life with gaelen

Happy New Year 2012

2012-01-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought maybe I should re post last January's this year because it is still all the things I believe in I found this. Something that made me cry because it was so beautiful. Please click on this link for a short video. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium

Happy Holidays

2011-12-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

Remember to take a breather

2011-11-18T17:58:00.001-08:00

Ok, long time no see.
Been busy.
Very Busy.
Busy with things I do not really want to talk about.
Thinking of ways to do everything differently.
Living in gratitude.
Laughing at this picture of myself and remembering that laughing is a very good healer.
Wishing everyone reading this Happy Thanksgiving.
Gaelen

HIGH ANXIETY (Very Very Nervous)

2011-08-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

This is a story, not necessarily about the movie High Anxiety by Mel Brooks which I saw in 1978 and I was 13 and that movie made NO sense at all, but a story of MY HIGH ANXIETY!!!

Looking at the picture above Morgan was 2 hours old. This is the picture I have in my head every day of my life. Morgan is my 2 hour old baby. In her 8 years to date I have never seen her really hurt herself, not fall down, no tripping and falling, yes, a couple of scrapes but nothing really serious.

While at work I happen to look down at my cell phone which was vibrating and notice a call from her summer camp. I answer it thinking "Oh God please don't be another Lice at the summer camp call!" and the camp staff member says "Morgan has fallen on the play structure and has hurt her lip." I hear Morgan crying in the background and ask to speak with her. Morgan is crying yet says, "Mom I love you".
I leave work immediately to pick her up. Driving there I was getting nervous so I call Mark and tell him she fell off of a wooden ramp way between 2 play structures. He was leaving his work to go to a meeting and would not be home for a few hours.
So I put on my smile face and walk into the camp. I notice there are no kids there. I think why are all the kids away from the gymnasium? I walk in the gym and there are 3 staff members sitting on chairs blocking Morgan. At this point I become very, very, nervous! Now I fully understand the feeling of High Anxiety!
I call out, "Princess Burrito Mama is here!" I then see her and there is blood all over her jacket. Her mouth is bleeding and her lip has swollen to 3 times larger than normal. I think, please let her new front teeth be in her mouth. I just want to cry. Even writing this I want to cry. So I pick her up and tell her everything is all right and we are going to go home and we will just sit on the couch and I will hug her. She speaks real low, its hard to hard to hear her.
We sing the, "All is well" song. Her mouth is bleeding and I hand her a new Kleenex. I start to sing the "Every little cell in my body is happy, every little cell in my body is well." I change it to "Every little cell in my body is healing me, every little cell is healing me now." We get home and her lip is still bleeding. I ask her to open her mouth and her teeth are still there. I ask are they loose? She says no and I don't want to stick my finger in her mouth to check. I quickly call my sister and ask her to Google "What to do when mouth is bleeding" and tell her to call me back so I know what to do.
I have Morgan lie down on the couch. My sister calls back and I say "Yes, I put an ice pack on her mouth." Morgan says "As I was falling the wood hit my gum." So it wasn't her lip that was bleeding but her gum. I didn't really understand because at that moment I though I was going to have a heart attack anyway.
Her lip bled for two hours. It was too late to take her to the dentist and I was too scared to take her to the hospital. I did start giving her little little pieces of bread to eat. It was so hard for her to open her mouth. Round about this time I started looking in the medicine cabinet and the only children's medicine we have is allergy medicine.
I did give her plenty of water to drink though.
Finally Mark came home and he looked about as scared as I was. He is certainly a braver soul than I am. He started looking around for Tylenol or Motrin too. I mentioned we had none. Mark went out to get her some pediatric oral electrolyte freezer pops. Her mouth was no longer bleeding and she wanted to go to bed. We put her to bed and Mark and I went into our room and just looked at each other and said nothing. We were so scared we had nothing to say.
The next week her mouth healed and the swollen lip went back to its normal size.
Summing it up I guess I have to say, time does heal all things.
I feel better, Morgan feels better and I asked the camp to use a broom to wipe all the sand off the wood so no one else slips.
I think, "Wow I do worry a lot". I also remember I must have written that before in my blog, yet I am to tired to check and see. I actually don't want to know because I don't want to feel like there is one other thing I have to fix about myself.
So, time does heal all things but LOVE heals everything too! So I chose to love myself, trust God and know that All is Well.
Happy End of Summer!

10 Years Ago

2011-06-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, this picture is 10 years old. It is a little weird even writing that because in some ways it seems like yesterday. Of course BIG things have happened in the last 10 years. I guess I am just in the mood to appreciate what has happened and mix in some gratitude with that. I have even forgotten that I liked when Mark had that 1980's George Michael beard. Well, I fell in love with Mark in the 80s so maybe it makes some sense.
Coming back into 2011 Morgan is now calling me into the living room to see what she has created. The Airstream is parked in the Sacramento River Delta and not often used.
I am now a licensed insurance agent with State Farm and work full time. I am semi missing being a stay at home mom yet it feels good to go to work.
Although I am strong willed I am congratulating myself at accepting this life change with not so much boo-hoo-ing, OK maybe a little.
I am feeling good in a different way. Tired in a different way. Most nights now I sleep thru the night, don't wake up at 2 and finally fall back to sleep at 5. Now I just wake up at 5 :) I am using my blackberry more to send emails mixed in with ipod emails as opposed to being on my laptop at home. I find it more important to just be with Morgan now that I am not near her all day. Which means I have got to post this blog and watch Arthur with her.
Happy Summer.
Blessings,
Gaelen

I really must be lazy

2011-05-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

If your sitting in bed and too tired to get up and go to your laptop to write your blog does that mean your lazy? Maybe I am just inventive. Laying here in bed and thinking wait a minute I can post my late April/early May blog from my bed using my iPod touch is inventive and handy.
I was going to talk about how I am not into Easter so much but more into the feeling of spring and the growth of life all around me. Plants, animals, flowers. Oh yes now I remember why I am in bed alergies. Spring the flowers my stuffy nose and headache. The over the counter medcine that kept me moving yesterday and then kept me up all last night. I actually even slept for an hour in the middle of the day which is something my body never let's me do.
Yes that is why I am doing my blog in bed so please excuse the spelling due to finger typing on a small screen.
Spring and the energy of life. Today I was sad. I noticed on the Internet the killing of bin laden. At the bank the tv was showing the news and rejoicing the death of the enemy. I am not happy that the united states spent years and years chasing down a man, a bad man as people say and delight in the fact of his killing. Hate is not good in my opinion. Forgivness,light, love is what fuels life, not hate, killing and condeming others. I do not feel right telling Morgan he was a bad man who killed others so now we killed him and that's his just dessert.
I would rather see myself as a unicorn not as a zombie.
Enough of that rant. April did have earth day and earth hour and the use of candles which I love and things that grow and things that change which helps me remember all things change. Even me and accepting change and growth as great things and nothing to be afraid of.
Maybe tonights blog in bed is a reminder for myself that there is nothing to be afraid of.
That the source takes care of me and I live in trust and love.
xo,G

The Luck of the Irish

2011-03-10T15:31:00.000-08:00

Well since I am Irish and all Erin go Bragh, I have to admit I am happy that I do not have to make green pancakes this year for Morgan. I am also happy that I choose to honor myself on St. Paddy's day and not wear green because:

1. I do not like green.

2. I do not look good in green.

3. I do not own anything that I like in green. Except my mini-backpack which is chartreuse.

I guess having the Luck of the Irish this month (not that I don't have luck always) but significantly this month means to me: Listen.

When two friends that live 3,000 miles apart say the same thing to me, it is time to listen.

What both of them said, "Do Not Over-think It"

It is what it is. This is my new motto. It is what it is. When I get in my Over-think it mode I tap on my eyebrow, I tap on the side of my eye, I tap under my eye, I tap under my nose, I tap my chin, I tap my collarbone, I tap under my arm and I tap on top of my head. I feel relaxed/calmer when I tap.

It is what it is means that I have faith that the Universe has the answers and all will be well. It is to wonder not worry.

Over-thinking it is a reminder to me that although I am dependable, I am unpredictable. Today I am choosing unpredictable and I am happy to do so.

By the way that's me in the photo (the one in the back) when I was, never over think it and never worry Gaelen. I love that me.

Punxsutawney Phil and early spring?

2011-02-02T17:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, how do you even pronounce that name? Our little cactus tree is sort of blooming. Before 8AM the spiderwebs on it glisten in the fog with dew. Not even sure why I am on the deck with my camera at 8AM. If a cactus is in bloom does that mean early Spring? I don't really know. I suppose I could look it up but that's not what I wanted to blog about.

February the month of: my birthday, the month my Dad made his transition, the month of "All you need is LOVE" the month of Morgan is out of school for a week, its even called Ski Week.
Let me tell you, being in the cold snow doesn't really make me feel like Spring is coming. I want Spring to be here, not coming but here. I guess my insides are telling me that dinner needs to be on the table. Not coming, but on the table as in right about now.

I do have faith that I can make a 30 minute meal like Rachel Ray.
Faith, I like Faith. No doubts, no questioning, no worries. I remember now that I no longer use the word worry. I use the word WONDER. I wonder about that. Not I worry about that, I just Wonder about it.

Happy Month of February to you,
Gaelen

2011 I believe mini repost

2011-01-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

I believe its ok to have spelling errors when your trying to post your blog quickly. :) Gaelen

2011 I believe....

2011-01-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

January 2011

I believe in Spiritual Living. I believe in saying I'm sorry. I believe in having good friends. I believe in sitting in silence during the day. I believe in laughter. I believe in knowing that all is well. I believe in getting a good nights sleep. I believe there is a divine right path for everyone to follow and each person has a right to follow thier own path. I believe in love. I believe in peace. I believe in happiness. I believe in forgineness. I believe there is time to get things done. I believe in being organized. I believe in writing things down. I believe in saying, "I love you" to myself. I believe I have made mistakes and that it is ok.

Happy New Year.

Love, Gaelen

Happy Holidays 2010

2010-12-15T17:47:00.000-08:00

Missed November Blog

2010-12-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

It has been busy, busy, time. We drove to San Diego for thansgiving, then on Fri. to Palos Verdes and on Sat. to City Walk and at noon drove back to San Francisco. Thank God for the itouch. Morgan played with it most of the drive, as you can see from the above photo she figured out how to take pictures of the game she was playing. I am happy about that but not so happy about all the itouch pictures appearing on iphoto.

Well its December and the busy, busy continues. I have 9 minutes to finsh this and pick Morgan up from school. There is so much to say, but I will have to wait for another day.

Peace, Love and Blessings this holiday season.
Gaelen

Halloween 2010

2010-10-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

We went to 3 Halloween events last night and home by 9:15! Morgan made a cute little cheer leader, Mark and I wore our usual costumes. Actually I wore my usual borrowed costume.
I even had a good time at our Spiritual Center's Halloween party, Mark's work party and a Montessori family party.
Morgan only hit me in the head accidentally one time while taking this picture. Cheers for us.

Sitting here writing this I realized what is stressing me out about Halloween. It is the marker of how busy the next 2 months are for me.
This year we are driving to San Diego to have Thanksgiving dinner at my sisters and on the way home we are stopping at Mark's Aunts house to see his cousins + his brother who is flying in from Montana.

November is filled with 5 scheduled meetings so far, 1 Saturday 9-5 retreat, a week of teachers conferences where Morgan gets out of school at noon and the middle of the month is when the Spiritual Center I attend gears up for a Holiday Dinner for Homeward Bound of Marin (training and housing for homeless family's) and I recruit volunteers to help cook the dinner, set up the Hall and just writing all of this sent me into the kitchen to make some espresso.
Lots to do. I don't even want to start thinking about December. Oh and I just remembered that I want to see a friend in San Diego while we are down there and I don't think that is going to happen.

This is screaming to me the need to remember to take car of myself first. Get some sleep, eat well, drink tea, enjoy friends and family, meditate and remember that all is well and miracles occur each moment when you slow down to witness them.

Has this ever happened to you?

2010-09-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

I remember as a child we would play the pass it down game, some call it the telephone game. You tell the person sitting next to you something and they tell that to the person sitting next to them what you told them. Even if the line is not completed, the last few people to receive the message can compare this with the original, and some messages will be unrecognizable after only a few steps.

I remember this being a fun party game, it helps to teach others that it is harmful to spread gossip or to say something to someone you would not like repeated.

Now that we have the Internet and e-mail, the 2010 computer version of pass it down game is not always so funny.

The sending of e-mails isn’t one person whispering to another, what you write does carry a powerful message. It is something that can be read and re-read.

You might not want everyone to hear what you are saying in your e-mail. The reply all button and forward button are actually really scary. Once you press those buttons you can’t take it back. What you meant to say, or what you were feeling, might not come out correctly when you type it. I have felt many different things when that has happened to me. Angry, sad, sorry, a feeling of YIKES I wish that didn’t happen.

Forgiveness of others and forgiveness of self are sometimes hard things to do.

So now my new e-mail policy is think about what the e-mail says and respond 2 days later, or better yet call the person and don’t reply to the e-mail.

Happy September.

