.
Feb. 14th
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Faith
Today is lets pay our bills day. I sit here while Mark prints out the checks. I fold them up and put them into the various envelopes. Ugh.
Morgan had a cold today and I worry about going to see my mom yesterday. Don't want to have the feeling that we gave her the cold that killed her.
Its now 8:00PM and Morgan fell asleep at 6:00PM watching a Wiggles dvd. The Wiggles are a weird crowd. Claire said, "Why are they holding instruments and not playing them?" Well Claire lots of time in the world people are holding onto things they don't need but they can't let them go either.
A good reminder to me to look at what am I holding onto that I can't let go of? Stress, guilt, worry, feeling the need to constantly do something. Read, blog, dust, wash the dishes, do the laundry...
Faith is what I need today. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Charles Haanel.
Feb. 12th
Morgan had a cold today and I worry about going to see my mom yesterday. Don't want to have the feeling that we gave her the cold that killed her.
Its now 8:00PM and Morgan fell asleep at 6:00PM watching a Wiggles dvd. The Wiggles are a weird crowd. Claire said, "Why are they holding instruments and not playing them?" Well Claire lots of time in the world people are holding onto things they don't need but they can't let them go either.
A good reminder to me to look at what am I holding onto that I can't let go of? Stress, guilt, worry, feeling the need to constantly do something. Read, blog, dust, wash the dishes, do the laundry...
Faith is what I need today. "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen." Charles Haanel.
Feb. 12th
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Porcupine
Morgan and I made it to my sisters, Carrie's to see my mom.
I brought my mom a silhouette of Morgan I had made at Disneyland. You know that place on Main Street that has this woman who has been there 40 years and cuts the black paper? She did a great job on Morgan who sat in my lap and held really still. My mom really liked it. She told me to make copies of it to mail to all my friends. I told her it was our special thing and only she and I would have one.
After this is when she said to me "When I croak what do you want besides the light?" she didn't mean THE LIGHT she meant a lamp that was her mom's. I really didn't know what to say as I have never really thought about it. I told her I wanted the Swarovski crystal porcupine that was my Dad's second wife's. How my mom even ended up with it is a mystery to me. I remember Gloria bringing it home from a cruise she went on after my dad made his transition. Morgan likes the porcupine though. As prickly and dangerous as it looks. I then told her the bracelet I bought her in Ireland and the chinese man I bought her at cost plus. She said fine.
What do you say to something like "What do you want when I croak? I guess what I wanted to say is "Can you use a better word other than croak?"
Carrie later made fun of me about wanting the porcupine. Sisters.
It really wasn't hard leaving my mom. I thought it would be, you know tears and everything. It wasn't like that thought. I feel like crying now.
We made it home in 2 hours and I was even able to re-start Emperors New Groove in the car using the remote, which was good because I didn't want to get off the fwy. Morgan didn't mind re-watching it so the two of us were happy.
Mark is telling me the Olympics are on and I told him I watched it at Carrie's.
My hands still smell like the soap I used at Carrie's which smells really bad so I am going to wash my hands and go to sleep.
Feb.11th
I brought my mom a silhouette of Morgan I had made at Disneyland. You know that place on Main Street that has this woman who has been there 40 years and cuts the black paper? She did a great job on Morgan who sat in my lap and held really still. My mom really liked it. She told me to make copies of it to mail to all my friends. I told her it was our special thing and only she and I would have one.
After this is when she said to me "When I croak what do you want besides the light?" she didn't mean THE LIGHT she meant a lamp that was her mom's. I really didn't know what to say as I have never really thought about it. I told her I wanted the Swarovski crystal porcupine that was my Dad's second wife's. How my mom even ended up with it is a mystery to me. I remember Gloria bringing it home from a cruise she went on after my dad made his transition. Morgan likes the porcupine though. As prickly and dangerous as it looks. I then told her the bracelet I bought her in Ireland and the chinese man I bought her at cost plus. She said fine.
What do you say to something like "What do you want when I croak? I guess what I wanted to say is "Can you use a better word other than croak?"
Carrie later made fun of me about wanting the porcupine. Sisters.
It really wasn't hard leaving my mom. I thought it would be, you know tears and everything. It wasn't like that thought. I feel like crying now.
We made it home in 2 hours and I was even able to re-start Emperors New Groove in the car using the remote, which was good because I didn't want to get off the fwy. Morgan didn't mind re-watching it so the two of us were happy.
Mark is telling me the Olympics are on and I told him I watched it at Carrie's.
My hands still smell like the soap I used at Carrie's which smells really bad so I am going to wash my hands and go to sleep.
Feb.11th
Transition
I have a few minutes to type this as Mark reads Morgan her bed time books. He speeds through them which is something I don't really like. Tomorrow Mark is working so Morgan and I will drive 2 hours to see my Mom. She sounded better when I spoke with her today, she ate 1 piece of toast which is the most she has eaten all week.
Ugh. I was called for jury duty today. I will tell them I refuse to pass judgment on another person. I think that will get me out of being selected as a juror. At least that's what my friend Joyce says that she did. Its true anyway I don't want to pass judgment on any one else anyway.
Morgan slept thru the night last night so I am feeling well rested. Sometimes the 2 hour drive wears me out. I am glad we have the DVD player in the car so she can watch a movie. I get so sad around my Mom and find myself emotionally worn out too. Transition shouldn't be a scary thing, but to me it is. I am glad I know I am an eternal being. I don't like change sometimes.
I received the Cobra information in the mail along with the jury duty thing. The insurance will cost 885.00 a month for Morgan and I. I can't stand how in America we treat our people so horribly health wise. Where are our free doctors? Thats 10,620.00 a year. I don't even want to write about it anymore. I think that is how much Morgan's Montessori school costs.