Kale Chip Saturday

2010-08-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

This is a test b/c I don't have anything planned for August yet

2010-08-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

hair cut & skinny jeans

2010-07-08T13:54:00.001-07:00

June re-do

2010-07-05T13:28:00.001-07:00

Don't Laugh

2010-05-20T14:53:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's true. That is a Topsy Turvey planter, the kind you see on TV, and yes, 3 Heirloom Tomatoes plants were my Mothers Day gift, oh and 1 umbrella to fit the table on our front deck.
Now I can eat breakfast outside with the umbrella. Actually, I can have my expresso outside too. No hat needed with the umbrella. Yeah!
We planted the other two plants in separate pots and this morning I noticed 3 little tomatoes growing!!!
I like growing tomatoes on the deck because no scary tomato bugs can get to them!

May is a busy month for me with Mothers Day and at the end of the month our Anniversary.

I am so excited because this year I get a new camera! My old Canon eos was stolen from our truck :-(
I have waited 6 months for my Canon G11. Next time I post a picture of the tomatoes I will be able to take a good close up.

I am so grateful to cross it of the "items needed" list.

Peace, Love and Joy this month for you.

Earth Day

2010-04-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day
Thank the Goddess today that it isn't raining and Morgan and I can go on a bike ride. Well that is if I am strong enough to lift our bikes off the garage ceiling and get them down to the floor.
I am looking out the window and giving thanks for the pine tree and green grass and the blue sky. I am giving thanks for the awesome and wonderful circle house (earth) we live on.
I am grateful for the fruit trees, vegetable plants, nut trees, animals, insects (even spiders except when one is on the shower ceiling when I am showering) rivers, bays, and oceans. The geysers and volcanoes too. Even the things I can't remember right now but I am sure to remember once I post this :(
Being about the three R's (reduce, reuse, recycle) here is an earth fact:
Never underestimate the importance of recycling: if every newspaper was recycled, we could save about 250,000,000 trees each year. Unfortunately only 27% of all American newspapers are recycled.
Love, joy, peace, patience-Gaelen

HAPPY EASTER

2010-04-03T12:07:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! This is Morgan's drawing of spring.
I have just a few minutes to finish this blog as we have 50 chairs to pick up for our spiritual center, I have to cook a ham for the Easter potluck, put together hats for our youth and family group, go to the market, take a shower. My To Do List today feels like it is never ending. I did vacuum the top of our refrigerator as a spring cleaning thing this morning though.
I was trying to remember Easter with my family and I guess we didn't do anything for Easter. I do remember all of us getting into the car to go to my grandmothers when I was 5 or 6. I also remember I got plastic golf clubs. I kinda remember getting new dresses that we would get dolled up in. I suppose I could ask Colleen and Carrie what they remember about Easter. Now that my parents have passed I guess I could make it up. I think I will tell Morgan that Easter was a lot of fun, filled with good food, spending special time with family and friends, feeling grateful for the energy of the winter melting away with the new growth of life. I am sure that is what my Easter will be about this year. I hope yours is too!
Blessings

Erin Go Bragh

2010-03-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

Ireland Forever! I am mostly Irish and I do really like St. Patricks Day. I was raised Catholic and yes, it is a day of wearing green but a shamrock works too. Although green is my least favorite color to wear, I usually wear a lime green jacket.
Now that Morgan is in the 1st grade I have tried to distinguish what is actually alive and not a made up story. So anyway I really haven't mentioned rainbows, pots of gold and Leprechaun's. This year in class there was an assignment to make a Leprechaun trap. Not much into that myself I did let Morgan use a whole roll of tape to construct her own. I even made green pancakes that morning. I was proud that Morgan even ate one. My friend e-mailed me, "I would eat those too, syrup makes everything taste good. " Which is actually true. I put maple syrup on everything, and did eat the green pancakes and they were just like a not green pancakes, yet I usually eat buckwheat pancakes that are mostly brown-ish. It is nice to have spring arriving though having spring alergies is problematic. Happy Spring :)

MORGAN'S PEACE POLE HEART

2010-02-24T10:53:00.000-08:00

Happy semi-belated Valentines Day!

This is not only a story of Love, but a story of Hearts Desire and wishes being full filled.

Last year Morgan's class made a peace pole. The heart tile that Morgan made was soul centered for me. Desiring it really wasn't an impulse. I could see Morgan's love in that heart. Her beautiful creativity. The Divine power of Love that sets you free.

I so desired that peace pole! and I almost purchased it, yet I remembered there were other things that I actually desired and needed. At the auction it sky rocked over $1,000.00 and I choose to let it go. After the auction one of the people working on the peace pole let me know that the heart above is the first one she made. They couldn't use it because of the way the Spackle was attached. She had to make a second one which they attached to the pole. So my soul centered desire, my wish was given to me. The Universe is a magnificent place.

Morgan's heart tile now sits on our bathroom counter. I am so grateful. It constantly reminds me of Love energy that is ever present. The Love that heals and sets you free.

Valentines Day is a reminder that Love is Life itself. I often sing this Buddhist prayer to myself.

May you be filled with Loving Kindness.

May you be well.

May you be peaceful and at ease.

May you be happy.

Blessings, Gaelen

Turning 45

2010-02-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

What is turning 45? I am not exactly sure.

I do remember when I was 25ish I found my first gray hair. I pulled it out of my scalp, taped it to a black piece of paper and gave it to my sister saying,

"You gave this to me."

Now that I have a whole lot of gray hairs, who can I blame? I guess there is no one to blame.

Is that why so many people dye their hair? Would it help me if I didn't see my gray hair?

Living in Marin with oh so many green people, I don't see too many people with a lot of gray hair.

Are most of the "Don't polish your nails" people and "Bring you own shopping bags to the grocery store" people dyeing their hair with toxin free hair dye?

As it is written on the back of my business card "Thinking makes it so" I guess I should start there.

Is getting older a scary thing? Well yes, to me it sort of is. Does this have anything to do with gray hair? Actually, not really. Is about change? Realizing that daily I change?

I suppose it is. I guess it does boil down to "Thinking make it so."

A received an e-mail from a friend that said, "Time flies, but luckily our kids get older and we keep feeling the same age." Remembering that I am 40ish helps.

Turning 7

2010-02-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

Morgan turned 7 and it was so much fun! I don't know what is more surprising that she's 7 or I'm seven years older.

2010 Predictions from ... Beyond.

2010-01-05T10:37:00.001-08:00

I really love the positive energy of this message but I like it best with the sound turned down so I can read it.

2010 intention

2010-01-02T14:29:00.001-08:00

Yes, I did write more but these words are the essence of it. Please be sure to set your intentions.

happy holidays love the coopers

2009-12-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

Turkey With a Little Help

2009-11-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

Its me holding the Turkey roasting pan. That is my friend Jo who stood in as a mother figure.

Jo really helped me as I have to say I had no idea how to cook a 22lbs. turkey. Other than putting the turkey in the over I think it was the last time I touched the pan. Jo grabbed the turkey and got it all ready to put in the roaster. I just watched her. Oh, I did hand her the string to tie it all up. I took a small nap while it cooked and Mark basted it every 20 minutes. At least that was the first hour. He quickly realized how fast 20 minutes goes by so he changed to every 30 minutes. I would have helped him baste it but there was no way I could lift the turkey across the oven. I got to be the "time to baste the turkey person" Morgan watched the dog show and parade.

We had 16 people over from our spiritual community. Each person brought a side dish so I suppose it was a Thanksgiving potluck. The turkey was great and it was a whole lot easier to just cook the turkey and make some stuffing than cook all of the side dishes too.

Everyone was gone at 6:00 to see a movie. Mark, Morgan and I just relaxed and watched something on Disney. Something about a mouse whose name I can't spell.

Usually I call my Aunt in Boston and some friends. I even send out a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail. I think the 22lbs. turkey and 16 people at my house spooked me. I didn't do any of those things. Oh yeah, I took some extra strength Tylenol. Even my 75 year old Aunt sent an e-mail on Thanksgiving. I don't think her son even helped her. Carrie sent me a text message. Colleen and I spoke on the phone. I guess it was a "just talk with your sisters" kinda Thanksgiving.

So this is your, "I Hope Your Thanksgiving Was Love Filled." e-mail.

YES THATS THE DOG PJ'S I MADE

2009-10-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I really wanted to post a YOUTUBE video of me but I am running out of time to do so. I have a name for my studio, STUDIO G. I am even going to have a script sort of, thank you to my sister for suggesting that I need one. :)

Anyway this is a picture of Morgan making cupcakes and wearing the PJ's of dogs that I made for her. Baking in the winter is a ton of fun and Morgan loves it. Though I would have to say I do more of the clean up than she does. Autumn is a great time to retreat to quieter indoor pursuits relaxing, reading, listening to music, knitting, singing. Going to bed early. Drinking tea. Remembering to let go of worry and fear and to replace it with the knowing that all is well. Have a TV dinner without watching TV. The best thing for me lately is not watching any TV. Ok I do watch FoodNetwork but no news. I find myself feeling better by not trying to have any judgements so the less I watch what I don't like makes me feel better. Morgan just came over to me in the office and said to me, "Do know what NBT means?" "I said no I don't know what that means." "Morgan said it means NEXT BIG THING" Wow I love that. So what is your next big thing?

I skipped the month of September so I could have a blog break. Relax. Live in joy.

I know I am not the only one who has been extremely busy as I hear the same thing from a lot of people. It sure is time to press the pause button on the fast forward of my life.

I have been so grateful for everything I have lately. A friend of mine commented on how she doesn't like to be away from her Apple computer and I would have to say that is true for me too. As I work on this blog I am listening to the radio on iTunes on my laptop. So I guess my NBT is to continue to be grateful.

life with gaelen 8/3/09

2009-08-06T13:18:00.001-07:00

well i sure do hope this works!

I am on YouTube :)

2009-08-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PjchT5ikVs

Yes, now that you are at my blog I am asking that you click on the above link and see my video blog. This is just a trial until I can figure out what else I can do. It will only take a few minutes.

It's Me Live

2009-06-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

DON'T HURT A SPIDER

2009-06-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've heard stories about people who don't kill animals, don't kill humans, don't kill themselves but to speak the truth I have killed spiders. I am not for killing anyone or anything, yet I have killed spiders. I hook up the hose to the vacuum and suck them up. Before I play executioner I say, meet your maker. I started to feel bad about killing spiders so I asked Mark to kill them for me. Myself being just so afraid of creepy, crawly spiders I did not see the need to have them hang around the house. When I heard Morgan say she was afraid of a spider on the ceiling I new that my fear of spiders was what had sunk into Morgan.

In an attempt to be kind to spiders I put on house cleaning gloves and would have Morgan open the back door and then I would take the dust pan and chase the spider onto it and run out the back door and set the spider onto the deck. We would then celebrate how we were the hero's that saved a spider. I remembered that our house spiders don't really live that long and aren't always around the house although when I walked around the house to take today's out of focus picture I did see a few. Now that I've tried to make friends with house spiders I am not as scared of them as I use to be. I just leave them alone and they stay away from me.

In thinking about war today and the many people being killed across the globe, why is it we choose to not to be kind and loving? Why not choose peace? I have chosen to make peace with spiders and it feels great. Why not choose peace today?

The Future is here NOW

2009-05-20T13:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I changed the type face thinking if I could see it better it might help me to think of something to write about but as I am typing this I am putting a CD in iTunes so I can sync it with my iTouch.

The iTouch is great. I remember in 1983 when I would listen to music with a hand held Sony CD player. If I wanted to hear it on the radio I would hook it up by inserting a cassette into the radio. It was large but worked.

Now 23 years later not only can you put music on the iTouch. Not just one CD but all of your CD's and all of your phone numbers, your calendar, photos, check the weather, look at todays stock market, check your e-mail, see what time it is, check out the web, look at travel maps, watch YouTube and my favorite listen to Podcasts.

By the way it is so small. You can put it in your pocket.

The future is here NOW and it is great.

Yes, I do believe that right now there is plenty to be grateful about.

My heart has been opened to compassion. I don't watch the news but people I know have lost their job, people I know have lost their home, people I know have lost their hope. I have sympathy and concern for others misfortunes yet I know that everything encountered has a valuable lesson.

Once long ago I was released from a job that I really enjoyed. I was scared and hurt. I was confused. I was living in a dark night of the soul.

I listened to my intuition and acted on it and began to follow my heart. I began to release my resistance to losing my job. The more I let go of my unhappiness the more room I had to fill myself back up with happiness.

Learning how to deal with healing myself in difficult times was indeed a large lesson and I am I am so grateful for it.

I remind myself that God is in this experience and only greater good can come from it and I rest in that Truth.

As Emerson says "Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."

2009-04-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

I am watching deers outside of my window and getting distracted, which is where I don't want to be.
So far in 2009 I have been distracted, hopeful, busy sewing Morgan an Easter dress (look at above picture), knitting a red scarf, (I will post a picture when I am done working on the scarf) and poking around on Facebook.
Yes, I was doing Internet poking around. While checking things out I came across a family picture where one member of the family was crying and it looked like no one noticed.

I thought, what would I do if someone was crying?

Then I thought, what would I like if I was crying?

Understanding, Love, a Hug, Kindness, Forgiveness.
So while thinking about this I learned that forgiveness is a great thing to think about but a difficult thing to do.

I focused on forgiving people who I felt slighted by.

I focused on opening my heart for safe passage of hurt feelings.

I realized the more I opened my heart the better I felt.

The more I remembered, "The God who caused the question to be asked is the God who has the answer" (Doris Jones)

Gradually, I felt better and didn't feel like I was riding an elephant. (Morgan's drawing)

I do Love the way all things work out if you have patience and trust.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-25T16:08:00.000-08:00

Wow it's 2009. Time sure is moving rapidly. Of all the things I would like to write about this month, I figure I should start with the inaugural address.
"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord." (if you would like to read the inaugural address visit http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/inaugural-address/)
Yes, I cried during most of the address. Yes, I printed it up and offered it as reading material for parents at Morgan's 6th birthday while their children did gymnastics. Yes, I am more than excited to have Barack Obama as the president of the United States of America. Yes, I am crying now even thinking about it.
As Emerson says "Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." It is with confidence that I know where ever my travels lead I have chosen hope.

Its Christmas again? That was a very fast 365 days.

2008-12-23T18:52:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's me, Mark and Santa. I didn't ask Santa for anything. Well I did think of asking for Peace in the world, only I know that each person on the planet has the choice to be at peace. A choice to bring a sense of peace to our lives and the lives of others. Peace is something you can catch. Sort of like catching a cold. When others have it you can get it too. When I am peaceful Mark and Morgan are peaceful. I look forward to the world being at peace. Inspiring others toward peace-full-ness brings me peace-full-ness.
This year for Christmas I am giving invisible gifts. Love from my heart, a gentle smile to strangers, peace in my actions, joy in my voice, hugs for everyone and remembering that Spirit lives inside of me.
Blessings to everyone in other spiritual teachings. Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and Taoism

Thanksgiving

2008-11-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to write a blog while you are listening to FoodNetwork about cooking a turkey?
The Thanksgiving holiday is here and it is my year to cook the turkey.
This will be a first. Yes, I watched Emril Lagasse yesterday about soaking the turkey in brine. I mentioned this to Mark who said, “Do not brine the turkey.”
The turkey is sitting in the refigerator and each day I hear it saying, “What are you going to do with me?”
Last year we went to Mark’s cousins and had a great time. The year before that I odered a cooked the turkey from Whole Foods. The year before the Whole Foods turkey I ordered a cooked turkey from Paradise market. Before the Paradise turkey we went to my sisters. The year before going to my sisters Mark and another one of his cousins put the turkey on the BBQ rotisserie and cooked it. The year before that we went to Mark’s grandmothers and the year before that I can’t remember where we were I just know I didn’t cook the turkey.
I do really like the feeling of Thanksgiving. I also like the feeling of being grateful. I like being with the people you love. I guess I am just scared of the turkey. Besides purchsing the turkey, I bought the turkey lifters, the cheese cloth, the baking pan and the lifting rack. We have a thermometer. I have watched enough FoodNetwork.
I tell myself, “Remember it is a waste of time to worry. It will all work out and be perfect.”
The main dish I should serve right now is, “What am I thankful for that took place last year?”
I am so grateful that Obama was elected president. Morgan started kindergarten. Mark and I went to see the Madonna Sticky & Sweet tour. Our vacation in Mt. Shasta. I saw my first opera, The Elixer of Love. I cut off 10 inches of my hair to give to Locks of Love. The new level of deepness that has taken place in our marriage. I sleep thru the night. I spent the weekend in Napa, CA with my sisters. A great practitioner retreat. A new cell phone that works everywhere and is easy to send a text messages with. A deeper undertanding that the more I give away the more I get.

Obama

2008-11-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

We must become the change we want to see in the world. ~ Mohandas Gandhi
Vote with your heart, as you can see I did. Blessings, Gaelen

31 blogs and never missed a month

2008-10-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

Wow! I have done 31 blogs and have never missed a month. That is not until this September. I took the entire month off. Not only did I take the entire month off I quit my job. I missed Morgan’s first day of kindergarten! I was a mess.
I was sick. Not just sick but really, really sick. On the 1st of the month, Labor Day I had vertigo. Not having had that before I was really scared. Having the entire room spin is un-describeable. Mark took me to the hospital while I threw up in a small trash can in the car. I stayed overnight and the doctor fixed me up.
Two weeks later I had a cough and a stuffy nose. For the entire week I couldn’t get up. I couldn’t sleep and coughed all night. Mark started agreeing with me that maybe I was really sick. Him sleeping on the couch might have had something to do with that. On the 22nd I finally went to the doctor who said, “You have pneumonia”. Well that would explain why I couldn’t take deep breaths.
I am now waiting for my car to have an oil change and writing this blog in the Lexus waiting room. Anyway, all is well. I am feeling better and I have once again remembered that it is important to take care of myself. Instead of doing 10 things a day I have cut back to 5 things a day. This past Sunday I had a few things to do and I did none of them. I let myself relax while Morgan played with her toys on the living room floor. I gave myself permission to do nothing. I did nothing and it was ok. I do need to take a picture to put on this blog so I will give myself permission to not rush, take my time and know that it will work itself out in perfection.

Mt. Shasta Vacation

2008-08-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

I sit here at work and look at ical on my screen. I notice it is already the 19th and that means its Blog time.
This past year most of the time I find myself busy, busy, busy. Not until last weeks vacation did I realize how tired I was. I was tired but couldn't sleep thru the night. I would wake up and be tired. At 6:30am I would be tired. At 3pm I would be tired. At 5pm I would be tired. OK writing about being tired is sort of making me tired.
Anyway, we went to Mt. Shasta in our Airstream trailer. Mt. Shasta is a 14,179 ft. mountain and is one of the earths healing vortexes. On day one of the trip when I went to sleep I awoke at 3am and looked up at the sky. I can’t remember when I have seen so many stars. I went outside and sat down and looked at the stars. They were so beautiful. I felt so empowered and inspired. I wanted to wake up Mark so he could look at them. I had the feeling that nothing would ever go wrong. A feeling of full trust in the universe sat there with me.
When at Mt. Shasta we stay at an RV Resort located in Lake Siskiyou. Mark brings his kayak, puts Morgan in the front with him and rows down the lake. It is beautiful to watch them in the lake and besides it gives me time to sit and watch the mountain.
I think of any unnecessary baggage I want to give to the mountain. Any hurt feelings? Any anger? Anything I need to forgive myself for? Who else do I need to forgive? Any guilt to let go of ?
All of this can be given to the earth but while at a special healing vortex why not leave my unwanted stuff at Mt. Shasta.
On N Mt. Shasta Blvd. there is a small water fall and if you bring something that will hold water you can step into the fall and fill up your water container. The water comes down from Mt. Shasta and flows into the Sacramento river. We had brought 6 Crystal Geyser gallon containers for our trip and had drank all the water so we filled them all up with the most delicious cold water I have ever tasted. I even filled my “Think Green” sigg container, sat down and drank the 32 oz and refilled it and drank more. Morgan loved stepping on the wet stones to get the water. I was amazed at how graceful she was. Unlike me as I stepped slowly on each stone being careful not to fall into the cold water. There were tarot card readers, people making beautiful beaded necklaces, people relaxing, and lots of people getting water. People filling large containers of water. Not only 1 large container but 8 large containers. Lots of good cold free water.
I guess water was our vacationing theme. We went to McCloud and saw the middle water fall. We didn’t walk down to it we just stood at the view point and looked at it amazed at the running water.
Then we drove to Berney Falls. We did walk down to the falls and it was amazing. The sound of the rushing water was hypnotic.
Then we went to Dunsmuir. The water fall there is almost like a heavy shower. Mark and Morgan walked down to it but I stayed in the forest because it was too hot and I didn’t want to walk anymore. A man walked by and said, “Why aren't you heading down to the fall?” I said, “I am too hot to move” He said “You can stand under the fall and it will cool you down.” I thought, I think I am too scared to stand under the fall. I did remember I was wearing my bathing suit and Mark and Morgan were down there and it might be fun. So I walked down and slowly got closer to the fall and eventually went under the water and it was so cold that I was instantly cool. Morgan was interested but didn’t go under the fall. The week went by quickly and it was time to go. We said good bye Mt. Shasta, good bye German brown trout, good bye friends, see you next year.

What to blog about?

2008-07-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I start to think about what to blog about I can’t remember what went on this month? I am thinking about what is going to go on next month. We are going to Mount Shasta to visit with friends at Lake Siskiyou and I am quite excited. I guess I shoud tell the whole truth, I am excited but I will be missing a great event. The event is called “Spend a day with Three Modern Mystics” Neale Donald Walsh, Jean Houston and Joan Borysenko who will be speaking on the topic of renewing your appreciation for life on earth.
10 years ago I heard Neale Donald Walsch speak at Agape and I just loved him. I am sorry to miss this. And anyone who says, “Accept yourself the way you are” as Joan Borysenko says in her book, “Your Souls Compass” is a winner with me.
If you have any interest in hearing each of them speak you can watch a 4 minute video on YouTube. Paste this link into your browser:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij7Yt3Lwe44
Ok, I shouldn’t focus on what events I am going to miss, as the universe is presenting me a beautiful picture of the environment at Mount Shasta and I am excited to be arriving there in August. I hope you find yourself arriving at a place of happiness this summer too.

Food Poisoning

2008-06-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

Its hard to believe that here I am at work (with nothing to do, which is not so hard to believe) and its blog time once again. Last month I had food poisoning! Food poisoning was a first time event for me.
I have heard many people say, they had just gotten over food poisoning. I felt sorry for them. Not having had it before, I was just kinda sorry though. Now I know better.
I do believe that with every expierence there is a lesson to learn. I really do not mind learning a lesson, but this lesson was a hard one to go thru. I had no idea that my stomache could put me thru horrible vomiting. That my body could be so sore. I felt like someone had beaten me up. I was surpized to think, if I died right now I would be OK with that.
I guess it was the lesson of surrender. The lesson of feeling so very horrible that anything to take me away from the pain was OK. Having watched the news (which is something I never do) I thought I might have salmonella. Even my sister Carrie asked me if I eaten any tomatoes. She thought I might have salmonella too. I heard some people died from tomato salmonella. I thought maybe that I would die from it.
I remember after having Morgan, I thought child birth was painful. Food poisoning was way, way, more painful than child birth. After throwing up for 4 hours Mark thought I might want something to eat. He made me steak and green beans. Yes, it was nice he made me something to eat, but steak and green beans? Chicken soup is what I wanted. Nothing else. Just chicken soup. Well, even toast and tea would have been OK. I learned the lesson of surrender and Mark learned the lesson of giving someone chicken soup after being sick is a good thing.

Behind on my Blog

2008-05-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today is May 27th but to me it feels like summer time. It must be summer. I am behind on my blog and usually I am not behind on my blog. I ask myself, “Why are you behind?” I hear myself saying, “Well you were busy” I think, “Yes that is true, you are doing your blog while at work.” Not just thinking about my blog but typing it an my MacBook while I am at work. NO soothing music, no cup of tea, just sitting at my work desk waititng for the phone to ring and doing my blog. I sit here and feel myself breathing, relaxing my shoulders and listening to my heart about what I should be writing.
Anger. All people feel anger. I feel a bit angrey even writing about anger. I try to send my anger back down to the earth. Release it down to the ground. When I do that I feel grounded. Lighter. It feels so good not to carry angry feelings around. To just drop them. I love giving things away, and I think when I give angry feelings back to the earth it helps me to feel better.
For me finding a private safe place to let my feelings go really helps. I like having the power to heal myself at will. What I love the most though is remembering to heal myself right away. To leave the negative feelings of anger behind forgive my self. When I can sleep thru the night and wake up in the morning with a smile on my face I know all is well.

Earth Hour

2008-04-18T21:25:00.001-07:00

This months blog is a suggestion from my friend. I got an e-mail from a friend alerting me about Earth Hour. After reading about Earth Hour I e-mailed it out to all of my friends too. In my earliest childhood memories I can still hear my grandmother Elsie saying, “Turn that light off, were not the Edisons.” My sister Carrie is a water person. The kind of person who as a child would always turn off the water when brushing her teeth. She would say to Colleen and I “Turn off the water” when we would brush our teeth. Maybe she got that from our grandmother too but I have never asked her where she got that from. It could possibly be from something on TV. Though I have always been a turn off the lights person. I was excited to participate in Earth Hour at 8PM on March 28. I was excited to share with Morgan that we were helping out the environment and speaking out for change. I was happy to have her in bed by 8PM with the lights out. Sort of selfish but that’s Ok too, isn’t it? I was really happy to hear from my friend that she and her family had a fun time telling stories in the dark. I love candle light. Its cozy for me. I also like going to bed early. Ok I like going to bed early when I wake up early, which is most days as my body says to me, “Time to wake up, its 6AM.” Now I don’t always get up I just lay in the bed until the alarm clock goes off at 6:30AM. I am thinking why wait until 2009 for the next Earth Hour day, why not turn out the lights early every night.

Saol Fada Chugat

2008-03-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Saol Fada Chugat is Irish for, Long Life To You. Today I could say Happy St. Paddy’s Day. Well I did wear green but my black down vest mostly covered it up. I really do not like wearing green. I am remembering as a child if you didn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day people liked to pinch you. Now I don’t wear green and I haven’t been pinched for what seems like forever but what is it with people whom like to pinch you?
What has happened in the last 30 days? Is it OK to say I really don’t remember? Oh yes, spring is here. Or will be this Thursday. Though it doesn’t feel any warmer. It does feel sunnier though. I would like it to be sunny in the morning. At 6AM it feels like winter and by 6PM it feels like summer. Which I suppose is a good thing. Now I feel the need to get things done. Faster. With a sense of urgency. The need to get things done NOW.
Observing the flowers grow is saying something to me. It is something like, “Don’t be so lazy. How about getting some things done? Now. Not tomorrow, NOW.” I am not sure where my patience went. I think it went to the same place things go when you get sick of them. I’m sure it will come back when I really need it. Patience is in a vacation mode. The earth is saying, “Get up and get going!” I am saying to myself, “Get up and get going.” I think many people are saying, “Its time to get up and get going.”