I feel this is a strange, strange world. Time for me to cut up a pear for Morgan.
Feb 11
Ugh. I was called for jury duty today. I will tell them I refuse to pass judgment on another person. I think that will get me out of being selected as a juror. At least that's what my friend Joyce says that she did. Its true anyway I don't want to pass judgment on any one else anyway.
Morgan slept thru the night last night so I am feeling well rested. Sometimes the 2 hour drive wears me out. I am glad we have the DVD player in the car so she can watch a movie. I get so sad around my Mom and find myself emotionally worn out too. Transition shouldn't be a scary thing, but to me it is. I am glad I know I am an eternal being. I don't like change sometimes.
I received the Cobra information in the mail along with the jury duty thing. The insurance will cost 885.00 a month for Morgan and I. I can't stand how in America we treat our people so horribly health wise. Where are our free doctors? Thats 10,620.00 a year. I don't even want to write about it anymore. I think that is how much Morgan's Montessori school costs.
I feel this is a strange, strange world. Time for me to cut up a pear for Morgan.
Feb 11
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Disneyland
Just now as I left Morgan's room I heard her snoring, I thought of something. I think its Mark's snoring that is waking me up in the middle of the night to hear the Universal Energy. I remember telling him last night, "Nonie No! Turn over on your side"
I say Nonie No to Morgan when I want her to stop climbing on the couch, kicking the back of my car seat, anything else I have voted as something giving me a head ache.
Yesterday I had a dream of mine come true as Mark, Morgan and I went to Disneyland! Morgan is just the perfect age as she loved anything we went on.
After taking her to Fantasy Land for the proper trip around the Carousel, the Peter Pan ride and Dumbo (which I couldn't take her on for fear of throwing up.) We went to the Jungle Boat Cruise which she loved, the Pirates of the Caribbean and the Tarzan Tree-house. This was called the Swiss Family Robinson Tree-house when I was a kid.
I was reminded that It's A Small World boat ride is good for getting out of the sun but the music hasn't changed so its sort of a headache maker. Luckily I already had a headache so it really didn't matter and it was nothing that 4 extra strength Tylenol couldn't fix.
Not feeling like walking over to Toon Town to find Mini and Mickey we went down to where Pooh lives and saw Pooh, Eyeore and Tigger which was just fine by Morgan.
Sort of disgusted to see the stand that sells Mc Donald french fries I ate up my sugar laden churro and let it drift out of my mind.
Overall a great day.
Upon leaving we bought Morgan this Buzz Light-year gun-ish kind of toy that was really loud which of course she loved and shot at all the teens sitting next to us on the tram on the way to the parking lot. This went on for 10 minutes before I told her "That's enough or the battery comes out" Smart enough to know it wouldn't work if the battery was gone she stopped for another 10 minutes.
The picture on the front page of this Blog is Morgan as I received an e-mail today from a friend who said, "I thought the picture of you was Morgan with long hair! It is crazy how much she looks like you!" It is crazy because that is Morgan and she does look like me. Well sort of.
I say Nonie No to Morgan when I want her to stop climbing on the couch, kicking the back of my car seat, anything else I have voted as something giving me a head ache.
Yesterday I had a dream of mine come true as Mark, Morgan and I went to Disneyland! Morgan is just the perfect age as she loved anything we went on.
After taking her to Fantasy Land for the proper trip around the Carousel, the Peter Pan ride and Dumbo (which I couldn't take her on for fear of throwing up.) We went to the Jungle Boat Cruise which she loved, the Pirates of the Caribbean and the Tarzan Tree-house. This was called the Swiss Family Robinson Tree-house when I was a kid.
I was reminded that It's A Small World boat ride is good for getting out of the sun but the music hasn't changed so its sort of a headache maker. Luckily I already had a headache so it really didn't matter and it was nothing that 4 extra strength Tylenol couldn't fix.
Not feeling like walking over to Toon Town to find Mini and Mickey we went down to where Pooh lives and saw Pooh, Eyeore and Tigger which was just fine by Morgan.
Sort of disgusted to see the stand that sells Mc Donald french fries I ate up my sugar laden churro and let it drift out of my mind.
Overall a great day.
Upon leaving we bought Morgan this Buzz Light-year gun-ish kind of toy that was really loud which of course she loved and shot at all the teens sitting next to us on the tram on the way to the parking lot. This went on for 10 minutes before I told her "That's enough or the battery comes out" Smart enough to know it wouldn't work if the battery was gone she stopped for another 10 minutes.
The picture on the front page of this Blog is Morgan as I received an e-mail today from a friend who said, "I thought the picture of you was Morgan with long hair! It is crazy how much she looks like you!" It is crazy because that is Morgan and she does look like me. Well sort of.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Well now that my blog is up and running I sit here with nothing to say, write, think.
I am really tired. Morgan wakes up every night around two, three or four in the morning for a bottle. Lately Mark has been getting up to get her the bottle. I lay awake sometimes until she wakes up and I say to Mark, "She's up" at which point Mark says, " I didn't hear her? Are you sure?"
Mark and Morgan have just burst out of her room. They are done reading the bedtime book. Morgan says, " Sing me a lullaby." I usually make up a song and tell her, "Oh you loved this song when you were a baby."
2-1-06
I am really tired. Morgan wakes up every night around two, three or four in the morning for a bottle. Lately Mark has been getting up to get her the bottle. I lay awake sometimes until she wakes up and I say to Mark, "She's up" at which point Mark says, " I didn't hear her? Are you sure?"
Mark and Morgan have just burst out of her room. They are done reading the bedtime book. Morgan says, " Sing me a lullaby." I usually make up a song and tell her, "Oh you loved this song when you were a baby."
2-1-06
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