March 17, 2008 9:59 PM

ANSWERED PRAYER-ISH

2008-02-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

Wow Morgan is asleep and its 8:00 PM. I should be happy that I have some time to write my blog but truth be told I’m kinda tired and I don’t really know what I want to write about. Humm. I guess prayers being answered would be a good thing to mention. Well today I decided to go home a different way. What I mean is, I drove a different way home from where Morgan and I were. Usually I just get back on the freeway and drive home. This time I decided not to turn around to get on the freeway but to drive down the street and go thru Sausalito instead. As I was driving down the hill I saw an officer but I kept driving down the road. I remembered why I hate driving thru Sausalito. The streets are SO narrow. Anyway, driving down the road I saw the traffic was being ushered by an officer to another street. So I turned on the GPS in the car to look for a different way to get out of where I was. The GPS tried to send me a different way, but by then I figured out there was a BIG bicycle race thru town. Hence all the streets were blocked off. So my trusty GPS was of no help. Morgan and I were sort of lost/stuck. By this time we were up in the hills on the kind of street where ONE car going ONE way can drive down the road. I kept thinking, I need some help. So I listened to what my mind was telling me (yes I had turned the GPS off) and we headed down the road. I kept seeing the partitions on the road to the freeway, but the roads were still shut down and at least 1,000 people were biking down the closed roads. At this point Morgan began to point out which bikes were her favorite color. I need help was the only thing on my mind. I actually wasn’t looking at the bikes. Well I was looking at them so I didn’t hit anyone and it was then when I actuallly saw someone I knew. Out of thousands of people on bikes and hundreds of people walking around I saw someone I knew. I called out to him and he came over to the car and said it was just a few minutes until the city opened the roads. All I really needed was someone to tell me what was going on and what was going to happen. Help does come when you need it. I didn’t need to search for it, the help was just there. Yes, I suppose you do have to ask for help when you need it, maybe or maybe not. I guess it depends on how much you trust the universe. I’m not saying I always trust the universe. There are times when I want to do everything ALL BY MYSELF. It reminds me of Morgan when she was 2 and wanted to do everything ALL BY MYSELF. Could it be opening myself up to possibility that helped me? The idea that all things are possible? Instead of having my fist closed I opened it? I don’t know. Maybe or maybe not.

February 18, 2008 8:54PM

IS IT 2008?

2008-01-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

Wow is it really 2008? In a weird way that sounds like a big number to me. It is the day of the future. I use wikipedia all the time on my laptop to look up things. I use google daily. I hear people saying, “Just google it” if they don’t know an answer to a question. I think maybe I am feeling older. I want to say smarter too, yet I feel like I am remembering long forgotten information. I am typing this listening to my ipod. YIKES. I am not sure that I like being in the future. Actually I am unsure about being in the future. I know I am not the only person feeling like this. I spent 2 hours Saturday morning figuring out how to down load a ring tone to my cell phone. It’s the Led Zeppelin, All My Love song. I think many teens could have figured out how to change the ring tone on their cell phone in about 2 minutes, not 2 hours. I remember when I was a teen asking my Dad a question about high school math, and he didn’t know the answer. I feel like one day soon Morgan will ask me a question about the internet, or down loading or up loading or what is a DRM? (digital rights management) and I will have to say, “Well, why don’t we google that and find out.” I guess I should feel good about that but somehow I don’t really. I am even using a software program that Mark bought me called Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. I am learning how to type on my computer. Not on a type writer but on my computer. Yes, I took typing in high school, but I was messing around mostly and not paying attention. Now that I use my laptop all the time it helps if I can type quickly. Wow is the future about doing things way faster? I’m not sure if I like that. Is it because I feel alittle older? Just a little bit older? Unsure. While typing this I hear the computer alerting me that I just received an e-mail. I click over to the e-mail just to see what it was. Woe. I wonder what that says about me. My intution is telling me, “Its winter. Time to go to sleep and get some rest.”

January 21, 2008
9:04 PM

Happy Festivus

2007-12-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

Happy Festivus. In the winter time we are supposed to slow down, rest, tell stories, eat, give gifts, receive gifts, learn to love more. Reenergize and heal. I do know why I am alive. Sometimes I forget and then I remember. I say to myself, “Oh yes, I knew that.”
When the sun goes down at 5PM I am happy. My body feels the need to sleep. To sit and relax. To think and say nothing. What is it that you think about? I try to leave worry out of what I am thinking about.
Today I found myself with a festivus gift cerificate. I stood at the store not understanding that I could purchase something for myself. Yes, after looking at knives, something for the kitchen and sheets for the bed, I remembered that the present was mine. Just something for me.
Sales people walked by me and asked if they could help me find something. Not knowing what I wanted I said, “No you can’t help me, but thanks.”
I wanted lipstick. Pink lipstick. I thought, oh Mark doesn’t like lipstick. Then I remembered whose gift this was, MINE. Does it matter to me what people think about me? If I want something that makes me happy its my problem, not another persons. So remembering I don’t really care what people think about me, I bought some pink lip liner and lipstick.
I like it. I smile. I embrace the fullness of this lesson. Being proud of my self respect I went up stairs and bought Morgan some tights. Receiving gifts is nice but giving gifts is nice too.

December 23, 2007

RUNNING OUT OF TIME...

2007-11-21T10:11:00.000-08:00

I am unsure why I didn’t know this. People who are attached to you in some way, the people you love, or dislike. NO ONE COMES WITH A MANUAL. You must write your own to understand anyone. I now have almost a whole chapter finished for Mark and I.
With Thanksgiving approaching I am just out of time to finish what I wanted to say about writing a manual. "How to deal with people written all by yourself." In short use your heart, not your head. Just love yourself and everyone around you. I guess I didn't need to write 300 words. I forgot to say be patience with others and yourself too. Well have a great Thanksgiving!!
November 21, 2007
10:33 AM

Living Large

2007-10-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well, lots of things have happened over this last month. I found the perfect part time job! I work 4 days a week. M-T from
1 to 5. Morgan plays at school from 3 to 5 until I pick her up. Sometimes Mark picks her up at 3, so it isn’t every day that she stays at school longer. Morgan loves staying after school playing with everyone else. Its sort of a play date for her. At my new job I sit at a desk and read. When the phone rings I answer it. Then I tell my boss who is on the line. Sometimes I make a few copies, or bring him the faxes that come in. Mostly I just sit at my desk and read. The phone really never rings. Currently I am re reading Harry Potter book 7. Two weekends ago I got sick. What a major drag being sick is with a 4 year old. I did my best to stay in bed and Mark did his best to get Morgan out of the house so I could sleep. I guess that’s what my body needed. Time to relax and sleep. Eat some soup. Drink some tea. Remember things I have forgotten. There was a time not long ago, something like 10 years that I had stuffed animal named Iggy. Strange that I think 10 years ago wasn’t that long ago. Anyway Iggy used to come everywhere with me. I would put him in my back pack, and take him out when I wanted something to hold. Strange. Maybe Iggy was the precursor to Morgan. Getting used to having something that is always around. I guess being sick brought that feeling up for me. I am no longer just one person. I wouldn’t wish it any other way. I do love being part of a larger life. Living Large. Working 16 hours a week is just large enough for me. I enjoy living simply. That feels large enough too. I enjoy hanging around with Mark and Morgan. It is a way to feel like being a kid again. Maybe that’s it. To feel like being a kid again. I think that is just what is making me feel young. Well younger-ish anyway. What feels important today is, loving the kid inside of me.

October 16, 2007

The Corn Fields

2007-09-09T23:02:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking about writing this blog and I did not feel anything entering my mind. Sometimes when I am about to fall asleep my subconscious mind takes over and I remember events, get ideas, have the answer to a question or hear the Universal Mind speak to me. Just now I remembered a time when my sisters and I were sitting in a corn field. We were holding a flag that was 10 feet high. My father and his friend would fly one of those kit planes around the field. When the plane would go down my dad would shout, walk 50 feet ahead of you and turn right. My sisters and I holding the flag would walk around and try to find the plane. That was 32 years ago. In that place now, there are no corn fields. Just big buildings. I wonder if my sisters remember walking in the corn field. Thing sure have changed in the last 30 years. When I was a kid there was a place where you could ride ponys. It’s now a mall. The Beverly Center. Yikes. Where have the dreams gone, that I would think to myself in the corn field? I don't know. But there is one thing I can do right now. I can invent my own new dreams. I don’t have to walk around trying to find something. What I am looking for is inside of me. It is not something I have lost. Maybe something forgotten, but not lost.
I look at Morgan and see myself re-born. Like the corn fields and the Beverly Center I have changed into something new. I love all of the me’s that I am. The me I have been, the future me, and the current me. The good choices and the bad choices, have all led me to this moment.

STONES

2007-08-09T22:05:00.001-07:00

OMG (Oh my god) can it be 2 months since I’ve written? The summer must be in some kind of time warp. Did someone put my remote in fast forward? I ask myself what was this summer’s lesson? I guess I found out that having a child changes you in quite a few ways. The life I once had, the things I used to do are sometimes not ok anymore. I am careful with the words I use. The things I say. The tone of my voice. I really used to love all kinds of movies. Now I don’t feel like watching movies where people are dying. Actually I do love the movie Big Fish and the dad does die in that. Oops sorry if you haven’t seen it and I just said the ending. So I guess I haven’t decided what things are different but they are different. Even though I don’t have the words to describe it.
When I thought about writing this I think I wanted to talk about building Cairns. This photo is the one I built on Mount Shasta. I would like to say I built this when I was my Big Self, the self that is full of sunshine, laughter, and joy. Truth is I wasn’t in laughter or joy. I guess I could say I was in sunshine but not the kind I like. I was in 98-degree sunshine. No hat or sunscreen. No water. No chair. I sat among the rocks, which were hot also. I waited for Mark and Morgan to hike back from the snow that was left on Mount Shasta. I waved my hands around to bat at the horse flies. I watched the ants crawl by my feet. I was in fear of the bees passing by my head. I looked at the rocks. I remembered there was something I could do. Something I could involve myself in. Other than think about how hot and thirsty I was. Anyway, after listening to nature I heard rocks speaking to me. They were saying, “We would like to sit atop one another.” Trying to balance them, they did want to sit atop one another. Thinking about it, feeling the oneness of earth and life on this plant is important to me. I want to feel myself in oneness. We went to Mount Shasta to feel the healing energy of one of earth’s vortexes. Thought I really didn’t feel it then, I do feel it now. Reading this I am reminded there is only the One self. Not a Big Self or small Self. Just the One self. The same self that is, the oneness of all life.

August 9, 2007
10:08 PM

Fire The Grid

2007-06-26T13:44:00.000-07:00

When you receive an e-mail from me, at the bottom it says “*be inspired*stay inspired*”. When I first set up gaelen.com, which is now gaelencooper.com, my intention has been *be inspired*stay inspired*.
I have tried in my blogs to set the intention to deliver messages of ways I have opened my heart. To live in joy, happiness, and love. Today I am posting a message to visit this website:

http://www.firethegrid.com/eng/home-fr-eng.htm

To view Shelly live and listen to her telling her story you can go to:

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqUAluDvuU4

When part 1 is done you can view part 2-8 by clicking on the screen when it pops up. Each part is about 20 to 30 minutes.

Shelly speaks about things I believe in. To practice random acts of kindness. Focus your energy on thinking about gratitude and joy. Listen to uplifting music.

This has truly been a great inspiration for me. I leave it to your guidance and free will.

June 26, 2007
2:25

My Smile Maker

2007-06-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

Mother Teresa said, “If you judge people, you don’t have time to love them.” If we are quick to pass judgment on others, we forget that they, like us, are human beings. As we seldom know what roads people have traveled before a shared encounter or why they have come into our lives, we should always give those we meet the gift of an open heart. Doing so allows us to replace fear-based criticism with appreciation. “The Daily OM”
Yes, I pass judgment on others. I hear myself thinking, “Dumb ass” when someone cuts me off on the freeway.
The first thing I think when I walk by someone smoking is, “cancer stick.” The next thing is “What is that horrible stench?” I am not so happy to admit I’ve told Morgan to hold her breath when we walk by someone smoking. Morgan even asked me to close the car window when she could smell cigarette smoke from the next car. Is this a judgment? I suppose it is.
Both of my parents died of smoking cigarettes. Still is it any of my business? I would say this is a fear-based critique.
I judge my own child sometimes too. When Morgan eats 2 bites of her dinner and brings her plate to the kitchen and says, “I’m done.” I worry about her health. Do I think, “Yikes!” Yes, sometimes I do. Is it any of my business? Is this a fear-based critique? Am I using my open heart?
Does Morgan know when she has eaten enough? Can she tell when she doesn’t want any more to eat? Well, of course she can. I need to leave my judgments on the side of the road.
I know Morgan is My Smile Maker. Just looking at her little face brings a smile to my face. Maybe Morgan is in my life to teach me the gift of having an open heart.

June, 7th 2007

Low Talking

2007-05-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

Today I am spending time thinking about how lucky I am. The itunes on the laptop are playing “Panini Pua Kea” by Cyril Pahinui, who I met in Maui. The living room is clean, the couch is cozy and it’s a nice 68 degrees. I am so blessed. It feels so good to take the time out from my busy life to feel the energy of being blessed.
I was sick last week. There were a few days when I couldn’t speak. Maybe I had laryngitis. I could only whisper. I couldn’t swallow. My thought hurt so badly. At first I thought I had an allergy. Then one night I couldn’t sleep. I drifted from dream to dream with the awareness that I was awake. The next day I told Mark I had a cold. I haven’t had a cold for ages.
I stayed in bed. I couldn’t talk, so I just tried to sleep. Not being able to talk was wonderful! Not having to say anything or feel like I needed to say anything was releasing. Morgan would come into the room right when I had fallen asleep. She wanted to tell me about my bracelets or some other important thing to a 4 year old. The good thing about not being able to talk, was whispering things meant I didn’t scream at her. I didn’t scream, “I am sick and trying to take a nap!” I am calling it “Low Talking”. Low Talking is being free. Though I was upset, taking the time to say everything softly gave me freedom to relax, and just be. I have to admit I am not always relaxed. I don’t like staying in bed. Taking the time to stay in bed, not thinking about what housework needed to be done was a good way to honor myself. To trust that Mark could take care of Morgan, maybe not the same way I would have but in his own way. This all worked for me. Mark even made and cleaned up a yummy dinner. Having been sick I feel blessed being healthy. I value the journey of sickness to health and the lessons I learned. As usual everything works out for the greatest good.

May 11, 2007

Making Up My Mind

2007-04-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

Making up my mind. I guess making up my mind depends on how tired I am. It’s like this picture of Morgan deciding if she is going to go down the slide. What slides am I choosing to go down? The last 4 years of my life has been attending to Morgan’s life. I knew it was important to take care of myself first but now and then I was lost.
I would hear Spirit say, “All is well, all is well, all manner of things are well.” I realized it was a Mantra, or Chant. For me in choosing my activities they have to be ones that help me to relax. Deep breathing, bike riding or meditating are things that assist me in clearing my mind. I find Chanting or Mantras; using simple phrases that keep my heart and my mind attuned to speaking words of gratefulness help me to feel full. I have found a place in my life for “my time” as opposed to every one else’s time. Taking the time for me to replenish my well of energy. I use a Mantra. Sometimes I sing my Mantra. “All is well, all is well, all manner of things are well, all is well, all is well, and all manner of things are well.” Sometimes I chant it. I even change it around. I drive on the freeway turn off the music and repeat it. When I feel my body tightening up with thoughts of what to make for dinner or what to do next I think my Mantra. Chanting is my way of cleaning out my mental clutter. When I clear out my mental clutter I find it easier to make up my mind. It even helps me when trying to fall asleep. Bye, bye mental clutter.

April 13, 2007

Everything Worked Out.

2007-04-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

While Mark was in Ireland, my sister and her son were here to visit. Carrie wanted to go into the city. I thought, “Lets take the ferry.” So we got up early and Carrie followed me to the ferry station. We were very excited. The ferry ride was actually pretty short. So we arrived at the port. Got off the boat and headed into the ferry terminal. The ferry terminal was so crowded. I began to feel worried. I thought, "What would happen if we got separated?" We hadn’t thought of a place to meet if we got separated. I like places that are not filled with hundreds of people. Places with 100 people are ok, but not small places filled with 1000 people. So we looked around. Carrie said, “Lets go to the place where the cable cars are. “ So we found the cable cars. It was Carrie’s suggestion to go the China Town. I thought, “Its Saturday, there will be a really, really, big crowd.”
I actually thought, "I don’t think I want to go." I never mentioned that to Carrie though. Anyway, we got on the cable car and were unable to sit next to each other. At the next stop the cable car started filling up. Then the next stop Carrie said, “Its time to get off.” Morgan and I stood up and moved to get off. A couple tried to get on the cable car as we were trying to get off. Carrie and Tyler were off and we were stuck. The cable car started to move away. It was bumpy and I grabbed Morgan and found a seat. As we drove up the hill I saw Carrie standing on the corner. Morgan began to cry. I felt like crying but didn’t. I did not know what to do. I kept asking myself, “What should I do?” I focused my attention on looking around for a place to get off the cable car. Morgan was still crying about losing Carrie and Tyler. Focus, focus, and focus I thought. Then I saw the Grace Cathedral. Mark, Morgan and I were at a concert there a few weeks ago. Years ago Grace Cathedral was the place that Mark and I went to walk the labyrinth when we were trying to get pregnant. I asked the cable driver to stop. Morgan and I got off and walked up the steps to the cathedral. Morgan remembered the church and we went inside. As usual for SF it was more than chilly. The church was nice and warm, with the sun shining thru the stained glass windows. It was beautiful. Morgan and I relaxed. Morgan took her shoes off and tried to walk around the labyrinth. It was adorable to watch. Sitting there I began to choose what I wanted. We could take a taxi back to the port and forget that bumpy cable car. I remembered there was a park across from the church. Morgan and I could walk over that way and she could play. I remembered that my cell phone was in my backpack. I started feeling grateful. I realized the strength of God as my power. We left the church and went to the park. Morgan saw a little girl her age and they were both wearing the same shoes. They were instant friends. I called Carrie. She and Tyler were having fun and would head back to the ferry at 7pm. Morgan played in the park. We hailed a taxi and got back to the port. We had burritos at the ferry terminal. We took the ferry home. Thought we never made plans with Carrie about where to go if we got separated everything worked out. That day I was thankful to be the witness of a miracle. The miracle of Joy that moved thru my body. Joy that replaced the fear of what to do next. I’m glad I didn’t worry about the “how” and trusted Spirit to take care of the how.

April 6, 2007

We are like magnets

2007-03-21T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well today I am working on my blog because Mark who is in Ireland visiting his dad said to me, “I was on line and checked on your blog and I didn’t see a new one.”
Could that be because I am so busy taking care of Morgan while he is away?
Having Mark gone for 3 weeks is a stretch for me. In the 10 days Mark has been gone Morgan has been awake 2 times each night. Oh yeah there was one night she slept straight through till 6:30am. This is what I am observing.
Currently I am into Chinese astrology. I am a wood snake. Today’s forecast is “Foolish and un-knowledgeable people blame their circumstances when opposed.” Could opposed mean observing? Is Morgan not sleeping thru the night the circumstance I am being opposed to? Am I blaming my slightly bad attitude on this? Am I blaming Mark being gone on all of this? I am not so sure.
I do know that in the secret it says, “Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting.” Winston Churchill said, “You create your own universe as you go along” so knowing that the universe will re-arrange itself accordingly I will stop feeling sorry for myself and choose to be a magnet for enjoyment.
Today is the first day of spring and this brings lots of wonderful things for me. Everything has been washed by the rain and looks awake, and I feel renewed. I can peel off the winter layers that have kept me warm and enjoy the feeling of spring. Mark joins us in 10 days and today 10 days doesn’t seem like a long time. It feels good to sit in the chair of gratitude and watch the colors of the earth come alive. Even now having thought I was finished writing I am remembering some good things about Mark being gone. I can turn the heat on to 68 in the house all day long, I can sleep on his side of the bed, I can watch the food network chanel all I want. Being a magnet for enjoyment sure is working quickly.

March 20, 2007

Please and Thank You is the Secret of the Nile

2007-03-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

I am amazed I haven’t done my blog in just about one month. What could have been happening you ask? Life has been happening. Specifically, I took a part time job. What? Yes, I took a part time job.
A friend of mine told the owner of a place called The Lotus Center, “I know someone who would be great working here.” Since I have loved being a stay at home mom I really didn’t think about the job. Until someone said to me, "Maybe if you had a job you wouldn’t have as much time to worry about Morgan.” Instead of checking in with my heart I thought, “Yea maybe a job from 9am-1pm wouldn’t be so bad.” Morgan doesn’t get out of school till 3pm. That could probably work out. So I went to the Lotus Center and spoke with the Stephanie the owner. She hired me. After working a couple of days I noticed something. I hadn’t heard a please or any sort of positive recognition. An example would be…. “You are doing a good job” or “What a great job multi tasking.” Nothing. Not one word. I started thinking what kind of place is this? Yes, I love kudos and being admired but saying Please and Thank You is the Secret of the Nile as Morgan’s favorite cartoon The Backyardigans would say.
A place that never says “Your are doing a good job, thanks for the hard work.” Where was the Love at The Lotus Center?
I cannot work where there is no Love. So I told Stephanie this job is not for me. I guess the moral of this is, “Listen to your heart. Thoughts that bring about good feelings means you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.” Yes, I quit my job and there is not one thing wrong with that. We all work with infinite power, and what I believe in is Love.

March 1, 2007

What is it with the super bowl?

2007-02-04T20:52:00.000-08:00

What is it with the super bowl? Every radio station I listened to last week was, super bowl this and super bowl that. Even the super market commercials were super bowl this and super bowl that. I am so sick of the super bowl. I have started calling it the stupid bowl. The reason I love Mark so much is that he doesn’t watch football, baseball or golf. I really never thought of myself having to think that my “Hot piece of ass” would be gone on super bowl days. When Morgan was born it was a super bowl day. Mark stayed right next to me as I delivered Morgan. No talk about the super bowl. Nothing. Today Mark was nowhere to be found. At 5am he left the house to go geocache. Yes, it’s as lame as it sounds. Geocache. Geocache is hanging out with other men trying to find treasure. Ugh.
Morgan and I had a great day though. My sister and her son came over. The words, “Lets watch the super bowl” never came up. After my sister left Morgan and I played spa day. That’s when we get in the bath and relax. After getting out of the tub I brush her hair, cut her nails, and paint them. It was very relaxing. As Mark was gone all day today I am going to tell him I need my own spa day where I will be gone all day, while he hangs out with Morgan. Maybe I will go to the kind of spa where you sit naked in hot mud. I think that’s what you do. One of those things take the toxins out of you body. Have a nice long massage. Take a nap. Have a really yummy healthy vegetarian dinner. Look into my Chinese astrology. My spa day sounds great! Good for me to realize it’s my turn and I am proud of myself to recognize it.

February 4, 2007

New Cream Couch

2007-01-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yes Morgan is going to be 4 next Friday and we bought a new cream couch. Am I insane? A cream microfibre couch and a 4 year old? A new living room table too?
Well once the new couch was delivered and we took the living room table out of the garage and set it all up it was obvious that the table didn’t look good with the new couch.
Why did we have the living room table in the garage? When Morgan was born we thought this table has 4 pointy corners and glass. Morgan could poke her eye out. I was in new parent thinking mode. Though Claire never poked her eye out on the table it just seemed like the correct thing to do. Getting back to the story.... with our old couch when Mark, Morgan, Claire and myself were sitting on it we were all a bit cozy. A little too cozy. Sort of cramped. You could lie down on the couch if no one else was there, or if Morgan was lying on top of your body. My sister had just bought a new couch and Mark’s cousin Jamie had just bought a new couch too. Mark and I laughed. A new couch with little kids! Crazy. Not us, no-way.
Well we happened to go to the Evolution store because they had a store closing sign up. I said to Mark, “Oh the Evolution store is closing this location and they have really nice stuff in there.” I was hoping we could get a new bookshelf. As I looked around for the bookshelves Mark sat on a couch. He was actually lying on a couch. I came back and said, “No book shelves that I like here.” Mark looked at me and said, “I think I love this couch.” I then sat there on the couch and we cozied up on the chaise. “Wow this is nice I said.” I looked to the other end of the couch and imagined 5 other adults sitting there. “Hi 5 other people I said.” Mark and I laughed. The sales person headed over and I said, “Do cats like to claw this type of material?” “Nope, Jim the sales person said.” Well that’s good news. I said to Mark, “Morgan could be shown that we don’t eat food on the couch” Mark answered, “Yes, we could teach Morgan not to eat on the couch. At your sisters house they don’t have anything to eat on the couch.” I thought about that. Yea, at Carrie’s house Morgan and her cousin Tyler sit on the tile and eat their food. Could this be possible? Well why not. Morgan is growing up to be a good listener. So after telling Morgan a new couch was coming and repeating, “No eating or jumping on the new couch” 15 times a day I felt good about the cream couch. Now that the couch is here does Morgan eat anything on the couch? No. Does Morgan jump on the new couch? Yes sometimes. Well sometimes I feel like jumping on the new couch. It looks like a lot of fun. I think that’s the great thing about being 4. Jumping on the bed, jumping on the couch, loving life. Well isn’t loving life the greatest thing? Yes it sure is. I love life. Maybe I should jump around and say, “I love life” Just not on the new cream couch.

January 19th 20007

11PM

2006-12-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well its 11:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I hear Mark snoring and it is bugging. I am still a little sick and should try to go to sleep. Sleeping in the trailer isn’t the heaven one might think. Tonight it is the hell one might think it would be.
Well I did get to sleep and its Friday at 4:57. We went to the San Diego Zoo and saw the pandas. I am surprised they are really cute. Sitting out side and eating bamboo leaves they looked so sweet. I did take a picture of the pandas but I forgot the card reader to post the picture of the pandas, so no panda pictures on today’s blog. My sister and her 2 girls were there with us and it was an overall good time. I felt funny seeing the animals all caged up in the zoo.
We are at Campland on the Bay RV Park here in San Diego. We had the hot water in the Airstream fixed and we purchased a porta potty, so at 4AM I don’t have to go to the public restroom or use what I was calling the pee cup. There are heated pools here and the kids went swimming after the zoo. Morgan had her floaters on and was floating by the steps and was doing all right until she took them off. Then it was time to come back to the trailer, take her out of her wet swim suit, get her dressed, give her a warm sippy cup and put her in the electric blanket to take a nap. Mark is actually making dinner for us tonight. Claire requested mac and cheese and Mark and I are going to have Jaipur vegetables that you heat up in boiling water. It is time to stop writing and post this blog and eat some dinner.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

2006-12-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

I do like to do this Blog every other Friday but wow have I been busy!!! I am starting to like winter here in Northern California. Yes its chilly, kind of rainey but it gets dark early and it feels nice to make a fire and just sit there. Yes just sit there with no TV on and maybe some holiday music playing.
Winter is actually a good time to rest. I think I needed some time to rest after this busy summer. My soul says rest, move slower. Actually it is all I have wanted to do, yet I feel guilty. I think I have lots of stuff to get done and I forget to renew, refresh and replenish.
This year I am not giving out wrapped presents. I am giving gift certificates. I am telling Morgan Santa brings unwrapped presents to our house. My friend Judy told me that her parents used to tell her that. It sounds great to me. Mark and I decided we would limit our gifts to each other to $100.00.
The above picture is of one of my favorite holiday lawn ornaments. Mark put the ornaments out this year and Morgan and I say good-bye to all of them as I drive her to Montessori in the morning. I remember buying the lawn ornaments in Orange County. It was at least 10 years ago. Although I had no idea who my future family would be, I was hoping who ever it was would love them too. Well Morgan does love them and I am not too sure about Mark. It was nice of him to put them up though. Well I do have a few minutes to sit and practice breathing. Breathing in and out saying “God is Peace and I am Peace”
December 5, 2006

Thanksgiving

2006-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving went well for us this year. We had Claire and this makes Mark happy. At the dinner table Claire was the first to say, “Everyone say one thing you are grateful for.” I was pleasantly surprised because that’s what I was going to say. This year was the first time in 20 years that I did not have to work the day after Thanksgiving. What a relief. People ask me “What are you going to do when you go back to work?” I just say, “I don’t know.” What I really want to say is “I’m never going back to work.” Actually I am sure my heart and Soul will let me know what to do when I feel like doing something.
Anyway I was even thinking of setting up the Christmas tree this afternoon. After a busy day with the cousins I think we will do it tomorrow.
What am I grateful for this thanksgiving? Today the sun was out and the skies were filled with beautiful clouds. I mailed out our Christmas cards. There were lots of hugs and kisses. I am grateful for this year’s challenges and opportunities. I love the giving I have done and I am proud enough to remember to for-give myself.
The Soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals. (Kahlil Gibran) I think that’s what I am most grateful for this year. The times I feel my soul unfolding.
Oh there is one more thing. I lost all the pictures of my mom’s memorial. They were in my laptop. I cried about it, talked about it, felt sorry for myself. I checked into recovering them. My friend Rachel found this guy Aaron who had a recovery program. Out of thousands of jpegs they found the one of my mom’s urn. I am grateful to my mom’s Spirit for helping them find it. It is amazing how great the Universe works.
Friday November 24th

Malibu Beach RV Park

2006-11-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here in Malibu at the Malibu Beach RV Park. I love being back in Southern California. It is warm, sunny and Mark is playing with Morgan and Claire as I do this blog. Now that’s what I call relaxing. Sitting in the shade drinking a spicy hot V8 juice and typing this WI-FI. Today’s line up for the Airstream group is the Getty Museum here in Malibu. I have been to the museum before and I remember it being nice. I hope the girls will like it.
In the bathroom this morning I was washing my face. The morning scrub I use you have to use it for 2 minutes. I was walking around. Just noticing stuff. I saw a wad of money on the floor. At first I thought maybe I should leave it there. Then I thought, “Don’t leave a gift from God on the floor.” Love yourself enough to treat yourself. I picked it up and counted the 7 dollars. Why was I still feeling guilty? Why do I cut myself short? Why do I have a hard time accepting Gods gifts? Why do I put everyone else first? Well not today. I will remember to take care of who is number one. Me. I will remember when Mom is happy everyone is happy. I will live in gratitude and enjoy being in Malibu. This is a place I loved in my childhood. Marvin Hamlisch had a home here on the beach. I used to come here with his nephew, David and just hang out. One of the first places I drove to once I got was my license was here. I loved driving along looking at the people on the beach. I think I will go down to the beach with Mark and the kids and build some sand castles. Sand castles are good for the soul.
November 10th

Pumpkin Patch

2006-10-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

Yes today Morgan’s class went to the pumpkin patch. I drove Morgan and one of her classmates Richard. It was cute to see all the kids there. I loved the hayride. I didn’t really love the hay as I was kinda allergic to it but otherwise it was a sweet adventure. I don’t remember ever going to the pumpkin patch when I was little. I don’t think in Beverly Hills there was a pumpkin patch close by. Halloween wasn’t really a big holiday for our family. I can’t even remember wearing a costume as a child. I’m sure it was the kind my Mom bought at Thrifty.
Of course I bought Morgan the costume she wanted in the Lands End catalogue. Yes it is a princess costume. Morgan wants Mark to dress up as the king. Interesting. I don’t think its gonna happen but it would be sort of cute.
I am sick. Last week Mark went to Santa Barbara to spend the weekend with his daughter Claire. When he goes away for the weekend it’s just Morgan and I. I sleep less and worry more about nothing. So I am sick. Doing my blog when I’m sick is also sort of draining my energy. Actually sitting here and thinking about it I am tired. I think I need to go to blow my nose for the millionth time today and so to sleep.

Composting

2006-10-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Yes that is a picture of our new composter. Actually it is the ComposTumbler. The best thing about the composter is that all the vegetable waste you produce in your kitchen can be thrown into the composter. Not only kitchen waste but also eggshells, tea bags, wood ash (from your fireplace) and farm manure. Farm manure you ask? Well there is a place down the street that houses horses for the Mill Valley tenants. They put the manure in a bucket and you can go there and scoop some out, for free.
I was feeling wasteful when I would dump all of the peels of cut apples, or the pear peels or the banana skins into the trash. Now I just walk into the back yard and put it into the composter. Very cool. I am not so sure about the horse poop but since Mark does that I just need to know that the poop is bringing nitrogen to the party. My parting party gift is earthy yummy soil so that my next garden will grow great tomatoes, zucchini, lettuce, and basil. Just writing this I want a salad. You could even save your hair from the salon and put it in the composter for it to break down as nitrogen too. I don’t think I ever would do that but I could. It feels great saving the landfill from un-necessary trash.

Aloha Spirit

2006-09-29T18:38:00.000-07:00

The above picture is of Morgan and Mauve at the Maui Ocean Center.

Wow I can’t believe we have been back a whole week from Maui and I am just getting around to doing my blog. Maui was really a great experience. Everyone is telling me I look so rested, 5 years younger, and relaxed. I do feel that way too.
Everyone in America should have a month’s vacation. My biggest daily decision was to have meat or fish for dinner and what restaurant should we go to.
I am still feeling the aloha spirit, though I was slightly worried about Morgan’s first day of school but I think that’s a mom thing. After thinking hard about my life I would say raising a happy, healthy child is my goal at the moment. We all loved the Maui Ocean Center. Morgan especially. Though seeing the halibut swimming around I felt funny about eating it. I like it a lot better than salmon. Maybe it’s a bottom dweller thing. Actually I didn’t know they were so flat. You see posters of bears catching salmon. I have never seen a poster of an animal catching a halibut. Well I guess other fish catch halibut but I don’t think I have seen a picture of it. Hum. Its now 6:30 on Friday and I want to get this posted. Blessings to everyone.

Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar

2006-09-15T16:29:00.002-07:00

Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar

2006-09-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

The above picture is Cyril Pahinui, a famous slack key guitarist, my friend Rachel and of course myself! We went to the concert series here in Maui. It was held at the Ritz-Carlton, Kapalua.
Slack key guitar is the greatest thing! The music or mele was fantastic. Cyril and the musical host, George Kahamoku Jr. were inviting and I learned more about Hawaiian slack key guitar than I have ever known. Actually I didn't know too much about slack key guitar. Rachel treated me to this event. As I type this blog I am listening to the 2006 grammy award winning, Masters of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar album on my laptop. This mele is so relaxing. Yesterday Mark purchased a new mini ukulele. Inspiried by the slack key mele. Driving back to the condo Morgan fell asleeep in the car listening to it. It is a great feeling to have our family inspired by hawai'i mele. I am grateful to Spirit for all the musical variety in different cultures. This mele rocks!

No Drama in Maui

2006-09-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life. “Daily OM”

Maui for me is a no drama zone. Ok, when I found out that Mark accidentally erased all my photos out of my laptop I did chose to be a Drama Queen. I even went to the whaler mall and bought the Maui Jim sunglasses I wanted. After that, I choose to not take part in my dramatic situation and step out into a place where my inner being was calm. Feeling much better I headed back to our condo. When I saw Mark and Morgan driving into the garage, I felt like the universe brought us together at a time when I was calm and ready to start loving. I was mighty happy that I had taken the time to watch where my inner being was and to change it. I am also grateful for the Aloha feeling here in Maui. It made easy to start fresh with a smile on my face. Upon seeing Mark and Morgan they gave me a gift certificate and were carrying smiles of love on their faces. All is well in Maui.

September 8th 2006

Sand Storm

2006-09-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting in the living room. The ocean looks beautiful and the palm trees are gracefully blowing in the wind. As the palm trees blow in the wind I am reminded of the trip to Napali Beach last week. A lovely place. Mark, Morgan and I got out of the car, took all our stuff down to the beach; climbed down to the sand and realized we were getting pelted by sand. The earth was stinging us. Mark set up our cabana and it blew away. Mark set up the cabana again and Morgan played in the new and improved sand filled cabana. Mark and I went down to the ocean; it was soothing to be away from the sand storm. We were the only people on the beach. After a few minutes a family arrived. They set up their towels, etc. Five minutes later they packed up and were gone. I looked at Mark and we both said, “We’re through.” I love the beach, but it was really getting un-comfortable. Morgan never complained though. I guess with the cabana over her and being in the sand hole she wasn’t really being pelted. As the earth wasn’t being our healer right then I think our best choice was to exit. Change roles. Become the chef and go back to the condo and make lunch.

Changing roles in life is sometimes easy and other times not so easy. I feel comfortable with my roles right now.
Right now, we have some friends visiting us in Maui. Katie a friend of 30 years; her husband Mike and their 3 kids. Maeve, Kevin and Mary Kate.
Last night Mark and Mike went out to a few of the bars. As they left the condo the rest of us went to bed. I awoke at 1 AM in the morning and looked to see if Mark was in the bed. Not seeing him I went into the living room. Mark was asleep on the couch. I said, “Time to get up and get in bed.” I suppose this role is, Loving Wife Role. The one who wants to see their beloved warm and cozy in the bed. Not cold on the couch. Of course, each day is filled with different roles. Caregiver, educator, housekeeper, philosopher. The list goes on. Is it that I am getting comfy as I am growing into being 40ish? Whatever it is I am happy being me, in the place I find the universe delivering me to.

September 3rd, 2006

Macadamia nuts

2006-08-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

The flight to Maui went great. Morgan was super! When we woke her up at 5AM she was excited to be sitting in the limo and at the airport she wheeled her Tinkerbelle suitcase and walked beside Mark and I. Being 6AM the lines at the baggage check in and the security check in were short. No headache for me was a first. The first flight from SFO to LA Morgan was awake and had a great time. When we got to LA our flight for Maui left at 10AM. Morgan got on the plane and was asleep by 10:15AM and she slept 3 hours. The really exciting part was the, Half Way to Hawaii contest that was held on the flight. Since Morgan was asleep Mark and I had time do the contest. With Morgan sitting between us we worked on it separately. I saw Mark pulling out his palm phone and using the calculator. I sat quietly and thought, “The answer to all things is within me.” I did some very simple math in my head and told Mark to write down the ½ way time to Hawaii would be at 9:48 and 5 seconds. He said, "Your 8 minutes off from what I figured out." We passed the forms in. As the flight was getting ready to land the stewardess came to our seat and said to Mark you won! Mark said, "Which seat was it?" the stewardess said G. Cooper! The prize was Mauna Loa macadamia nuts and it wasn’t the nuts I was excited about. Here I was, all worried about the flight, the luggage, how long the lap top battery would last in the lap top, the worry list went on. I was so proud. I listened to my intuition and just wrote what I heard in my head. Thank you Spirit! Mark kept asking me. “How did you figure it out?” I kept saying, “Spirit did it through me.”

August 24, 2006

I am so lucky

2006-08-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

As I sat down on my new “Balanceball” chair, which is a small bounce ball seated in a plastic chair. I had to look up life with gaelen to check on last week’s entry date. Weird. Anyway the balanceball chair helps relieve stress on the spine. Basically you sit upright with your spine straight. No slouching allowed. Of course Morgan hopped on it and wanted to play with it when we got it set up in the office. Luckily I have a big green bounce ball from when I was pregnant with Morgan. So although it is a little too big for Morgan, she set it up at her little desk in the office. She can’t get herself up on the top of it but it seems to make her happy to have a chair like mom. Earlier today Morgan came with me to CompUSA and she brought a small toy with her. As we left CompUSA both of us had forgotten about her pink hippo. An hour later I remembered about the hippo and decided not to say anything about it. I thought it was my fault it was gone because I didn’t remember to ask Morgan about pink hippo when we were leaving the store. As the Universe works the minute I thought about pink hippo, Morgan remembered that we left it at the store. So as we drove back to the store for pink hippo I began to sweat. I was repeating in my mind “pink hippo be there”… “pink hippo be there” and pink hippo was there. So I told Morgan how lucky we were that pink hippo was still there. As we drove away I started thinking about war in the Middle East. How I would feel if something that was dear to me was gone. I continue to pray, “Create a world of radiant life, overflowing abundance, and lasting peace.” and remember all things are possible. I am so lucky. Thank you God.

August 16, 2006

Been back a week...

2006-08-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here not believing that we have been back almost a week from Oregon and I am now getting ready to do Life With Gaelen. Time moves so quickly and sometimes time moves so slowly. I guess when I feel I have a problem or a challenge I feel time moving slowly. It must be the mind that makes time move. How can you make your mind work the best for you? Taking care of you I guess is the first place to start. Stepping away form negative energy no matter how difficult that seems to be is also a good beginning. I find when declaring what is good for me is not always felt by others as a good thing. Take the time to be quiet, meditate, and listen to your heart. Feel good about speaking the truth of your soul and give up judging what others think of you. At least that is what I am working on. It is not always easy but learning to be patient with Spirit and waiting for great out comes is always worth the wait.
I am amazed that we leave for our month in Maui in just 14 days. Already I am thinking about what to pack. Mark likes to use a duffle bag, something I do not like to do. I like to neatly fold my clothes, and roll them up and remember where each thing is so I do not have to pull everything apart. I think I am a neat nick.
I hear the Wiggles DVD repeating itself and Morgan’s footsteps pitter padding down the hall to tell me all about the Wiggles. Mark is busy attaching the counter top to the new cabinet. Our new fridge is coming tomorrow and we want it to fit in the spot. It is time for me to go and hear about The Wiggles. The Wiggles being my least favorite, next to Barney that there is.

August 8, 2006

Oregon is pretty stunning

2006-08-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

I am having a day off. What do I like to do?...my blog of course. I am sitting in our trailer in Oregon. We are at the East Lake Resort, which is a very beautiful place. I am wearing my new East Lake Resort pull over and it is my favorite blue color. The blue that matches my eyes. (Of course I can’t go on a trip and not purchase something)
Oregon is actually stunning. We are staying in the volcanic area, Newberry Caldera where you can see lava everywhere. We went to the Obsidian lava flow river, which is amazing. I am getting a good work out as everywhere we go it’s at least one mile of walking. Mark brought us to the Central Pumice cone which is an under groung cave. I lasted 5 minutes before I yelled out "Lets get out of here!" much too dark and creepy for me. So far my favorite place is the Crater Lake National Park. The Crater Lake has incredibly blue water and in fact it is the deepest blue lake in the United States. Crater Lake also has the best food we have eaten in Oregon, as everywhere we have stopped at has been sort of gross.
Mark has Claire and Morgan today, hence my day off. My friend Randy suggested I ask for a day off during this 10 day trailer event and that has turned out to be a very good thing. Yes, I love my family but being in a 22ft. trailer can be annoying. Actually the first 3 days I almost finished one of the small bottles of Tylenol. It took Claire 3 days just to mellow out and get used to being with Mark, Morgan and I. It took me 3 days to not make a comment about the negative things Claire was doing. We have had 2 days with no time outs for Claire, which is a great thing. We did separate the 2 car seats so that no one is poking any one else. Mark bought the 2-screen DVD player so the girls each have a screen to watch. This makes the 12-hour trip manageable. Well we do two days of driving 6 hours. I think the DVD players in the car make life driving so much easier. Maybe the reason I have no memories of being in the car with my mom and dad is because DVD car players weren’t invented. I think my only memory of going on a long car trip was to Disneyland or my grandmothers in Arcadia.
Well getting back to Oregon it started off warm, you know shorts and stuff but the last 2 days its been really chilly, which is sort of sad because I love rivers and it is just a little too cold to go swimming in the East Lake river. Tomorrow we are heading back home and our next stop is Shasta Lake. I hope I get some river swimming time when we get there. I think I will head off to the showers while Mark and the girls are gone.

August 1, 2006

95 Degrees

2006-07-22T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well it is 95 degrees in the house at 6:31pm. Morgan is running around in the sprinklers and I don’t really feel like typing this blog. It is just to hot. We went to the beach today but the beach in San Francisco is different from the beach in Manhattan Beach. It is windy here at the beach. I guess I am the only one who cares about that. Mark fell asleep and Morgan was picking up driftwood sticks and calling them pickles. I ended up putting a hat on. The best thing about the beach was the 70 degree temp.
In trying to stay in gratitude, I remember just 5 miles to the north its 10 degrees hotter. I think for Morgan’s nighttime movie we will go down stairs and watch the video on this laptop. The heat makes me crabby. I have to think about what I am about to say so it doesn’t sound snappy or snippy. In remembering that there is an abundance of everything each of us needs health, wealth, love, creativity. I think I will use my creativity and join Morgan and run thru the sprinklers.

July 22nd

Life is Good

2006-07-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Life is good. Regardless of the actual situation going on "Life is good" is always true. Remembering it is key though.
Mark and I have been working on the family calendar and he put his in his palm pilot phone so he can look and see if we have plans on specific days. Hopefully this will help our communication. Communication is an essential part of being married. Well at least being happily married for me.
As Mark and I are working on our communication it helps us when we give Morgan directions. The idea of working as a team is what keeps popping up for me. Practicing team work helps to relieve my stress level. I don't feel like all the responsibility of the situation is mine alone.
Mark has been great about making breakfast in the morning when Morgan has her summer camp. I can then focus on getting her dressed and making her lunch. Morgan is one of those people who is slow to wake up in the morning. I start singing a song when I am waking her up. "Good morning toys, good morning toys good morning to you!" Then Morgan will call out a specific thing to say good morning to. Today she wanted me to say good morning to her butt. So of course I did sing good morning butt. Morgan was cracking up, when Morgan laughs I laugh. Laughing the first thing in the morning is wonderful.
When I was looking at the comedy selection on Netflix the other day I realized I had seen many of them. About 100 or so. Stripes with Bill Murray is still one of my favorites. Well on a very recent level I really liked 40 Year Old Virgin and laughed thru most of it.
The beautiful thing about my imagination is I think it is Spirit's job to laugh. Why else does my soul like to laugh so much?

July 14th 2006

Music

2006-07-08T12:07:00.000-07:00

Well this morning I put the itunes on while typing on the computer. How delightful. I love this kind of music that doesn't have commercials.

I question myself. Will todays writing take me to endless possibilities? Even right now I am not sure of what I am going write. I guess the important thing is saying "yes" to the Spirit. Opening myself up to listening.

Today is a special day for me. Mark took Morgan to Angel Island. I have till 5:20pm to do anything I want. What is it that I want to do? Take a nap, shop, surf the web, do some laundry, talk with friends, do my blog, go to a movie, write, sit quietly and meditate, pray, go to the library, the list is endless. I decide to sit here and wait for an idea.

Live music gives me the feeling of community. Last night we went to down town Tiburon and on Friday nights they have food and live music in the streets. The beauty of watching people dance, especially children is heart warming. Morgan stood up to dance, or jump around. The music was drawing her. Pulling her. I think she was even in love with it. The real beauty of the experience for me was watching Mark dance with Morgan. The emotion of pure love. The joy in their faces. The light in their eyes. It gave me a profound feeling of gratefulness just to be alive. Standing there listening to the music, seeing all the people having fun, smiling.
The love of music comes from a deep part of my soul. Music makes me feel free. There was a time long ago that I did not have a stereo in my car. At that time it helped me to think in a quiet space. I still remember the day when I got the stereo installed in my car. The feeling of joy I felt when I turned the radio on. The feeling that I was close to God. I guess for me the feeling of being close to God is why my soul loves music.

July 8th 2006

Russian River

2006-07-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

There is this thing I do. I start writing this blog and I get so into it that I forget to save it. I wrote a great one last week about how we were going to the Russian River and how excited I was. I was sitting on my bed and I just kept typing and the computer was getting hot and all of a sudden it stopped. It just would not register any sort of movement. I ended turning off the computer and starting it again. Having not saved anything my blog was gone. A very sorry me just went to bed.
The one good thing about that was Mark did come into the room and read the bolg before I shut the computer down. So at least it did have a reader before going away, into the place where lost computer stuff goes.

Well back from the Russian River I am rested. I was able to swim naked in the river (something I love to do) and come out feeling refreshed and healed. Remembering being 97% water, its important to swim in it, and feel it on your body.
Mark, Morgan and Claire were laughing at me since they had bathing suits with them and did not have to get naked. Getting naked a a good thing. A very good thing. There were no people around so the family did not feel weird or scared about my nakedness. Anyway the next day at the river there were lots of people around so I didn't take my swimsuit off until I was in the water and no one could see, thus not scaring the family.

I am worried about the computer, there was something in the manual about the new MacBpook getting too hot and that you should bring it back and get a new one.
I sure do hope everything can just be transfered out of this one and into a new one.I keep feeling the bottom and it is hot.
Wah-wah-wah. At least I remembered to press save 4 times while typing this blog.

July 1st

Corn on the cob

2006-06-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am unsure why I find the time to do this blog while cooking dinner. I guess given a time to have this done and put dinner on the table before someone says I'm hungry speeds me up when typing and thinking. Maybe its the multi-tasking disease.

I did bring this new laptop to Palm Springs last week with Mark and Morgan but I did not type up my blog on it. I just didn't feel like it.
I hear Claire singing outside "Don't worry about a thing because everything little things gonna be all right." Or something like that. Though Claire does bug me sometimes, I sit here and think, "Yes thats so true."
I was the teacher in today youth church. The lesson was to build a paper airplane. Speak or write down your anger on it and let it float away. Good lesson. Sometimes I find that I am still holding on and haven't yet sent what ever anger I am holding on to away. Remembering to let go is a good thing. A very good thing.

Getting back to Palm Springs it was a great time. Really, really hot though. Morgan and I tried to stay in an air-conditioned place most of the day and we went out swimming later in the evening. Morgan is getting better at swimming and I am getting better at not looking so scared when I see her sort of drowning ish. Mark was a great swimming teacher to Morgan. The whole trip was very relaxing.
Unlike right now as I listen to Claire and Morgan fight about a hair brush that the other one wants. Drifting thru my mind I hear, "Don't worry." Remembering this I go and make some corn on the cob for tonight's dinner.

June 25th

Stepping Up

2006-06-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the gratefulness.org website and read about angles. What a beautiful way to begin a day. Morgan is still asleep and the house is quiet. Mark bought me a new MacBook laptop and now I am able to do this blog anywhere. I am so grateful to him as he is very supportive of me and this blog. There are many reasons why I love this laptop but this morning my reason is, unlike my old computer or "puter" as Morgan likes to say, is when typing on the keypad it is so quiet!

Last Wednesday was Morgans schools graduation. A sort up stepping up to the next level graduation. What it brought up for me was an immense feeling of joy and sadness all at the same time. Just watching 16 three year olds walking along down the grass path with the mortar hats on was heart breaking. The joy in their faces and their little smiles was precious! I had tears streaming down my face. I thought of their lives beginning and the awareness of lives ending. I am reminded of life ending specifically my mom's, it is good to remember we are spiritual beings, and our lives are eternal!

Anyway the community sang a song that I heard long ago at a retreat I attended at Agape in culver city.
"I love myself so much, that I can love you so much, that you can love you so much, that you can start loving me."
What I strong feeling of connectedness! I cry even now just thinking about it.
After Morgans graduation we all went to CompUsa and thats when Mark bought me this computer.

Today when I think "What story am I living?" I can say to myself a loving,happy, contented one.

June 17th 2006

Summer Fun

2006-06-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

Mark had Claire in Santa Barbara this weekend so Morgan and I went to visit my sister Carrie. It was the first time I let Morgan and her cousin play with each other without me being in the room. Morgan is semi predicable. Anywhere there are paints she finds them. Carrie has a thing about getting paint on the floor, furniture, stuffed animals. I guess I do too. If Morgan is using paints in our house I put an apron on her and watch very closley. So I was happy to see that Morgan and Tyler came downstairs with out opening any paint. Oh I should mention Morgan did open up all the markers and put the ink allover her hands. Carrie was complaining that the markers were all dried out the next day. Well, I did offer to buy them more markers.
Now that summer is approaching I will be away from the computer and blogging less and enjoyig the summer fun as opposed to computer fun.

Sundays are great!

2006-05-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

I like the weekends when Mark spends time with Morgan and I. Yesterday we went to the Height and had lunch at Cha Cha Cha. Morgan was great and stayed at the table, instead of getting up and moving around. Today has started out calm and relaxing. Sundays are great. Semi-Spiritual. Well at least sort of Spiritual.
I hear Morgan laughing at Mark in our bedroom. I love the sound of her laughing. It is so sweet. It softens my heart and uplifts my energy. Laughing is definitely healing. When I am upset and cranky I would like to remember to think of something funny to laugh about. That is my intention today. To remember the funny things in life and let anything that comes up as annoying just float away.
Later today we are going to look for the tempur-pedic pillows. Pillows are funny. If I can't get my pillow comfortable, I have a night of uncomfortale sleeping. I have been thinking about sleeping a lot latley. There is a song that I like by the Googoo Dolls. "I want to wake up where you are." I think that is when I knew that I had to be with Mark. I couldn't bear to sleep away from him.

May 28th

I can do that...

2006-05-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

I sit here today and think what should I write? What is up for me? Well the phone just rang and I looked to see who was calling. A weird number came up and I thought I don't want to talk to some sales person or other odd caller. I just didn't answer it.

Sometimes I hear Spirit calling and I just don't want to answer it. I see myself as a creative person yet I don't feel up to taking the invitation from Spirit. Why?

Who knows. Sitting here I think Spirit is calling. Spirit is calling. Thinking about my mom I realize here on planet earth you are limited in the time you get. Has Spirit ever led me in the wrong direction? No. Has Spirit led me to a safe place? Yes.
Ok I will listen to the invitation. I will relax my mind. Stay away from being judgmental. Smile. Feel the warm sun. Listen to the birds singing. Take a deep breath and another deep breath. Believe that all is well, regardless of what stuff looks like. I think I can do that. I can do that. Thank you Spirit.

BIG words

2006-05-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today I showed Morgan's teacher, Laurin the year end family card that Mark was working on. She loved it. I kept thinking I would send it to my mom before I remembered she was dead. Some things are a bummer. This is definitely one of them.

Today I purchased a dictionary! A big random house webster's college dictionary. I sure was dumbstruck when I saw it was just 5.99. Oh big word. There are lots of words I have used that I see in here. Drunk'Tank' a large jail cell where persons arrested for alcoholic or drug related behavior are detained. Most of my sisters friends would sleep over in the hall way. We would call that place the drunk tank. Circa 1983.

I think I might have something to say about most of the words in the dictionary. I wonder if Mark would frown at me if I just sat here and read it. Wow there are bad words in this dictionary. I don't want to type any in here though.

I have dishes from dinner on the table and I hear Morgan screaming in the tub as Mark washes her hair. Time to go.

May 10th

Wild Parrots

2006-05-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

I sit here watching Mark work on the card for Morgan's pre-primary teacher. She wants to send them to the parents at the end of the year. We need 10 more hours to fill our 25 volunteer hours. Mostly what I'm doing is saying, "Move that one closer" or "Make that one bigger." I don't think I am helping.

This weekend Mark took us to the city. His ploy was, "Lets go see the wild parrots." It sounded fun. What he didn't say was, "There is a flight of stairs to see the wild parrots. Ninety of them." The first ninety weren't so bad. It was the next 100 to go up to the Coit tower that was a stretch. Morgan got to ride piggy back on Marks shoulders. Where was my piggy back ride?
I don't remember ever getting a piggy back ride from anyone. This makes me sad. I must have had a piggy back ride. Didn't I? Anyway, I saw one wild parrot. Green with a red head. Morgan and Mark being ahead of me might have seen 2 or 3. Morgan was calling back to me, "You can make it mom." What so bad about being 25 feet behind them? Ok, maybe just 15 feet behind them. Overall it was an exciting adventure. At least coming down the stairs it was just 10 minutes.

May 7th

20+ years

2006-05-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back from the burial and memorial. The east coast was great. I feel so alive. To see people you love and haven't seen in 20+ years feels great. To have left Morgan with Mark for 5 days feels almost better than great. What a big relief.

At the cemetery my grandmothers Donahue family plot was just a few hundred feet from my moms Ford family plot. We buried my grandmother first and then went to my moms. It was weird being at the cemetery, I haven't been there since I was 5.

I read from the book The Prophet by Khalif Gibran at my grandmothers grave site. Then everyone got in their cars and drove to my moms site. It was creepy seeing my mom's urn sitting on a table set on astro turf. This time I read Psalm 39 from the bible. I was doing fine until I looked at Colleen and Carrie. I just started to weep. Well not really weep but cry. A man stepped forward to hug me, then I sobbed. I kept thinking my mom's childhood friend is hugging me. I am weeping even now.
I wanted to back to my mom's grave the next day to see if they put the urn in the ground and covered her up. That was Thursday.

Saturday came quick enough. I slept 2 hours the night before thinking about the reading I was doing in the church. I just wasn't sure I could do it after sobbing in the cemetery. My cousin Kevin was doing the first reading and he promised me he would sit where the alter boys sit incase I was crying. Being in the church was nothing like being at the cemetery. The feeling was up lifting and it was great to see all the smiling faces. The reading went super. When I got back to the pew I heard my step brother say, "Group Hug" and just couldn't stop laughing.

After the service there were 65 people at the reception. I am surprised. I thought maybe 25 at the most. I was exhausted after 2 hours and went to sleep in the rental car for half an hour. That was a good power nap. I said good bye to everyone with a rested smile on my face.

Now at home I miss my Aunt Rosemary, Colleen, Carrie, Mary Pat and Marie. The luncheon, dinner, shopping and good times crew. I have a greater awareness of dying and thankfulness for the grace in my life.

April 2nd

Meltdown

2006-04-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Mark, Morgan and I are finished eating dinner. I hear them playing with the legos while I am typing.
Morgan is doing this new thing. Something like a melt down. This morning she did not want her eggs and she was throwing a fit about wanting to have pancakes. Not just a little fit but a major big time fit. The fits that make me want to cry too.
I didn't want to make her pancakes. I did have one that I had frozen last week that I gave to her. A frozen home made pancake made my day.
I thank God for the times when life is simple.

Time and time again I want to spend as much time with God as I do with Morgan.

April 23

Were trained!

2006-04-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

I really can't say enough good things about a potty trained little girl. Life sure is a lot easier. I must say Morgan mostly trained herself. Sometimes she does ask for a treat but I guess thats ok.

April 20th

Keep open the door of my heart

2006-04-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

Parenting has been harder than I thought it would be. Adding just one person to the household has been more work. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. When I was a girl, my grandma would make dinner for my sisters and I. If my sister Colleen wanted something different for dinner she would make her what she wanted. I find myself thinking about doing that for Morgan. Then I remember than it is Morgan's job to eat what food is on the table and it's my job not to worry about it.

Potty training has been a big deal. I thought it was a quick and easy thing to do. Wrong. When Morgan forgets to use her special training potty and pees on the floor the best thing for the parent to do is to not make a big deal about it. Meanwhile I clean it up mumbling in my head about how I hope this doesn't ruin the wood floors.

Turning 3 has changed some things. Morgan is now sleeping thru the night. Most nights at least. You have to give her a piece of cheese right before she goes to sleep though. After Mark reads her the 3 books, I don't have to lay down next to her until she falls asleep. I now just sit next to her. I cross my legs next to her and try to meditate for a few minutes. It is actually pretty convenient. As long as you can meditate while someone is softly snoring. I tell her I will come and check on her and she stays in the bed and falls asleep. She is wearing big girl underpants. Morgan wears pull up diapers at night for accidents. She gets a star on a chart when she makes a pee-pee in her potty. Things are really quite good. Really.

Morgan and Mark were playing a game where Morgan gave Mark some stuffed animals. There names were: Pee-Pee, Pooh and Pinky Pie. I smile just remembering it.

Keep open the door of my heart.

April 14th

Low

2006-04-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Morgan is mostly sleeping thru the night and is almost potty trained. I think she and I will have the potty training done by Tuesday. I will then be able to send her to the spring camp at her school next week.

I need some time to be alone. I leave at the end of the month to go bury my mom in Boston. Since its me and my two sisters we thought we would also mail my grandmother's ashes and bury her next to my grandfather. I am feeling sad about this. I am also a little worried about leaving Morgan with Mark. We have never been apart. They have planned to go get the trailer.

This is the next day. I did not finish this last night.

I am to depressed to finish this now.

April 8th

Scurvy Pirate

2006-04-04T22:41:00.000-07:00

I put Morgan to bed at 8:00PM. I read her the 3 books and said, "Everyone sleeps in their own bed." I handed her the bottle and walked out of the room. She did not cry and ask me to come back. She went to sleep. I am so happy.

It just breaks my heart when I hear her crying for me. I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong by saying, "Go to sleep it is bedtime." I feel like I am losing my baby girl. As I sit here I remember hearing her singing this morning, "What should we do with the scurvy pirate" I smile and wonder if she even knows what a scurvy pirate is. Then I think wait, I don't even know what a scurvy pirate is either.

April 4

Morgan woke up at 8:30

2006-04-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

Its now 9:30 and Morgan did wake up at 8:30. I consider myself lucky that Mark is with Morgan on the couch watching the care bear movie. I can't watch twinkers and wish bear another night. Really.

April 2

Scary Things

2006-04-02T19:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like it has been a long time since I have sat down to write my blog. Explanation. Claire was here last week.
Morgan is asleep and it is just 6:53PM. She fell asleep in the car at 6:00PM coming home from the Ice Age 2 movie. I really do not like it when she falls asleep this early because she might wake up at 8:00 and not be tired till 10:00PM. I also really really don't like the time change. I don't like putting the clock ahead. I like it to be sunny in the morning. Since I am talking about things I don't like... that grass in the Easter baskets and play dough. Both items are all over our house due to early easter gifts for Claire and Morgan.

Morgan, Claire and I went out on Wednesday night for burritos. Morgan and Claire were sitting on bar stools while I was placing the order. The next thing I heard was a big boom and Morgan crying. My heart was beating so fast. I picked her up from the floor and just held her. Morgan was crying pretty hard. I finished paying for the burritos and we went home. When we got home Morgan was still pretty upset. I took out the Your Baby and Child book to read about concussions. Soon after that Morgan did throw up, which I had just read was something to be watching for. The book said to call an ambulance. Morgan, Claire and I got in the car and set off for the hospital. I called Mark and he said he would meet there. After spending about an hour at the hospital with the doctor we were released with the head injury paperwork. Slight concussion. That was Scary. I didn't cry because I didn't want to scare Morgan but I felt like crying. I also didn't want to cry in front of the doctor when I was telling him about Morgan's symptoms. I wanted to call my mom but couldn't. I just prayed she would watch over Morgan being an official Angel now.

As we were leaving the hospital Morgan wanted a purple popsicle. At home Morgan was having her purple popsicle, smiling and drinking some translucent fluid. The doctor and the directions they handed us as we were leaving said to wake her every 2 hours. Needless to say there was no sleep for me that night.

I am so appreciative of how quick little children heal themselves. If I fell off a bar stool the next day I would be saying, "My shoulder hurts, my arm hurts, my head hurts". Morgan was slightly cranky the next day and nothing a 2 hour nap couldn't fix. I too was happy to have a nap. Sometimes a nap can fix just about anything.

April 1

You are not alone

2006-03-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

Claire is in the living room waiting for Mark to play a game with her. Morgan is asleep. Mark is in the phone with our mobile phone company. Milo is barking because the post person truck just drove by.

I have opened up to releasing the need to control others. Why do I feel like I have to be in charge of everything all the time? Upbring? Why am I waiting for my higher good to arrive? There is actually no need to wait. It is here now. It has always been here waiting for me to see it.

Today I will let Mark dress the kids and not make a judgment about it. I will watch Mark let the kids blow bubbles outside and not feel that I have to say something about Morgan and Claire being barefoot.

I will allow myself to cry about the loss of my mom. I will enjoy all my feelings. Not just the good feelings but the scared feelings, the fearful feelings and the small feelings. Really take the time to feel what is coming up and not try to push any of it away. Just be with my feelings. Listen to Spirit saying, "You are not alone" and believe it.

March 20th

Me Me Me

2006-03-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

I am staying in the NOW. Right now. I am not going to the future. I am not caring what is in the future. I am going to let tomorrow take care of itself. I am just going to take care of me. Me Me Me. Thats it. Me. I am going to go to gratefulness.org and light a candle for me and then go to bed.

March 23

Joyous Things

2006-03-21T22:51:00.000-08:00

Spring is here. I heard our dog Milo barking and looked out the window to see 4 deer in the back yard eating some green grass. The deer do not seem to be frightened by Milo's barking. However Milo's constant barking at deer, the mail person driving by or the UPS truck is pretty annoying to me. Morgan loves to ring our door bell when we come home and listen to Milo barking. Morgan thinks its funny.

Mark had Milo as a pet before we got together. Milo is a wheaten terrier. Not my first choice in dogs. Greyhounds are my kind of dog. Well actually I am a cat lover, but Morgan seems to love dogs.

Well dogs and cats isn't what I wanted to talk about anyway. After reading the article about people who blog I thought, "Gee maybe I need a bigger intention." Well I could write a book. Call it "Don't wear mascara if you might cry today, because it stings your eyes." Crying is supposed to be healing but when I cry my eyes sting so badly from the mascara I don't really find it very healing. I also like to wear sun glasses when I am crying. In public that is. I also don't like to cry in public. Or in movie theaters. Any time some ones dad dies in a movie I cry. I wonder now that my mom has transitioned will I cry when someone's mom passes in a movie too?

I hope not. Why is death not always a joyous thing? Yea! That person just died and went on to a better living experience. I am trying to make my moms transition into a joyous thing for me. It is just adjusting to a new way of life for me. Although I can't call her on the phone like I used to, sit and talk with her in person like I used to or watch Morgan climbing on her exercise bike like I used to. Is that really such a terrible thing?

Change. Its all about the fear of change. Wanting something to stay the same way forever. The Law as it is written in Teachings Of The Buddha: All things are impermanent. What is the answer? Love is the answer. Keeping the love alive in my heart keeps my mom alive. Love. Love. Love.

March 21